Summary,

Week 0 - WW's affair is falling apart. OM
(married) wants out. WW tells me she
can't talk or see me for some time as
she needs time and space.

Week 1 - I email WW about her mail. She says jsut
leave it in the mail box.

Week 6 - I email WW about her mail. She sends
nice email back asking how I've been.
How have friends been. And tells me
a little about her life. (I think maybe
fogs lifting?)
- WW picks up mail and knocks on door. We
have a nice conversation 15 - 20 min. (I
think maybe the fog is lifting?)

Week 8 - I email WW about her mail. I ask WW is
she's still seeing OM and if I'm part of
her past.
WW responds avoids question about OM
and now doesn't know about our future.
(I think why wouldn't she just tell me if
she's seeing OM or not and this is the
first time she hasn't just told me "it's
over")
WW then asks me if I would like to get a
drink after work. So we do.

Week 12 - Still respecting WW request for time
and space.

Now my questions this.

Should I keep my distance so as not to seem week and desparate or should I reach out and test the waters a little? No preasure just "how are you doing would you like to get a drink or dinner"

I do know from OM Wife that the affair has been under increasing preasure as OM is quickly loosing his mind. No friends, family respect lost, hates his new job and appartment. And OM wife just went to Plan B a week ago.

gg007 -

From what you have typed in this thread, it does not appear that you've had much of a chance to show your W a good Plan A. She has not given you much chance to fulfill her needs. But that is only part of Plan A. The main part of Plan A is making goodguy a better guy. Have you been doing that? If your W wants to spend more time with you (ie. give you a chance to fill her needs) are you ready to show her your changes? Have you changed? Or is she going to see the old goodguy that made her want to find OM?

If you have made improvements to yourself and are ready for it, then yes, contact your W and 'gently' chase her.

JMHO.....

Good luck,

Gib

Hi Goodguy,

I know that there are others much more qualified who will respond, but you answered one of my questions so thought I would try to help.

It is not 100% clear if you are in Plan A or Plan B. It's been a while since I studied the principles, but I think that if you are separated and the WS is still with the OP that you should in most cases be in a Plan B.

The main goal of the Plan B is to force the WS to make a choice between the OP and you. It sounds like the fog may be clearing. But the danger I see here is that if both you and the OM are "courting" her that she will think she has the best of both worlds. She will be secure knowing that she can fall back to you, but she can also keep the excitement of the affair.

If the OM is "losing it", and his wife is doing a good Plan B with him, your wife should quickly see that he isn't quite the prize she thought he was.

Fortunately I didn't have to go thru a Plan B. But one positive of it when/if the WS does come back, is that they have to fully think thru the whole situation to make that decision.

I know this is the opposite of the previous response, but it sounds like your wife is close to seeing the light. I think you will be better off by her seeing it on her own, and her making the decision to end the affair before you try to Plan A. In the meantime, I do recommend that you work on improving yourself for your own sake, so that you are better prepared when she is ready to get back together.

To respond to both of you. I've been in Plan A since DDAY though I didn't know what I was doing at the time.

I agree that I've had little time to Plan A as my WW left and confessed on Dday. She was the one who went N/C on me during the first week of June when it appeared that her affair partner wanted to end the affair. I've been respecting her request.

I have made changes to myself and I'm getting stronger. However my WW has never told me what she needed. So I'm guessing at some and I do know some things that were slipping. When things were not right I would ask what was wrong and would get "nothings wrong" total avoidance.

This is my understanding of Plan A and Plan B in a nutshell...

Plan B has a lower chance of success without some good Plan A beforehand. And it makes sense. If you go into NC, what is the last thing that your Spouse remembers? If you had a chance to Plan A then she will be more likely to have some good recent memories to draw upon.

If you go dark (Plan B) right away, then she will think about all the bad that 'caused' her affair (remember the fog...). Those feelings and memories will feed her withdrawal and make reconciliation more unlikely.

MB principles only improve the odds of recovery...

IMHO, contact her...

Gib