There is a really good female friend of my ex that has been close to him through all of our problems. I know he has talked to her about us. She has turned up again after being out of the picture for awhile. She told me herself she has feelings for him. He says she is only a good friend. I had to find out from my 3 year old that he saw her this weekend. He swears they are only friends, but goes out of his way to keep me from finding out when she is around. I am in so much pain right now! I can't handle this. And he(ex) thinks she is so perfect. She divorced about the same time as us. They were there for each other I guess. They worked together up until about a month ago. How do I handle this. It's hard to NOT react at all! Her ex cheated on her too. And my ex is always telling me how she would never do anything like that. How do I compete with "little miss perfect"?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"He swears they are only friends, but goes out of his way to keep me from finding out when she is around. I am in so much pain right now! I can't handle this."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Firstly you need to get a grip on your emotions by making peace with the fact that you can't stop him from developing a relationship with this other woman IF he has his heart on doing so. Secondly, talk to him in a calm and respectful manner that he needs to be honest with the two of you, for not only yous and the other woman's sake but for his own as well. And thirdly, let him know that as horribly painful it may be for you to do, that you will let go of him and respect his decision to establish a committed relationship with this other woman.

You see by not pressuring him and showing him your courage, he may decide that it is you and not the other woman, that he wants to establish a committed relationship with.

Am I to understand that you and your exH are divorced? If so, then he has every right to pursue whatever relationships he wants. It's really none of your business.

You can tell him how you feel but, unless the two of your resolve the issues that drove you apart in the first place there isn't much hope for sucessful reconciliation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
Am I to understand that you and your exH are divorced? If so, then he has every right to pursue whatever relationships he wants. It's really none of your business.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry mgm but it IS her business because he's been having sex with her after the divorce.

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thanks CoffeeMan.

I disagree. Unless, they decided there was to be a reconciliation/commitment of sorts, he can still "date" other ppl.

It's sad that he would treat her so disrespectfully, heartbreaking that she is so upset but, he is not answerable to her or their relationship any longer! Regardless, of whether or not they were intimate.

Now, if there was an A with this "friend" during the M...then that's another issue! That would mean she was lied to the whole time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"but, he is not answerable to her or their relationship any longer! Regardless, of whether or not they were intimate."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry mgm but again I must beg to differ with you because NOBODY has a right to use another person for sex while having a relationship with another, whether they are married or not.

But he has been promising me a reconciliation for a year and a half now. I was the one who had the affair if that helps. And I have told him that if he can't forgive me we should just try and move on but he just keeps me hanging on. If he thinks I'm even thinking about "moving on" he is back telling me he wants to try again. And then when I think things are going well he decides he can't be with me.

sad*ex as I said in one of my posts, you need to sit down with your ex-H and convey to him in a calm and respectful manner the following points:

1. Total honesty with you and the other woman. Remind him how your dishonesty destroyed your marriage, and how dishonesty from any or both of you can destroy any chance of a future reconciliation.

2. A willingness, albeit reluctant, to let him go if he wants to form a committed relationship with the other woman.

Non negotiable boundaries have to be established and one of the most important is total honesty between the two of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"but, he is not answerable to her or their relationship any longer! Regardless, of whether or not they were intimate."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry mgm but again I must beg to differ with you because NOBODY has a right to use another person for sex while having a relationship with another, whether they are married or not.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course this behaviour isn't acceptable. I didn't say it was. I believe sad*ex is being "led on" by a master manipulator.

My point was and still is...they are divorced, his behaviour, while outrageous, misleading, manipulative and destructive is not a betrayal of their M vows or marital commitment. While it's not much of a consolation, there are many singles who have multiple partners. The reality is that the time to "play the field" is when one is single and not committed...but, it should be done with honesty to avoid this kind of scenario. It's despicable the sad*ex's exH decided to "play" while telling her he was going to come back. His behaviour is hurtful, deeply so but, he is a "player" and a "user". I can't condone his actions but, nor can I say to her he owes her anything but honesty. He does not owe her the fidelity or loyalty found in a M. He owes her the respect she deserves as mother of his child and as a potential long term partner. She deserved to be told he was also "seeing" other people, while seeing her so she could make an informed decision about the relationship.

The advice that sad*ex demand honesty from him is excellent. IMHO, she is unlikely to get it...he's enjoying his "cake eater" lifestyle. I also think sad*ex needs to set boundaries for how she will and won't be treated. It will be incredibly difficult but, if she needs to let him go to protect herself and allow herself to heal then that is what she must do.

So, TMCM, on this situation, you and I will have to agree to disagree. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>