i need some help on what and how to get my point across to other man about giving my daughter presents and talking with her on the phone. my W is in a long distance EA and now PA with OM and he has sent my daughter a gift and has talked with her on the phone. i do not approve of this at all and would like to put an end to it. my W told me that our marriage is over has an appointment with a lawyer next tuesday but has told me it is only for consultation at this point. so i want to end the gifts and phones conversations with my daughter until our divorce is finalized if it happens. i do however need some help in writing this letter and getting my point across in a respectful manner. and no i am not giving up on my marriage. i also am not afraid of loosing my W. i am concerned that OM has only been around my W maybe 8 days in person, in there 2 month long relationship and that my daughter should not be exposed to him in any way shape or form until there are final papers served.

thanks for your input

Regarding your daughter.

Don't give her the phone to talk with other man period.

You need to word your letter and discuss this issue with your wife in a manner that places all your concerns regarding OM phone calling and gift giving as what's best for your daughter.

SHe's only 4 and doesn't need to be placed in the middle of this mess.

This is all about your daughters well being. If your WW and OM see this then I think reasonable people will see that it's not the right time to involve your daughter in WW and OM relationship.

OM may not think he's doing anything potentialy harmfull to your daughter and may simple need to see the potential harm this may cause her.

You don't need to say anything to om. Tell your wife.

Involve a professional 3rd party. A counselor perhaps?

Make an appointment for YOU and your 4 year old to talk to a child psychologist together.

THEN, inform your wife of the appointment. Invite HER to join you when counseling with your daughter also. (she may show up just to be sure her point of view is heard)

EXPLAIN to your wife that you want to make sure that all this adult turmoil does as little harm to your sweet child as humanly possible.

EXPLAIN to your wife that your one concern is the emotional safeguarding for your child.

RE-INVITE your W if she declines ....."Just wanted to tell you the appointment is ____ at __o'clock. The invitation to join us is still open."

Do NOT contact the OM. If you do, it will bond the twe closer and they will think you sound foolish. They will increase their smug attitude.

Instead .... go to a professional child psychologist. Call your local university for a reference, if you don't know where to go. Or, call your D's pediatrician, and ask for a reference. Tell the pediatricion what's going on (WW's affair and OM calling) and what your fears are for the safety of your child.

The money you might spend is small compared to the welfare of your child.

Pep

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

PS .... if one of my patients came in with his 4 year old and complained about his W's OM (who is a virtual stranger) calling the 4 year old .... I'd report it to the child welfare authorities as questionable behavior for an adult male.

THAT is no joke. I would.

This is scary stuff.

Pep

jbpal,

I really feel for you in this situation.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>