ark^^ Thanks for the respond,yes,you spanked me hard,all right..guess what,when I replied earlier on I thought of you,I thought of "getting away" from you,I deleted the part that I was going to say something to you,then again I replied about having a lot of growing up to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and I meant it

Now, I must say that part about golf lessons & dining with another BS to b**** it was because
this BS understands what I am dealing with and not judging me,not that I can't do it here on MB just that not feeling/being alone is not a bad feeling at time like this,perhaps I should just delete the b****ing part huh?

Of course I know my own mistakes and short comings
you replied to Blah </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I know who wangi is mad at....and she sure is wasting time... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I knew you meant OW and you are right! I also know that I am wasting my time,she used to intimidate me for Blah chose her over me but now that I know what a character she is,I find no reason to feel anything for such living thing,yes I am still angry,if Blah could just stop talking about her which I had said to him we should not involve such living thing in our lives,sure she was a big part for the last 22 months..easier said than done. I do not need to say how Blah hang on to all her foulness and tricks..no matter what/how she made Blah felt in the A,all was unreal & lies. There were times Blah knew it & most of the time,he just lives in it.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I know Blah would love your reply to me,that I do
get lectures too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> knowing him..esp. he feels that I took everyone away from him!

Communication? That is the biggest fault of me,he can only said I do not communicate & when we did,it is when one attacks before being attacked. Very classic,yes. ark^^ no marriage is all good,we
fought & we never really looked into the problems,
either forgive and forget or just ignored..if you think I have not learnt from his A,then you must know I have because I looked at what went wrong,
but working on it is a long process...
You said
I would say you are self sabotaging...but I am not clear on what it is you want from him... so I am scared to use the word recovery..cause I don't think the two of you are even in the same vehicle..let alone headed down the road to recovery.. I do agree....
my separation with him has helped me looked mainly at myself,I am a person that is pretty easy to be satisfied,my life is good except for M,we certainly need guidance,rules to abide in etc etc.

What do I want? I guess just peace. No matter how bad Blah defined our M,I knew we were able to live in peace,love,trust,reliable,sleep well,eat well,healthy living with many friends and family visiting..that is all I want,I know this much there can't be with the 3rd person that was not even on our marriage contract and a WH that does not remember my good parts but my misbehavings
...sound like a victim eh? However you want to look at it,I know Blah knows who I really am to him,only by counting my faults can justify all that had happened,I do understand...remembering how he used to be,the good virtuos man that always
come around to hug and kiss me and said"YOU ARE THE BEST!"even before dday. You have no idea how lonely I had been. Maybe you know? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ok, change I must.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Thanks for the bold spanking and I appreciate it.

ark^^ so I deleted the golfing and b****ing part..
you think it sounded better now,not so much of an LB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Even though I have been in contact, we had the most productive talk last night, probably the most in the whole marriage. There is so much fear on each side.

I want to have a plan, and we will discuss it using the SAA book tonight. I know what I need to do. Can I do it? I need to do whatever it takes to cut my attachment to OW. I know it has to be complete NC. That is the difficult part. I am afraid to let go, even after she lied to me for almost 2 years...am I crazy or what?

Yes Blah,

without a doubt

You ARE definitely crazy...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
ARK

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Blah,

I think you have a good chance of recovery if you really want it. It's hard work (as I've read from others, not that I've done it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) But if it's what you REALLY want and if you really want to give your marriage a FAIR chance, then NC is something that must be done.

I wish you and Wangi the best.

Good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blah wrote:
Or how she digs through the garbage to find evidence against me (weird!). She snoops into my computer history to see where I have surfed ...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Blah,

If you had an affair, then Wangi (your wife) has a perfect right to snoop, AND you should be happy to oblidge and give her WHATEVER she needs to feel SAFE AND SECURE. The trust between you and her regarding FIDELITY has been breached and in order to regain a symbolence of that trust you need to disclose everything to her and allow her to snoop to her heart's content. These are the consequences of tainting your marriage with infidelity and the only way to rebuild is to relinguish your so called "privacy".

