My wife had a PA/EA in 1999. We got through it, and have a much stronger marriage now than before.

She plays on a coed softball team that often travels out of town for tournaments. It's apparently well-known that 2 married (not to each other) teammates ("[censored]" and "Jane") "hook-up" on every trip that takes place.

Our family went to the last tournament since most of the team camped out. Instead of camping, [censored] and Jane got a motel room that they say they shared with a married couple. I think they got 2 separate rooms, but I am not 100% sure.

I know [censored] and Jane better than their spouses, but I have met the BS's before. I have been told that Jane has a pretty open marriage, and that her husband doesn't care what she does. I have heard that [censored]'s wife has suspicions and would not approve.

It has been nagging me since this weekend about what, if anything, I should do. Do I confront [censored] or Jane? Do I call one or both of the spouses? Send them an anonymous letter?

I discussed this briefly with my wife, and not surprisingly she doesn't think I should do anything. Her A isn't really an open topic of discussion anymore, and she doesn't like talking about things along those lines (yes, I am concerned by her reaction since issues like this do bother me).

I know when I was the BS, I was upset with several friends who had suspicions but didn't tell me about them. I certainly would want to know if I was the BS in this instance.

I would appreciate any ideas on how to handle this.

Do nothing as you missed your window of oppertunity.

If you wanted to bring this out you should have just sent the unsigned letter to both spouses and if the finger got pointed towards you simply denied what you did.

Now your wife knows so any action by you will cause problems in your marriage.

Personaly I don't know why you would discuss someone elses problems with your wife when you know it makes her uncomfortable discussing that kind of topic.

I think your using this other couples situation and how you feel as a way of talking indirectly towards your wife and what happened between the two of you.

Or you could be trying to transfer some anger you still feel towards your wife by attacking those who are also cheating.

Remember you said Jane's in an open marriage and Jacks wife suspects. If jacks wife was concerned all she would have to do is begin going on the trips.

maybe this is a little deep, just something to think about.

Hi Goodguy,

Thanks for the response. I think you are correct on a lot of points. I really do have zero tolerance for people who are cheating, and have no desire to be around them. The married couple who they supposedly "shared" the room with made a number of excuses about why the cheaters weren't around various times during the weekend. It did bring reminders that people have to lie to cover affairs.

My wife doesn't seem to be able to compare her actions to these types of situations. It's kind of like "that's just the way things are in the world." I don't think I am trying to punish her, but I don't feel right just looking the other way.

I did not feel comfortable contacting the BS's without discussing this with my wife. The story is much more complicated than I've described, and could affect many people.

I don't know for sure that Jane has an open marriage - I think it is probably more of the "implied" assumption by others since he isn't around the group. [censored]'s wife is pregnant and due any day, so she couldn't be there.

You are right, at this point I am torn. I feel the BS's should be told, and if I don't tell them then I am in some way contributing to this affair. But I don't want to cause a conflict with my wife.