We were .. this close to moving in together again, and yes my marriage is closer to recovery... but still.... there are issues... and I am part of them.

I need to let go.

Help for my issue of not letting go, please offer your suggestions.

Thanks to any of you who can offer advice to someone, me, who wants to do, and solve problems... way too much!

I want to fix so much I hurt me, and drive my spouse away.

Honey

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Hi Honey!

Sorry I haven't been able to return your calls - you know what life is like with an almost 2 year old....I chase him around until he falls asleep and I then I pass out from exhaustion!

I just found a really good book about those of us who try to control people - based upon our prior discussions, you are aware that STBXH has accused me of this. Even though STBXH and I are divorcing, I continue to work on me. To that end, I found a book at Barnes & Noble on 1960 and Champions all about letting go of control and how the need to control undermines intimacy in a relationship. I do not remember its name, so I will have to wait until I get home to call or post with it.

One thing I am learning more and more each day is that by letting STBXH make his own decisions, respecting those decisions and not trying to change his mind once he has made them, and not letting his actions or the fall out/consequences from his decisions rule MY emotions, I become stronger. In fact, while there is still a lot of drama that STBXH has told me about between him, OW, his sister and father - not all at the same time and not perpetual, but spurts here and there - DS and I are insulated from it. There is peace in our home and I am moving forward - although I did a very very poor Plan B for only a few short days, I now understand the value of it - but the NC has to be absolute. STBXH's distance and not seeing him on a daily basis has helped me put a lot of things in perspective, to start defining who I am as a person, and to realize that I am not defined by my role as wife, mother, etc., but things that go deeper that "roles."

Believe me, I don't want a divorce, I love my husband - but have accepted that a marriage takes two people and one person can't hold it all together while the other does whatever he or she pleases - it has to be a partnership to which both spouses are committed. I would LOVE for STBXH to come home, work on our marriage and make the changes in himself that would allow for our marriage to recover, but I cannot force that change on him - he has to want to do it for himself and not anyone else. What I do know is that I am committed to making the changes in me that will make me a better person and that is all I have control over.

If you want/need to talk, the best time to catch me is at work or on my cell during commute time - I think you have both those numbers.

Hugs,

BB

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

Honey,
What do you need to let go of?

I'm confused by your post, to me letting go means letting go of expectations of your spouse or to let go of past, unchangeable hurts. But if you are getting to the point of reconciliation, then...you should have expectations.

Can you clarify?

I need to let go.

This could mean so many things that I think the posters could help you if they knew exactly what those things are.

Let go of...

The Alcohol Issue? Does he still want to drink to excess?

The House Issue? Does he still want you to leave your home and move into that small place that he has in the unsavory part of town?

The Job Issue? Does he think that it shouldn't matter whether or not he has a job?

The Counselling Issue? I think he stopped attending with you...does he still refuse to go?

Are these some of the things that you need to let go of? Are these boundaries that he wants lifted and you feel that you must lift in order to reconcile?

Or.....Do you simply need to let go of HIM, let him run his path and see if it leads him back to you...your marriage...and your family?

committed

I need to let go of him, and quit trying to push him to conform to my way of life... my idea of a family... my idea of a marriage, relationship, etc.

BB- Seems to understand me quite well. I think those of us married to alcholics do get it.... somehow we get into this +fix-it+ role where we try to much to fit them into the round hole even if they are square or triangle, or whatever shape they want...

I married my h for who he is, but when he didn't grow up to be the loving h , or the responsible h I needed and Expected, I tried to force it... something I can't do...

Desperately, I tried to make it work. He loves me, true. But forcing a man to be something he is not, doesn't work. Forcing him into my expectations and being angry when he doesn't conform... only makes me resentful.

Hard not to resent a husband who doesn't come home at night sober.... ? Well, he used to not be so bad. But my constant true craze over his affair-s, has given him so many reasons to point fingers at me, and have so much less responsibility on his shoulders...

Yes, I take the focus off my life and put it on his life and try to make him into the husband I need, so I can have the life I want. Doesn't work.

Letting GO of him... is my subject.

I can take care of me, and my kids, my responsibilities... Yes, that works... obsessing over my marriage to the point I can't do my laundry and all I can do is stare into space doesn't work, when I am a overachiever???? WHAT is UP with that??? Obsession with another person???!

Well I do know, I have to let go.

You are right BB, it takes 2 to have a marriage, I need a willing partner... I can't make it happen alone.

I hope we get to talk soon, will try to reach you!

Hugs, Honey

Honey,
I think BB said it perfectly:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love my husband - but have accepted that a marriage takes two people and one person can't hold it all together while the other does whatever he or she pleases - it has to be a partnership to which both spouses are committed. I would LOVE for STBXH to come home, work on our marriage and make the changes in himself that would allow for our marriage to recover, but I cannot force that change on him - he has to want to do it for himself and not anyone else. What I do know is that I am committed to making the changes in me that will make me a better person and that is all I have control over.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Honey - If he isn't going to change and he hasn't grown into the person that you want - then you have your answer - There is actually no easy way to let go - And it just takes time - and distance - you need to stop wondering and worrying about the state of the marriage - because if in fact he isn't what you want then you don't right now have a marriage - It takes a long time to get over someone that you have loved for so long and you have children with - Believe I know I still have a hard time letting go of some aspects of my exhusband - but again he didn't turn into the person that I wanted him to be and he wasn't a willing participant in my marriage - therefore the marriage ceased to exist... Was I afraid to be on my own yes - but again you are on your own and have been for awhile - I used to tell myself all of the time - it is time to stop wallowing in my selfpity and pick myself up and move on - he doesn't want me - as much as I don't want that to be true - I have no control over him --- I can only control myself and my children deserve to have a happy life without all of this crap in their lives - Now granted that doesn't mean that life is wonderful - but they are happier - I mean if I didn't have kids I could have held onto my exhusband forever but there comes a point when you have to think about yourself and the example you are setting for your children about what a marriage should be --- You again deserve so much more and so much better.. The only way to let go - is to do it and deal with the consequences - I mean really what do you have now??? Is your life so fulfilling with the amount of time that he is in it -or is really just one hassle after another trying to figure out what is going to happen next???

Honey,

Can you live with him the way he is?

Can you love him the way he is right now?

Keep it simple....answer some very basic questions with your heart. You have the answers, now ask for the strength.

Gib