I have posted my story in the past- but dont know how to insert the "link" for you to get back to hit- so a brief update will have to do...

First I just wanted to say that this place has been an answer to my prayers and some place I can turn to for comfort.... I respect and admire each and everyone of you on here for creating this environment... Recently I have read NEVERSUSPECTED's posts- and can really identify with her story, and have taken all that advice from Bramble, Orchid etc..... (this is why i havent posted an update until now...)

My H (WS) and I have come to the point where we need to seperate... My stance has always been the same- to forgive and move towards recovery, but I cant and wont do it alone.... We've tried Plan A- and still on the roller coaster... And with a small child a true Plan B is not possible.... My WS is still so deep in the fog that I know this is the only hope we have- (he is a "textbook WS")

He is still speaking out of both sides of his mouth- by saying that he hopes he sees what he has when he doesnt have it anymore- but in the same sentence to the OW says he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with his "soulmate"....

He says he is tired of everyone waiting for him to make a decision... (easy way out huh?...)

Shortly after DDay I read SSA- and he read about the first 80-100 pages, and stopped...

I just wanted to know if I should tell him about this website?.... I want him to have somewhere he can go and read about other situations and maybe get some advice also.... But in the same sentence I dont want it to "backfire" so to speak... Because he is still so deep in the fog I think he will read about other A's and not see how his is just the same?.... Should I wait until he leaves and the fog wears off?

Ouch,

I would definitely tell him about it. There are many wise people here, with lots of experiences that not only you, but your WH as well can relate to.

Now, my advice: make sure your WH does not know your MB name. If he does, create a new identity. Remove as much info from your signature line as possible to keep your true identity hidden from him. I say this only because my WH is a board lurker and reads everything I post (or was for some time; don't know if that's still the case). Sometimes I feel it's just fine for him to know my feelings, yet since I am in Plan B, it seems wrong for him to know my thoughts, activities, etc. But I am in here too long and too involved with some folks here to change my identity now. But you should be able to vent, and feel "safe" in your ability to do it somewhat anonymously.

Both you and your H need the help and support of this board. During the fogged out periods, your WH may not even CARE about reading here. Why would he, when he is happy with his "soulmate"? But even if he does, little scraps of information will get lodged in his brain, and it will come back to him later. Encourage him not just to lurk, but to post, and post honestly. Seek help here, and the MB'ers will give it.

These are just my opinions based on my personal sitch. Each one is different.

ISG

I would be hesitant about telling him. And here is why.

It would be great if he wanted to work on your marriage in a constructive way. However, the fact that you are heading towards separation speaks that he doesn't appear to be willing.

My experience is that my wife would come here and read what I had to say and then be angry that "I was airing our dirty laundry to a bunch of strangers." She felt that everyone here was out to get her, and I think that it hurt our chances of recovery rather than helped. I KNOW that this is just because of the person she is rather than for all people. So don't get me wrong. She didn't want to work. She wanted to pretend like nothing had happened, and when she was here reading about what had happened to US as well as the same crap from everyone else, and all the sudden she was just an adulteress instead of a 'special woman', she just became harder and harder.

There are special people who can come here as WS and learn. But those are the people who truly are remorseful and take responsibility for their actions. If he is not, I would be very careful about having him come here.

I did not tell my ex, she was 'checking up' on me and went through the history on the computer to see where I had been. In some ways I am glad she did, because I was able to see just what type of duplicitous person she is, and she was able to see that she is nothing more than a lying cheater, no fantasy as she had always dreamed about it being.

So just think about where he is and what type of person he is. Because I think this is more of a hot and cold site. He will either be remorseful and get some good, or he will be narcissistic and feel attacked... real or imagined.

I would wait until you are in Recovery, before disclosing MB to your WS.

When I first joined MB, my WH and I had been in our 4 month separation. I had told him to come here and read. And of course, he claimed he had done so. It was all a lie... just to, in his mind, keep me at bay. (Ironically, if he HAD read, he would have known what I was up to, and wouldn't have sufferred so many, um, 'surprizes' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

When we entered into our recovery (which turned out to be false, since he is a sex addict), he knew of me being on here... and even communicated via icq with some fellow MBers (men). He knew of my alias, well, that's no secret... I use it all the time, and have for over 5 yrs now. But even while in so-called recovery, my time spent on MB was a huge LB to him. I now know why... b/c it was a threat to his lifestyle... but that's another long drawn out story in itself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

However... we are now going through a divorce. And my anonimity is gone from here. I'm not sure if you read it, but one of his OW's was following me on here. My "safe place" to vent and share has been taken away from me. Actually, I was aware of that, and just knew someone was lurking and following up on me for months, and therefore withheld posting some critical information (and still do). I can't even write about it in private emails, b/c I know my stbxH is a computer hacker, and I beleive that he could be accessing my personal emails as well. Sigh!

Just think long and hard about letting your WS in on your safe place here at MB. I would think that if he really wants to know how you've come about to changing yourself for the better, and wants to do the same for himself... then he'll ask you. Until then, I wouldn't divulge any information - specifically the address to this website. You could still talk to him about EN's and how you want to fulfil his, etc.... but right now, he doesn't need to know how you know about this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

Thanks for your opinions... and I'm getting mixed reviews.. and I know everyone's situation is different- and it really depends on knowing the WS, but I think at this point I want this place all to MYSELF... selfish maybe... but still I dont think he is in the state of mind to use this information for the purpose intended- so at this fragile stage it might backfire...

And honestly part of me wants him to struggle and find out on his own- (is this mean and nasty?) or just a normal reaction to being the BS?....

Wait until H is ready to work on the M.

MB doesn't help a WS who still thinks his A is "OK" .... because his/her situation was "special".

Wait ..... when you see signs tha he is ready to let go of his A .... then offer MB as a good source of support.

