I just finished typing my whole story, but lost it while trying to paste my Plan B letter in it. So needless to say, I am frustrated right now. Also, I need to know if there is such a legend or key for all the abreviations I see members using.

I will try to be shorter just to get it done. We will be married 10 years this Dec. We have 3 kids, G-7, B-5 today, G-3. Our marriage has been okay but not great since our son was born. Mostly due to lack of honest communication.

I found out this past Feb. 27th about my H had a one weekend affair with a stranger he met at a country music festival last June '02. She lives in Chicago, we live in MN. Apparently there was no contact between them for the entire past year. Even though I was hurt, angry, bitter, I did not tell any family or friends. Neither did he. He was a bit remorseful, and we both put it behind us and moved on. Even though I was hesitant about him going again this year (he had already had his ticket before Feb.), I did not hold him back from going.

Apparently, they saw eachother again and immediately picked up where they left off last year. I found out while out of town on 07/14/03, I was trying to call him using our calling card, but it was in use by him for over an hour. Strange since he was not a phone person. I found that he recharged our card to 2500 minutes. Now I was suspicious and called ATT and found he made 5 calls in 4 days to an area code near Chicago. I confronted him 07/16/03 and he said he fell out of love with me and in love with her. I was blown away. He did not want to try to make things work. He was planning to maybe move to IL and leave me and our kids.

I received from my atty. a day or two later Dr. Harley's book. I read it, suggested it to my H and he read it. We immediately took the EN survey and began to work things out with a one week and then to be a 3 mo. no contact with the OW. My H lasted one week, one day and then called her and hasn't stopped since. He moved out 08/03/03 to live in our camper 30 minutes away.

I pursued for a few weeks, then cut off all communication except re: the kids after I found out he lied to me about a business trip on Aug. 14 - 16th, he really took vacation and had her come up to the camper where he screwed her in our camper bed and spent the weekend with her.

I would like to believe (but am cautious) that my no contact with him is working. I say this cuz he told me on Sunday that he reeaalllyy misses me and misses talking with me since our communication is better than ever. He also said he still loves me very much. He asked if we can continue the talks so he CAN get his head on straight. I asked, "while you still see and talk to her?", He paused and said yes. I shook my head and said no, I cannot do that.

I gave him my plan B letter on this past Sunday. I will see him tonight for our son's B-day party along with his whole family. uncomfortable feeling, hopefully more for him though. I will also see him tomorrow for the regular visitation, which is also his B-day. I plan to give him a small book called, "Touchpoints", God's answers to your daily needs. It is like a dictionary where you look up a desired word and it gives God's viewpoint on the subject and what to do according to God's will. It is very good for what we are all experiencing.

That is where we are at, and hopefully we will move forward instead of backwards. Any suggestions about if I should listen to what his response to my Plan B letter is tonight or tomorrow OR should I tell him to save it for our 5th counseling session next Tuesday. Many family members say to do the latter since I said I don't want to talk to him. I don't know if I can wait that long even though I agree I should wait. The time alone, and not having a crystal ball showing me what is constantly on his mind is literally driving me crazy. Any suggestions?

Thank you
PandJwillsurvive

pandj

I also read you letter and thought it was very good...

mortarman already answered this...the reality is that there it to be NO contact...

NONE...

the only discussion of the plan b letter is for him to say I have severed all contact with OW and want to work soley on our marriage...
that is all there is to discuss...
and do not get sucked in to anything else...anything else...if those words are not the first thing from his mouth..there is nothing to talk about...

anything else...ANYTHING ELSE..is continuation of him cake-eating...

What continued contact means after your plan b letter is that you do not mean what you say...
and that contact undermines plan b..

part of plan b is saying ..I hear what you say about not wanting to be married...

So I am saying back to you response that i can not be part of a triangle of pain...

not what i would choose (the BS)...but what you have chosesn..(WS)
here is the reality of your consequances...

the sooner you put in to action the meaning behind the words in your plan b...the sooner you really are in plan b...the sooner he will feel the real reality of his choices...

bail out of birthday party..if you can...feign illness if you must...OR avoid him at all costs...make sure you are never ever ever alone with him the whole evening...and little to nothing beyone polite in interactions...
but do look fabulous... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ABSOLUTElY no birthday gift to him from you...
be serious...here..
what would get his attention more...

the man has received a gift from you and acknowledgement of his birthday for how many of the past...what...ten years atleast...

he gets nothing...
nadda.
do not mention it...

call your counsellor and inform him/her of you going no contact...get your sessions changed...
do not tell him you have done this...do not go with him anywhere...

this is not game playing...this is protecting and reality..
game playing is him attempting to make you and himself believe that it is normal and OK for some one MARRIED to have contact with someone they are sleeping with outside of the marital vows...
THAT IS A GAME

pandj...;the sooner you cut him out..the sooner he will live the reality of his chosen path...

planb is that...NO CONTACT

ws wayward spouse
bs betrayed spouse..
D-day..is the day affair discovered.
OP OM OW other person other man other wife
plan a...road map to ending contact between ws
LB...love bank...and or love busters which are the times you can't hold back from calling a WS a [censored]... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

get busy take care of you..be active..be happy and content that you are no longer part of any sick and twisted emotional rollar-coaster...

and plan B...where you go to NO CONTACT>>!!!!!!!!

ark

If it's hard for you, imagine how hard it is for him (or at least you hope).

