Tell your story here ..... help will arrive.

good luck!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi Pepperband,

So, you think I need my own thread? LOL...You are right..I do need help. I am so afraid to post on these boards due to the hurt that so many people have had because of this very thing that I am doing. However, since you asked..here goes..I met OM about a year ago when he came in to my work to install phone lines. There was an immediate attraction and we got along very well. After that, we only saw each other approximatly every month or so. Our meetings were always friendly and to tell you the truth...I never thought much of it. We talked about my kids and my husband.

After time went on we realized how much we had in common and we exchanged email addresses. Well..that was the kiss of death. We started emailing each other daily and IM'ing each other nightly until we finally talked about getting together and hanging out. We got together about four or five times before anything happened. That was about three months ago. Since then, we have become best friends and are also having an A. He is afraid of ruining my life and never ever pressures me to be with him. I really feel like this is truly my fault. I am the one married..not him. He did say to me once.."do you love me?"..and I replied "very much so", then he said.."then, divorce your husband." I really don't think he meant it...but, those words were powerful.

I think at this point..as much as I am in love with him..it is also an addiction. Whenever I try to stop talking to or see him I get so depressed that I just want to sleep and cry. My husband is so trusting and always has been. However, he is starting to suspect things. I want to tell him so badly and start to rebuild my life again. He has told me before that he could never forgive cheating and that as much as he loves me..it would be over. We have three children and I cannot imagine what this would do to them.

I feel that I cannot stop seeing the OM and sometimes wonder if maybe I am supposed to be with him. Why the hell else did this thing happen? For the record...until this A...I thought I had as close to a "perfect marriage" as you can get. I feel like if it can happen to me...nobody is safe. Any help would be appreciated. I want to get back to my life again.

Thanks

<small>[ September 01, 2003, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: chak ]</small>

Chak,
Welcome to MB. It's so fortunate that you found this place now, and not any later.

Chak, I'll be blunt here. Reading your thread put my stomach in knots as I've been in your shoes. I was the WS too. There are many more of us WS people here, and all of the other folks here are helpful to us. They can learn from us, and more importantly we can learn a lot from everyone else here.

I would suggest you begin by reading the principles of MB thoroughly. Go to the bookstore and buy Surviving An Affair. Skip to the part where it talks about how to end the affair, and then follow that advice right away. You need to end it.

I could write pages upon pages about my four year long affair. (3 year long distance/infrequent meetings/IM internet, one year local) It started much like yours did, and I had those same feelings of 'I can't live without this new person.', etc. That wouldn't help you though, but I must assure you in telling you that feeling that way is normal in an affair, but it DOESN't mean you are meant to be with this new man.

Right now you can't see it, truly I know it. I've been there. This man is nothing but the embodiment of evil. He's taking you away from your family, and your husband-- for his own selfish needs/desires. It probably makes him feel powerful that he's done that. Please try and look at this logically. A 'best friend' doesn't do that to another human being. (destroy a marriage,ask them to lie, etc.)

You say you're in love with him. I'm saying that you're probably addicted to the feelings of being around him. The jolt of adrenaline, the escape from reality--the rush of a new admirer who worships you and doesn't come with the daily grind/dose of responsibility.

He talks of divorce, this OM. That was our plan, too. Guess what? I'm divorced, but before it was final--I ended the A. By then I could clearly see what a nightmare I'd made, and what a huge mistake the whole thing was. My kids, by the way, met exOM after I'd been separated a year. They disliked him, and I saw too how awful a mistake I'd made, again. He truly wasn't a nice man.

Nice men don't fool around with other men's wives.
He's still married, as far as I know. He's had other affairs, too. I learned that AFTER we'd been involved for a while.

Please, again, look at this logically.

You will go through a withdrawal, and feel sad/depressed about leaving OM.It's part of the process. You'll see that from partaking here, and in Harley's books. (I didn't go through withdrawal too much as by that point I saw how awful the affair was, and there wasn't much to withdraw from. Being around OM was making me ill the last few months.)

You said about your hubby,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has told me before that he could never forgive cheating and that as much as he loves me..it would be over. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, even with him telling you those words, you did cheat. You need to 'come clean', and tell him...and share the no contact letter with him--and do it right away.

BTW, my exH couldn't forgive my cheating. The funny part is, he was always forgiving of people who cheated (in the media, politicians, friends, etc) so you never know how your husband really feels until he's faced with it. He may surprise you, and forgive you right away. He may in time. HE may not at all. If he doesn't, you have to accept it and face the consequences. That's the way it is.