JMVHO, but a strong one.

Lv,
Jo

BTW: Digging through the garbage to find evidence may seem weird to you, but I pray YOU never have to experience betrayal, else one day you may very well find your smug self with your head in that dumpster too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

And regarding OW NOT having STDs. That's precisely what my ex-H swore, OWs were clean, she'd never have such things.

Well you know what, Blah. My husband shared HPV and a few other special STDs with me which went untreated because I trusted him. I ended up with stage 3 cervical cancer caused by HPV and aggrevated by the other STDs. Nice, huh?

When you sleep with OW, you are sleeping with every single person she has slept with, no question. Realizing and facing this is the responsibly mature and adult way to be.

Jo

Blah and I had a good talk last night,it was indeed productive though the truth continues to hurt me,it was like being stabbed in my heart-the lies,talking and meeting...He is at the clinic at the moment for the STD test.

Thanks to all,let's see where we go from here.

Wangi

Dear Wangi and Blah,

Good to hear from both of you.

Blah, have you ever read Trueheart's post to the WS? He wrote it back in July 2001. Doesn't seem like only 2 years ago more like 4 years ago. So much has happened to us since then.

Blah, I noticed a much better attitude in your last post. It made my heart glad.

Make sure your fear the right things and are fearless about the right things. It is a balance that most don't learn right away in life. That why life is a challenge.

I see progress. This is good. Wanna come visit us tomorrow? We may be at the flea market...... no fleas just a lot of people getting rid of their junks!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

Blah, Just check my signature below on WS Letter to WS ... hope you could slavage your M. Listen to this song Gollumn Song. It is very lonely at the end.

-rh-

Wangi ...

Please contact the MB counseling center.

You need some coaching. It starts with YOU Wangi .... you're the less insane party in this marriage right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ..... You're BOTH NUTZ .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .... but one is "nutzier" than the other ! You keep stepping on your own foot Wangi .... and you complain about hurt toes.

Blah .... I love you kid, you know that ... but your "thinker" is not working just yet. Until your "thinker" is working better .... use your ears more than your mouth. Just breathe. Don't make big decisions or make "proclaimations" .... you shouldn't trust yourself to be unbiased or especially clear right now.

"I see hurting people" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Relax and breathe.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

RE: EMAIL TO OW

Well despite the disappointment that you, the person that I staked my whole life on sharing her life with me, the person that I forsook the love of my dearest uncle Earl for, the respect of many of my family and friends (because I so believed in your FAITHFULNESS and LOVE to me), despite all of the losses I have incurred as a result of my MISTAKE of ever knowing you, I will still believe in the old saying "love conquers all". Because it is not in my control if someone speaks love with their lips and their deeds do greater harms. It is more hurtful when the one you loved is the one who betrayed you, like Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. So you did to me, didn't you. Didn't you deny me in front of your closest friends, like Peter did in the garden of Gesthemene?

Yes Love conquers all, thats why I say you did not love me nor do you love me now. If you did, then we would be sharing our lives, but we both know that facts today as they are. You can remain deceived, but I will stand the only person who will keep his self-respect and dignity out of us 3 (You, me and Bob). I know you won't call me, or try to contact me, you expect me to run back to you, well not this time. I know you will not try to contact me, because you know you don't love me nor do you care even if I drop dead. Don't lie to me.

I will be strong and independent and live my dreams. You will not be a part of these anymore, too bad for you. You will not get to experience anything I wished for you and me. It is your loss, not mine. I am not losing anything in someone who wants to keep me on the outside of her life, and use me when she can make a little time for me. Where is your sense of respect for others? For once in my life since I met you, I am not afraid of the future, because I am choosing to be loved, and respected, and appreciated...not thrown aside, and put at a distance, and made empty promises to. Give your empty promises to Bob, he will love them.

How dare you tell me you and Bob are together and expect me to keep talking to you. The nerve! Go and be fake and a liar to Bob(live-in boyfriend), you probably dont to him now because you love him so much and "the house, the house". I want REAL people in my life who are not afraid to invite me to their home and trust me enough to be a part of their lives...not just treat me like some sex object that they can use from time to time. You didn't even treat me as a friend, more like a dog that you kick around. And besides like you told Bob's sister, I only used Joe for sex, remember? Very nice, now just settle back in with Bob, but don't expect me to join in the fun anymore.