My FWH never got serious obout recovery until he REALLY thought he lost me. The WS's can get lost in their fantasy of the OP if they think they can fall back on you. The continued contact only reassures them they can come back. It's the lack of contact, and the thinking "What if she won't take me back...?" that gets a person thinking about what they REALLY want.

This also gives you a chance to distinguish between your NEED for him and your WANT. You can begin to see how dependent you've become on him. Become more self-reliant. You are worth more than sharing.

stillheremakingit,

I'm glad to hear someone's recovery is going well. Thanks for your comments. I will give it some thought. Sounds like you found out fairly quickly. Good luck and hope the recovery keeps going well.

PandJwillsurvive

Have you considered copying OW on your Plan B letter? Or somehow notifying her that WS has a wife and 3 small children. Most likely your H has filled her with a lot of lies. Do you know anything of her situation? (Married? Children?)

Have you exposed his affair to family and friends?

Those are two of the most powerful things you can do right now. And both will help destroy the affair.

Arc,

Thank you for the advice. I will concentrate on being stronger and more resistive. I admit my H is one of my weaknesses. He is very irresistable. The B-day party went okay. WS was first to arrive, and I stayed clear of him. Didn't converse with him. He did say that I looked pretty again tonight. In fact his whole family who was here said I look great. I replied to them, "Everyday, I look like this everyday".

It was sort of awkward with everyone knowing our situation, but it went as well as could be expected. WS left when his parents did. He just said goodbye and left. I don't know what to make of his distance. It is either he might be angry about what my PBL said, or he is trying to respect my wishes as I stated in the PBL. It is driving me crazy wondering what he thinks of the letter. I constantly am thinking about him and wondering what is going on upstairs in his head. How can I try to take care of me, be active and happy when I am simply miserable w/o him in my life. I have to believe that the D-day is still too fresh and painful for me which is making it still difficult to go on for my kids and myself.

BS- Age 34
WS- Age 33
3 kids (G-7, B-5, G-3)
D-Day 07/16/03
Plan A 07/19/03 - 07/26/03
WS moved out - 08/03/03
Plan B 08/18/03 PBL issued 08/24/03

Lexxxy,

I have thought about sending the OW a shorter PBL, but I do not have any info. on her except that she is the same age as me, same height, a little more shapely (used to be anyway b/4 I lost 23 pounds in the past 6 weeks), so now who is more shapely WS?

She is also married unhappily for 10 years, had seperated for 6 months four years ago. She went back to him, only for things to go back to the way they were. Apparently her H did not change as he said he would. That is just her story. She also has a 9 year old girl. She lives in St. Charles, IL and we live in midsection of MN.

The only way I could get a PBL copy to her is to ask my WS to hand deliver it to her when he plans to see her this coming weekend if he is still planning on that. Hopefully NOT!!! Hopefully my PBL will do that much good, but I am not counting on it.

As for family and friends, all family knows and most friends, which we didn't have many friends where we are at right now. Moved here 21 months ago from WI.

I do know that the OW has been feeding WS with precautions to watch out for such as that she told him that the BS will say they are going to change and it only lasts a few weeks or month.

My changes in me have now been in action since 07/19/03.

Thanks for the info. If you have any ideas of how I can get her a copy or shortened version, let me know. I thought about hiring a P.I. to find her. I have her phone numbers and the name, address, and phone number of some people that my WS and OW visited 1 1/2 weeks ago in IL. That may be a possibility. I would love for a P.I. to get enough info on her so I could run a criminal history check on her. You see, I asked my WS how many men has she done this with before him. He said all he will say is more than 1. So that tells me she has had an affair at least 3 times including him. I told this to WS that she won't stop with him and that he will eventually be in my shoes.

Let me know if you have any suggestions.

PandJwillsurvive

PANDJ..

For as charming and irrestiable he is to you..you are the same to him..

AND so much of the rationalization of conitinuing contact is that I always have my wife to fall back on..

she's always there fighting for me...

remove ALL focus from him and transfer it to you...
each time you wonder what he is doing/ up to...rest assured he is thinking the same of you...

If you don't put solid actions behind the letter the letter will have no meaning...those are some of the most serious words I have written here ever...

He read the letter...now he is watching you...and if you make contact with birthday gifts...and same couselling time...then he we say..
hah she didn't mean what was in that letter..
and the "letter" can be used against you..

never hand the WS a loaded weapon...

no contact because his actions hurt to much to be exposed too...

part of this is that the norm has been keeping the affair alive even in your universe..

that some have noted that the wives actions and response feed great fodder and energy into the continuation of the affair...

WS and OP can spend hours focused on what the spouse is up to...remove yourself from that equasion...and holy heck..now we got two gooned out grownups..who haven't been acting to grown up lately...and what is there to focus on and discuss...perhaps the ill treatment and pain they have inflicted....???

Can't talk about the betrayed spouse..they aren't doing anything..

PanJ...the pain of having a spouse in your life that is choosing too blatantly disrepect you and your children by keeping this other person in your marriage...should and will eventually out weigh any pain you may feel with him not around you right now...

some people do modified plan B's..and they work for them...
BUT right now in the beginning...if the first few days..
I implore you for no contact...NONE...no no no conversations about his response/reaction to the letter..it was a good letter..let it speak for you...
save his present for when he is deserving of a present...

blessings to you...many know how hard this is...

ARK

Ark,

Thanks again for the words of wisdom. I will give it some heartfelt thought.

PandJ