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson?.... your situation begs for this book.

Call the MB site counselors. They are your best bet to turn this around.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks PEP...

I've read many of your replies on here- and have learned so much from you... THANKS... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have not heard of that book- but I'm a fanatic about reading everything I can get my hands on and will pick that up...

The MB site counselors are available for phone counseling correct?... Are they available for online counseling or only via phone?...

For now I think I will keep this my "safe" place...

The same day I saw your post asking this question, my WS asked me where I learned about the FOG I have told them that they are under. Having read the responses you received, I reluctantly told them about the website, only hoping that they would actually read the responses people have sent reagarding the signs/symptoms, and actions of the WS while in the fog. I sent them an email with responses from people on the FOG including one response from a former WS. I did change my username and deleted all my posts that same evening.

I will keep you posted as to how he reacts.

Thanks Always-

I have still chosen not to tell at this point... I think at this fragile stage it will backfire... I think I will wait until more of the fog/reality stage- (of course "if" and "when" that happens...)

We are NOT in Plan B yet- but I believe that this will be my next step... (although it SCARES me to DEATH, I hope I have the strength..) I am honestly thinking that reality won't hit until Plan B is implemented...

Until then I continue to work on ME- and to be quite honest... for the first time in years... I LIKE THE PROGRESS... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Please keep me posted Always- and I hope it works for you... You are in my prayers...

When I first found this site and read it cover to cover in one sitting. I started by printing some things for my H (found this site within a few days of dday). One of the things that had the most profound effect on him was a post from I think Trueheart...any old timers remember the post where he as a former WS rights about his wife??? That tore at my FWH's heart strings. For about a week I selectively printed things for him. Then we bought SAA and read it and then he started reading and posting here. At first he did it for wrong reasons...he was trying to use it to get to me (you can read his posts, if you'd like he posted under tellthetruth) but as he was doing that it also helped him, almost as much as me.

Ouch,
I would save it for your Recovery. If he comes back to you and you are in Marital Recovery, then you can share it together. It is not your "job" to save him or put him on his own path to his own recovery. How sad it is that the cake walkers feel so sorry for themselves. Hearing your story just makes me want to scream. Why don't they get it? It is not a bed of roses. I hope his soulmate can wash his dirty underwear and be around him when he farts or throws up and needs nurturing like a child does. UGHHH!! Sorry to vent on your post.

Hang in there and be strong for YOU!

Ouch, I am a bit surprised by the mixed opinions.
If I could get my WW to visit here I wouldn't hesitate. The raw emotion here is very hard to ignore no matter how Fogged in you may be.

I also love your signature about circumstances vs character. Hang in there.

OuchthisHurts,

Hi, I said I would let you know what my WH thought of the email I sent him regarding what the fog theory is.

The day I sent it was one week ago tomorrow, Wed., and when he came to pick up the kids that night, he seemed very very quiet, depressed and maybe a bit agitated. He didn't say anything about it until 2 days after. He said the only thing he is not clear on is if he is or is not in the fog. He had nothing else to say.

I also gave him a copy of Trueheart's letter which togetherforever pasted into the thread called togetherforever come here. It made me even cry. My WH said he would take it with him, but I don't think he has read it. I think he is still so caught up in the pea soup of fog, that he doesn't dare to look at it since it might make him wake up from his fantasy world.

Will let you know any updates.

ABF

Have been thinking about referring my WH here also, but have decided against it for now. Is "SAA" Surviving An Affair? If so, I picked it up last night. My WH is in the Soulmate A. So much harder than just a casual A I think, or maybe not. Who knows. I can't think straight now anyway ...

As a former WW, I agree totally with WAITING. I disagree that Fog or not, the concepts and emotions are strong enough to sink in. NO WAY! Fog just distorts it all and the WS finds new ways to justify their actions. It might plant some seeds...but nothing will get through until the recipient has formed their own doubts as to their situation. I also thinks it's a great idea to have a place to vent and get support, AWAY from the WS's watchful eyes. Kind of hard to put together a useful plan if the WS knows what you're up to.

These are all such good opinions, but still the jury is mixed- and the problem is I can see everyone's point of view.. So therefore I am STILL CONFUSED...lol...

I have done alot of reading and journaling the past week... So that has helped...

Walkingoneggs-
I think I realized after I posted this- that too many circumstances play into whether or not to let your WS in on this site... I think the history on how they deal with life's problems plays a big role... I think the fog is just too thick right now for him to really appreciate Truehearts letter or the information on this site... I think that as Hope4future said- he would just find new ways to justify his actions...
I have hundreds on "one liners" (my signature line) Here is one of my other favorites..."You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be...."

ABF-
HANG IN THERE.... Our stories are all too similar and I know what you are going through...Be strong... This time is about YOU... That is the most valuable lesson I have learned... I was recently able to let go of the fear of the future and the unknown... AND IT IS SO FREEING... ifficult, but the peace is wonderful...

SueBee-
Yes "SSA" Is "Surviving An Affair"... There are many abbreviations that took me months to figure out- and now its like I know a second language- My WS has the "soulmate" A also- dont know whether its harder or not- because I have nothing else to compare it to- But the bottom line is that either is hard. I know its hard to even hold a thought in your head some days... It got to the point where I lived minute to minute.. not day-to-day... But coming here- posting- reading- a TRUE blessing... Just to know that you arent alone, is a big comfort..

H4F-
Your insight is wonderful, thanks... I know I want to be able to speak freely here- away from the watchful eye of my WS, but everything I am learning and reading I just want to share... But that goes back to letting go of HIS problem, and knowing its not my "job" to try and FIX it... For now its about ME, ME, ME... feels so good to say it...LOL...

Thanks all for your opinions- although varied it has helped greatly...