Goodbye

blah34,

Edit your email ... read SAA's NC letter as sample. Short, direct and no LB neither mussy ...

If you sent your letter that you post I gurantee she will contact you to "get" her last word in.

Even one liner is enough ... I choose to give all to wangi and our relationship is a mistake, please don't contact me in any way ... BYE - BLAH.

-rh-

Blah,

How are you feeling now?

You can call and talk to H when you can or need to. I sensed anger and hurt in your e-mail. I also saw that you choose to be with those who loved you and are not ashamed of you. If so, that is good.

What are you trying to accomplish with this letter? Ows are die hearts. Some actually convince themselves it is their 'right' to use people.

IMHO, you can't teach or help this OW because she sees nothing wrong with her choices in life and her lifestyle. If you see the need to separate yourself from her foolish lifestyle then do so for your protection. 1 step at a time. Keep moving in the right direction. Healing can hurt but only temporarily.

take care,
L.

That's a 'poor me' letter if I EVER SAW IT! It's laughable, really. Poor you, she LIED to you...while you had an AFFAIR on your wife. SHAME ON HER for hurting you when you staked all your dreams in her WORDS...kind of like your wife did with you. And POOR POOR you, cause now you're really hurting and confused due to her lies. Kind of like you did to Wangi, eh? But Wangi's mean to you and probly deserved it, right?? GET REAL! You were happy with your wife, until she got a little tattered and worn around the edges...then, instead of mending what you had you found something that looked newer and shinier...just like the OW did with YOU. And when THAT got worn and tattered, YOU were the one that got set aside...not her. Boy, doesn't that just chaffe your hide! The NERVE that she didn't keep you and cherish you and idolize you until the day you decided to find someone else shinier. She just beat YOU to it, Blah.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You're an ADULT. Make some ADULT decisions.

hope4future,
I feel better after writing that email, and if it helps me to stop, then it is good. I dont need to defend it. You like to be critical, its ok, your right. You don't understand that I am struggling to get out of it. Its ok some people are not understanding and that is ok.

blah, you know we love ya, but that letter is downright funny in it's rank hypocrisy and self pity. She just did to you what you did to Wangi, yet we are supposed to view you as a "victim." You asked for it, Wangi didn't.

Please don't send a letter like that. Send one like Redhat suggested.

Blah,

Sorry you are feeling beat up. But I say ditto to Redhat's comments. Let me address the feelings that prompted your letter.

This isn't going to work as long as you still want something from OW. And this letter shows, in every line, that you want something from OW. You want her to understand you. You want her to know how you feel. You want her to acknowledge you are right.

Let it go. Assume she won't do any of that. Think of her as vapor. Then you will start to be truly free of the situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Blah,
You want her to understand you. You want her to know how you feel. You want her to acknowledge you are right.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMM you are right,that is exactly what he has been
struggling,wanting the living thing to know or to
understand his hurt feelings..it is too late,the email sent last night & the living thing already called & left him a v/m this morning. To me,to others this is asking for more trouble..to Blah this is to get his hurt out & felt better,let him be. He told me he was going to send a goodbye email & read to me the part where Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss, I did not know the whole content till I came to MB just now.

Anyway... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Thanks folks.

<small>[ September 08, 2003, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: wangi ]</small>

ROTFLMAO!!!

I'm critical? It's ok if I don't understand you?

Buddy, I WAS you. And that was HARDLY critical. I'm just laughing at the hypocrasy of it all. Maybe one day you'll have a clear head and can do the same.

Wangi, don't allow yourself to be pulled in to his pit. He's wallowing right now...heck, he was wallowing before. That's how he got messed up with this OW to begin with. Because he thought you weren't being good enough to him. Let him be...it's his choice. He can grow up or stagnate...and nothing you can do will change that. Just take care of you.