You said,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel that I cannot stop seeing the OM and sometimes wonder if maybe I am supposed to be with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know you aren't supposed to be with him. You're human, and you've fallen. You're SUPPOSED to be with the man with whom you took vows, and you know it!

You then said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Why the hell else did this thing happen? For the record...until this A...I thought I had as close to a "perfect marriage" as you can get. I feel like if it can happen to me...nobody is safe. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is incredibly true, and was for me too. I was the goody two shoes girl who taught Sunday School. People commented on how my exH and I beamed as we were together. It can happen to anyone, that's true. A marriage needs to be protected and cared for, like a plant--and then some.

Chak, you and I both know when we crossed the lines with our affair partners. For me, it was when I started talking to him via IM. You know when it was wrong for you too.

We didn't listen then to the voice of reason. We didn't do what we knew was right. We wanted to be selfish, and have our fun/excitement. We chose the wrong path. But girl, it's not too late. You've already seen the wrong in all this, and you're wanting to stop it. Be glad you're here now, and not in three years. You have a good chance on coming through this just fine, but there will be some rough times ahead. And in the end, you and I know that it wasn't 'fun', or 'exciting' to have an affair, was it?

I hope I've helped you somehow. Please do the right thing. End your affair, come clean to your husband, and repair your marriage. It can be better than ever, in time.

God bless,
Hopeful_Person

Divorced due to my affair, still waiting for a restoration of marriage. Never thought I'd have an affair, ever!
Married 21 years, three kids
One year post-divorce: progress is slowly happening.

chak:

I hope I can help in some small way.

My W and I have been married now for almost 28 years. About 13 years ago, she started an affair with a coworker and classmate in grad school. I never found out, and the affair "ran it's course" in about 4 or 5 years. He was married and had kids of his own. We have 2 kids of our own.

About 3 years ago, the affair started up again, but this time her "friend" lived in another state, so they were only 2gether a 2ple of times in about a year and a half, when I found their emails.

I found out in January of 2002, so it's been over a year and a half since "d-day." I can tell you a 2ple of things that you need 2 know right up front: 1: You need 2 tell your husband as soon as possible. If you are afraid he might react badly, meaning violently or with thoughts of suicide, then go 2 a good marriage counselor 2gether and tell him in the presence of the counselor. If you are worried that he might choose 2 end your marriage, then keep coming here and get in2 counseling, but realize that he has that choice. Keeping him from knowing about the affair is robbing him of that choice.

My wife thought that she would eventually tell me about her affair, but the simple fact is that she didn't after it ended the first time, so she and I couldn't work 2gether on our marriage and prevent the 2nd affair. 2: You need 2 learn all you can from this website and from the books referred 2 by people on this forum about affairs - how they happen, what they "mean", and what can be done 2 rebuild your flawed marriage and prevent another affair.

Recovering your marriage after this affair will take time and hard work, but you have no choice but 2 do the hard work. This is true whether you stay married or get a divorce and try 2 make a life with your OM (other man).

Now, think about this: I know that you've said your OM isn't pressuring you, but what do you think the comment about divorcing your husband was about, if it wasn't pressure? Would you want 2 spend the rest of your life with someone you know is a liar and a cheat? Consider just what kind of man this is that would cheat with you and have you live a lie behind your family's back. Also realize that marriages born of affairs have less than a 5 percent chance of lasting beyond 5 years. Do you think this relationship will somehow defy the odds?

If you wish, tell your OM that I said this: "OM, if you really care about chak's well-being, if you have any hope of regaining any of your broken integrity at all, then the most loving act you could show her would be 2 get out of her life for the rest of your life." Chak, I'm not being mean here. It's been a long time since d-day for me, and though my W and OM still are in sporadic contact, they both claim not 2 ever want another relationship like their affair ever again. Their affair broke up his family already, and it very nearly broke ours apart as well. So, I'm not feeling the hurt anywhere near as much as I did a year or so ago. I would say that 2 your OM for his own good as well as yours. Please feel free 2 relay my message 2 him.

I wish you and your family all the best in the hard months ahead. They will be difficult, but they can be rewarding if you choose 2 do the right thing and restore your own integrity and rebuild your marriage. It's true what they say here, that marriage after recovery can be so much better than it ever was before. I can't say I'm "there" yet, but I can already see that this is true for my wife and myself.

all my best,
-2long

Chak

Telling your story is a pretty big step!

Good for you.

Here's my suggestion:

Make two lists.... use your thread to write down your lists ....

1. Positive things about my A and the OM.

2. Negative things about my A and the OM.

Put it all out there. Being scared to face reality keeps you locked up in your self-made trap.

