I wanted to give you an update since you have been so helpful with advice. I did call the OM but not with W present. I have begged her to end the calls for at least 12 mos. and that's what I told the OM. I think he was amazed when I told him that my company pays her cell phone bill. I explained that I have been fighting with her over this for a year and now I'm asking for his help. He told me he will never call her again. I also told him I need him to tell her not to call him since she won't listed to me. He agreed to help and I know that he spoke to her since she is not talking to me. But I warned her it would come to this but she thought I was not serious. I have to keep reminding myself she has no idea how bad she is hurting me. She just thinks it's harmless since it's not physical. I was extremely calm with OM and asked what he would do if the situation was reversed. He told me his GF would be history. So he knows it's unacceptable as well. He then reminded me that he has a gorgeous 26 year old GF and he wasn't interested in W. I felt no need to mention the ONS. I don't need him to tell me that W threw herself at him. It's probably not far from the truth. And now I feel secure knowing that if W continues to call him he is going to lose a lot of respect for her. Because I'll no longer be playing the fool, she will be.

Finally, the other problem. I don't see any end in sight with regard to NC. I'm not even determined to have her quit her team just get him out of her heart. She has never been in his heart, I feel quite sure. But yes, marriage councelling is the next step. Since we're not talking yet, I am still waiting for the right time to show her some posts I printed that detail how painful an EA is as well as a post about the videos that go through a BS' head for about 8 mos.
I think this will start to penetrate her defenses.
Again thanks for your help. By the way, she confessed to the ONS so I don't want her to regret that confession as I feel that really was a gift. What pushed me into action is the suggestion that my love bank may run out if this continues as is.

Congrats to you walkingoneggs.

I don't know how successful I will be at confronting OM by just asking. My WW relationship is a lot more serious. As I have posted many times. She lives with OM every other week when she doesn't have my D. This has been going on for 3 months now.

Both are running away from there problems. OM wanted desperately to get back with his W until my WW came on to him. She was hurting after her mother's death but didn't want me around. He filled the bill and they have been an item ever since.

The only serious crack I have seen in their relationship is my WW is wigging out and trying to establish contact with two other past lovers prior to me. I don't think OM knows about this. My D told me that from my WW's side of the phone conversation it is serious and romantic. Sometimes I don't know if it is worth it all, but 19 years is a long time.

Monty,I have never considered giving up but our situations are very different. I just comfort myself with the idea that no matter what happens I will have done everything in my power to restore my marriage and make it better than it ever was. Right now your D is your reward.

WOE,

I think you did a great job and I admire your courage. You were right all along about his feelings for your W.

But I think this situation is far from over, WOE. This is just the start. At least now, you have a hope of recovery with the phone calls ended.

The next step will be to talk to her about this and tell her what you have told us here. Find out how she feels about this; be open about your conversation. Tell her how deeply this has hurt you and how important it is that she completely end contact.

Believe me, WOE, you might as well go for broke NOW or this is going to linger on again for YEARS. You also cannot count on the OM to keep his word. Have you thought about that? HE was also getting something out of this, this was not purely one sided.

Lastly, will you please consider getting into counseling with Steve Harley? They can often do in 3 sessions what other counselors cannot do in 12. He could help you through this minefield and might even be able to get through to your W.

Great job! You deserve a huge pat on the back.

I am just so proud of you. Look at what your courageous act has accomplished. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

MelodyLane, thanks for the encouragement. Here's the latest. I made that phone call to OM a week ago. Today is the first we talked about it. W considered this such a betrayal yada yada yada. I told her what OM said the if it was his GF she would be history. I'm still dealing with a very defensive WW. She asked me how I saw the phone bill and I told her very honestly the internet. I explained that in good faith I cancelled this ability - which is true. However she is now going to call phone company and give them hell. I'm not worried about losing the source. If she can actually go back to OM and tell him that her husband in once again in the dark and they can resume calls he'll lose any respect he may still have for her. I think when I told him we have been fighting over those phone calls for 18 mos. he felt like a piece of crap. He's not interested in hurting me or my family I am quite sure. He has a lot more to lose than me in that I already know everything. This team includes many of his friends for over 10 years and although his GF isn't on the team she's not exempt from getting hurt should this blow. At 31 and single he doesn't need this.

Now back to W. I told her I am concerned about Love Bank running dry and that's why I did what I had to do. I told her I was following the best advice available to me and wrestled with the decision for many months. When I suggested councelling she told me I need to go to IC first and learn how I hurt her through the years and broke the trust early in the marriage. I agreed with all of this and replied but NOW and during the 3 years or so I have been doing everything I can to improve our M. She agreed and even threw me a bond saying I was both good father and good provider. We spent 9 yrs. in apartment as direct result of my gambling behing her back. I haven't gambled in 11 years but it's always ready to be used as a weapon to justify anything she is doing.
So I asked her than does that mean two wrongs make a right? She also says I criticize her friends and I told her it's hard for me to respect a man (OM) who has been with 10 married woman. I'm sure she regrets ever telling me that.
But every point I made she would somehow justify.
And I never try to defend the early years. I have to take her word for it, but I really don't think I was an absentee husband during that time. My major sin was gambling and Lord knows I have paid my debt, literally, for that.

I think I am getting closer into luring W into councelling. I will consider Harley. I think if she realized I was spending that much money on councelling I must be serious and it must be worth it. If you or anyone else has any suggestions on how to handle what might come next I would appreciate it.

On a humorous note, W asked how is she going to face OM tonight (yes another night out at Pool Team). I didn't respond but it was so tempting to say you simply play the fool like I do.