Your basic question, as stated toward the end of your post:
"What do I do when he doesn't want to work it out?First of all .... this is just too sad ... especially considering the young ages of your precious children. I am so sorry.
I think your assessment about him not wanting the responsibility is true. But, guess what ... he has responsibilities , his kids' and his wife's welfare.
Your immature-acting H has the right to walk away from being a married man (he can divorce you if he choses), but he does not have the right to walk away from his financial responsibilities to his children.
Please do not make the mistake of assuming that if you (more or less) allow him to be a dead-beat-dad (not paying child support) that he is more likely to return as your husband. That is not true. Do not go there. These are separate issues you are trying to recover (loving husband vs responsible father) and should be dealt with as separate but related issues.
He must be financially responsible for his children. YOU make sure of that. Get help from your legal community .... if you and H are separated, make sure you have legal documents in place that protects your childrens' legal rights to be provided for by their father.
Protecting your children from your H's mis-behaviour and childish thinking is NOT A LOVEBUSTER.Meanwhile, back to you, wanting soooo much your H's return (as a loving and willing partner) to the marriage ....
If you chase him, he will run away.
If you cry and beg and otherwise carry-on emotionally, he will run away.
THESE are love busters. Don't do them.
What might make your H nervous? .... start him questioning himself, wondering .... "Might I be making the worst mistake of my life?"
He sees his wife becoming emotionally strong on her own. Less needy.
He sees his wife developing her interests and taking excellent care of herself.
He sees his wife's growing self esteem and self respect.
He sees his wife as a healthy and calm and self assured woman of integrity.
He sees his wife as a woman any man might be attracted to.
He sees his wife as someone deserving of respect.
This is Plan A. YOU become the very best YOU possible. YOU take a look at your own weaknesses and shortcomings and you prune away any things that you think are unattractive. You weed YOUR garden, and plant beautiful flowers. And you tend your garden with love and care.
You read.
You exercise.
You pray.
You play.
You laugh.
You dance.
This works more often than fighting, crying, angry outbursts.
Be a woman of parts. The parts are honesty, loyalty, integrity, strength, courage, spirituality, personal empowerment, and love. Respect yourself.
Good luck, and welcome to Marriage Builders.
Pep
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<small>[ August 30, 2003, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