This comment of yours : " I can not imagine what this would do to them." .... "them" being your family. Sweetie .... it's no longer a "what would it do if" type of deal ..... it IS doing something to "them". The central woman / wife / mother in their lives is divided and sick within herself.

You already are doing "it" to them.

You don't stop because you think about "what if" .... as if you were thinking about starting an affair rather than ending an affair.

This is you trying to think through "the famous WS fog" ..... do you see that?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Chak -

Pleeeeeeeeease oh pleese oh please oh please!!!Get out of it NOW.

Something you need to understand is that you will never be READY to let this thing go. So don't fool yourself into thinking that way. Dont' go on the premise that he will end it so you don't have to. Just get out of it. And no... It isn't THAT easy. It's just what you have to do.

Whether you believe in 'The Fog' is irrelevant. Believe in your deep gut reaction to what you're doing to yourself. Your integrity... How you feel about yourself will deeply effect how you deal with those around you.

And believe me. I'm still struggling as my own 'FOG' dissapates. If you look up the road a ways... you'll see my tail lights. This is a painful road... I won't try to fool you. The sooner you commit to ending it the closer the road to healing.

-TMD

And I'm ready to heal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm tired. How 'bout you?

-TMD

TMD

One of my MB girlfriends is Susan. She is an awesome woman ... a woman who got caught up in more than one affair. I love Susan to pieces. One of the things Susan has taught me is how weird it is for a married woman to be in an affair. How really "schizo" it feels while living a double life.

Devoted ~wife~ and ~mother~ and ~church goer~ ..... on one hand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

and on the other hand ....

~adultress~ and ~liar~ and ~hypocrite~ <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Susan has shared how this division gets wider with time spent in a double life .... and how far away from "herself" she felt .... the longer she waited.

I cannot speak from personal experience ... but I sure as hell can listen to Susan ... a survivor of this torture .... and I respect her story so much .....

I really believe this sinful path might lead to insanity ... a crazy world where the "real you' no longer exists.

STOP doing this to your beautiful soul.

God bless TMD and Chak .... don't lose yourselves.

Pep

It's all true. Every word of it.

My mantra back then became: I have to get my life back!

I could not live another day like I was. Living the lie I was living, it was all I could do to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

Pepper's right. It is torture that leads to insanity.

My first goal was 30 days of no contact. Then 30 more days. Followed by 30 more days. It eventually got easier until one day I realized "wow, I haven't even thought about it in the last few minutes!"

If I lived through it, YOU can too! I'm cheering for you and here to help anyway I can.

Susan

WOW! I don't know where to begin...you all have been so wonderful and helpful to me I cannot even tell you. TMD...I am tired...sooo tired! Susan..I do feel like I am leading a double life and I cant stand it anymore. I used to be so active in my circle of friends and cared so much about my house and decorating, gardening, ect..ect... I now have no interest in any of that at all. It is so strange that I could completely forget all that made me happy in just a few short months.

I am sick of lying,cheating and not being the person that I used to be to my friends and family. Everyone notices a change in me. The OM called me twice already today and I did not have the courage to ask him to stop. I think I need to draft a NC letter..and soon! I have actually contemplated leaving my H for him and that terrifies me. This is truly an addiction to feeling good...and maybe, I am not in love. I hope I am not. Only time will tell. I have completely shut my H and my family out of my life and given all of myself to this OM. My goal this week is to stop all contact with him. He says that we can still be friends when I suggest breaking it off. He says that he was just looking for a friend when this initially started and that our A just happened. I really believe him about that. I don't believe that we can be "just friends". How is that possible?

To hopeful person: You are right and this is an escape. And you are right in that when I am with OM..it doesn't come with the daily grind and rush of responsibility. My life is crazy with three active children as Im sure I am not alone in that. When I am with OM...we are all alone listening to music..dancing...drinking and laughing..and best of all...TALKING! I know that it is an escape and I have to keep remembering that. Thanks for all your words of wisdom.

Pepperband, Thanks for starting me this thread..guess you were right and I did need one. I will do what you suggest later on when I get home from work. 2long...thanks for sharing your story with me...I know you said I have to tell my H...that is something that I know if I do..it is over..with out a doubt. Do I really want to throw away my marriage for a 3 month affair? Is there any other way? I am dying to get this off my chest..not to hurt him...but, to heal. I am really ready to start living my life again. Thanks again to everyone who posted...you have no idea how you all helped. If I missed anybody...I am sorry...be sure..you all helped. More later...

Hi Susan,

I forgot one thing...

your quote "I have to get my life back!"

That quote is what I feel and say every day!
And, it is all that I can do some days to get out of bed and start my day.

ME age 33
H age 33
OM age 33
Married 13 years
Together 15
A going on for 3 months
Children 3..ages, 12,11 & 8

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: chak ]</small>

My husband learned to meet my need for "TALKING".

I never would have believed it, but it did happen. He CHANGED and he changed into what I really needed!

And now that we are able to talk and communicate and have fun, it is far more enjoyable than talking to or being with someone I have to sneak around to be with.

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Susan:
<strong>
My first goal was 30 days of no contact. Then 30 more days. Followed by 30 more days. It eventually got easier until one day I realized "wow, I haven't even thought about it in the last few minutes!"

Susan</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My turn to HiJack -

Susan,

How long has it been... and does any of the 'fog' still linger when thoughts come back around?

-TMD

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: -TMD ]</small>

It has been a little over 3 years now since the last contact (which was when I quit my job.)

I'm happy to report all FOG has cleared. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Susan

chak:

This will sound harsh, but:

"2long...thanks for sharing your story with me...I know you said I have to tell my H...that is something that I know if I do..it is over..with out a doubt."

You might be pleasantly surprised. I know I surprised my W when I said "no" when she asked me if she should go stay in a motel for the weekend after I found out. Why? Because I knew that I played a part in our marriage becoming "mediocre", and I needed 2 figure out how 2 fix that. Your H isn't an "innocent" in this either, whether you think your M was ideal or not. He may surprise you. But even if he does what you expect, it is his right, and he deserves the chance 2 choose for himself.

"Do I really want to throw away my marriage for a 3 month affair? Is there any other way?"

There is no other way. You already did throw your M away, remember? Sure, you've not left yet, but you gave up your M as it stood the minute you crossed the line with this OM.

"I am dying to get this off my chest..not to hurt him...but, to heal. "

You already have hurt him, he just doesn't understand how yet. I was being "hurt" for more than 12 years and didn't understand it. Our M was "okay" at best all those years, even when my W wasn't in her A in the middle of them. I was robbed of the chance 2 do anything useful about our M at the time, and it's been very difficult 2 overcome that resentment. Don't do this 2 your family. Honesty isn't only the best policy, there's simply no alternative that includes sanity.

Please take care,
-2long

Okay Pepperband...Thanks for the Questions

Positive things about the OM:

1. Makes me feel so good
2. (I know everyone will hate this) Great kisser
3. great conversationalist
4. soooo good looking
5. so much in common
6. overwhelming physical attraction
7. plays the guitar
8. has full custody of his daughter and is doing a great job.
9. I am in love with him

Positive things about the Affair:

1. Well....I guess none!
Everything that I can think of is selfish

Negative things about OM:

1. Plays video games way too much..lol..but, true
2. his mother owns his house
3. struggling financially
4. doesn't seem to be very motivated (however, he does have a full time job that he has been at for 5 years) He just makes awful money and hates it.

Negative things about my Affair:

1. I am a lier
2. I am a cheater
3. I have lost the person I was almost entirely
4. I am sick to my stomach
5. Depressed for the first time in my life
6. No matter what I do....I have to live with what I've done for the rest of my life!
7. I can't seem to stop

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: chak ]</small>

To Pepperband

your quote "The central woman/wife/mother is divided and sick within herself"

Nothing could be more true...those words really hit home when you said that I was already "doing" it to them.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: chak ]</small>

I have to change my name to meandgctbe...I never thought that chak would show up on the forum. sorry about this...meandgctbe is chak.
thanks

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: meandgctbe ]</small>

Keep going ..... Miss Meand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's another exercise!

What would you say to your child if he / she found out about your affair?

(This is really really difficult .... but like I said, I think your sanity depends upon you making healthier choices .... and you are unable to move unless someone (me?) pushes you a little. You've got to give yourself uncomfortable consequences .... which will motivate you to end your insanity.)

So ... looking at the reality .... and not the fantasy is giving yourself consequences.

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

PS .... go see your physician.

Tell him / her that you are depressed ... and ask for anti-depressants. It really helps you think more clearly after you've been on anti-d's for about 4 weeks.

It will make withdrawl easier .... once you're able to make that decision.

Please do this. Your kids can tell when Mommie is sad .... but they may think it's their behavior that is making you sad. Your H notices your changes as well.

This is not just me talking, but almost every book I've read about affairs recommends getting on anti-d's for a minimum 6 months to a year.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />