Hi, meand. I'm another woman who was in your shoes, not so very long ago. I was also enveloped in a fog thicker than an 80's rock video.

It's been a year since D-Day, and my vision is so much clearer now! If you'll read my D-Day post on the "in recovery" forum, you'll see that my uppermost feeling now is thanfkulfness that I am free from the bondage of my addiction to the OM!

I can so agree with Susan about the schizophrenia of being a Goody Two Shoes on the one hand, and a liar and cheater on the other. It is not a fun place to be.

Also, dittoes on what hopeful said: Nice guys do not mess around with other men's wives. It shows a basic lack of character and integrity.

This thought plagued me even during the height of my EA: "If and when the OM and I do get together, how will I trust him not to do with someone else what he did with me?"

Whew! I think it (lack of trust based on our own A) would have been a HUGE problem!

Meand, your H may be severely lacking in his husbandly and relationship skills right now...but he can change as well. The changes in my own H since D-Day have been astounding. It's amazing how a marriage can change for the better when two people are committed to actively changing it!

Hon, listen. I know exactly how you're feeling. I've been there...and now I'm far enough down the road to tell you with confidence that there is hope for you.

Prayer thoughts going your way. E-mail me if you need to:

wordsmith4ever@netscape.net

Hi Pepperband,

I have thought about what I would tell my children and honestly...I just cant imagine. My daughter whom is 12 years old, would probably be in therapy for years..she would just be devestated and humiliated if anyone ever found out. As far as the anti-depresent goes...I have confided in a girlfriend about my A and she seems to think that the only way for me to get through my withdrawel is by getting on medication.

Here is the problem with that..and I am embaressed to admit it but,here goes.... I actually cannot swallow pills! That is correct..I have never taken a pill in my life..even vitamins...I chew kids flinstones. I know...its crazy! So, with that said..I am at a loss. I am having a really bad night tonight..been crying for a while..feel sick to my stomach. I forgot to mention that since my A started I have lost 25lbs. Im serious! I think I am almost ready to write the no contact letter to OM. I really believe that he will totally respect my wishes.

Thanks again for everyones help and I will keep you informed.

Sorry excuse if I ever heard one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tell your Doc about your dilemma(s) and that you 'll need an anti-D pill that is OK to be crushed. Then, you can crush it and put it into a spoonful of applesauce and just swallow the applesauce.

I really know that you would be better off with the anti-Ds.

Pkeeeeeze take this part of my little old advice ..... pleeeeeeeeeeeeze!

Pep (the nurse in me can't shaddup sometimes)

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Dear Meand,

I have read your posts and it seems we have much in common...I too have been involved with a coworker...started out friendly-talking about work, church, spouses,kids, etc. We too had much in common and began not only communicating at work but in e-mail as well. Things were innocent for the first year...but last year...it took a turn...have done the whole cybersex thing and even exchanged graphic pictures (sound sick, but true)--but there has been no physical contact although it has been implied. We have tried to stop many times...but have not had much luck. My spouse knows nothing about it...it would end everything we have...he, like your husband-has no tolerance for cheating and I do believe it would be over...and trust me, I am married to a great husband and we have two beautiful children. Why I got in this mess--who knows? I believe I love the attention from OM...it is an addiction...there is a rush I get when I see e-mail from him...it is sickening...but I'm being honest.

I want to do the right thing and end it...I have started to change my behavior towards him...(remember we work together--closely)...he notices...I believe he wants to stop too...but is addicted as well. My situation is slightly different from yours because OM is married and has a stepdaughter.

You are right...nobody is safe...my life looks pretty perfect from the outside--great careers for both my husband and I, great friends, we have money, great kids--built our dream house together---it is perfect from the outside--so why in the heck am I screwing things up--who knows?

But...enough about me..I wanted to see if I could help with the antidepressants...I realized I was depressed last year as a result of the guilt and mess I was in...I too had withdrawn from hobbies, family, etc.--I so wanted my old self back. The medication helped for awhile...it makes you feel somewhat numb to the emotions of everything--which is good at first--but I still continued the affair(it doesn't solve that)...the feelings don't go away--you just avoid the extremes of highs and lows. Problem--I had trouble sleeping...so when i couldn't sleep--I'd be up and online with OM...not goooood at all!!! I have stopped taking the medication for about a month now..although still struggling...I'm doing alright...I have my moments---but don't feel the depression I felt when I went on the meds last year.

Don't know if this helps or not...if you have other questions...I'll be on MB all evening...because I'm expecting an e-mail from OM and want to avoid it so I'll be looking for support here.

Hang in there...I'm new to this site and it's the first I've ever confessed a problem...so I don't know how much I have to offer...but I will encourage all I can...

You know the right things to do...and it sounds like you are getting strong enough to do it.

Struggling to do right..

Thanks for your post. Welcome to MB. Maybe we can both find the help we need here before it is too late. I too have a wonderful husband..not perfect..but pretty darn close. I cried last night to him and could not tell him why. I actually went to bed at 9:00 just to avoid my addiction to talking to the OM every night online and then sometimes on the phone if my H goes to bed early.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to not go any further than what you already have. My A started the same way, with lots of emails and daily Im contact. I do not work with the OM on a daily basis. Thank God! Only about once a month. However, he is not married and that enables me to spend as much time as I can at his place. I have not seen him yet this week and feel like I'm losing it. However, I am proud of myself for not. I know what you mean about the "rush" you get when you have an email from him...I get the same thing..sooo embaressing to admit this, but, I do.

I hate that I feel like a stupid teenager. And I love that I feel that way..it's so strange. As I was saying..please don't let you A get to a Phyisical stage. I have done that and it only makes things 10x worse. Mine is truly a full blown A and let me tell you..and I have told the OM this...I wish so badly that I had never met him. My whole life has changed because of this. I want my old life back. I spent six months doing my kitchen over..soup to nuts. Decorating...lol..used to excite me. Anyway..just about the time that it was finished..this whole thing started. Do you know...I could care less about this stuff anymore. I have friends who ask me "When can I come see your kitchen?"...WHO CARES!....Well..I used too...I know it is foolish...but, it is just an example of how I have changed.

I used to be a clean freak and love to go out with friends (couples), I don't have any desire any more. I make up excuses for everything. Don't let this happen to you. It is truly awful. I want desperatly to stop my A and get back to my life. I will say one thing...as much as the Physical aspect of my A makes it harder. The emotional aspect is far worse. so, good luck and please keep in touch. Maybe we can help each other.

Hi Pepperband,

Thanks for the advice..If only I had a dime for everyone that told me to crush a pill and put it in applesauce....LOL....I hear what you are saying and I may have no choice. Well..I will keep you posted.

Please read thread;

"co-worker--online---need help before it's too late"

I posted on that thread as a BS. WW is living with OM and has torn our family apart. I am one of those guys who thought that it could never happen to me and if it did, I'd tell W goodbye. I want my W back so bad and wish it never got this far. I didn't think I'd want my W back, but I know I love her and will do everything in my power to get our marriage back... Your H may be the same way or he may want a divorce. Its his choice, but he has to know if you want to have a chance at your marriage...

meand:

"I cried last night to him and could not tell him why. "

My W did this for YEARS. Eleven, ac2ally. DON'T DO THIS 2 HIM OR YOUR KIDS OR YOURSELF OR EVEN YOUR OM ANY MORE, DAMMIT!!!

You will wind up more miserable than you can imagine, for longer than you can imagine, if you don't end this A NOW and tell your H about it NOW.

Don't wait for him 2 find out like I had 2 - by finding sexually explicit emails between them by accident at a time when our M was better than it had been for years. All that went down the toilet for almost a year and a half. We're just now finally really starting 2 talk about our experiences and feelings without lovebusting each other, and I think we're going 2 make it now. But it would have been so much easier, better, and emotionally healthier if we'd done this 12 years ago!!!

Did you tell your OM what I suggested you tell him? I told my W that this morning, when she told me for the 2nd time that "RM is more considerate of your feelings than you give him credit for" - pitch me with a fork! There's only one right thing 2 do here. End this now and tell all now.

Like Michelle Weiner-Davis says in her Divorce Rememdy book, don't believe that you cand ween yourself from the affair gradually. The only way 2 end it is 2 cut off all contact with your OM COLD TURKEY.

I know this sounds harsh and I know you are excited by the sneaking around, lying, hiding in back seats of cars and all, but the longer you let this continue the more miserable you and your loved ones will be in the end.

Do what you KNOW is right,
-2long

2 long,

I have not seen the OM this week. Which for me is not the norm. It has been very difficult. I have also not spoke to him nearly as much as ususal through emails and instant messeges. I did however speak to him on the phone at least once every day this week. I am realizing now that I am gonna go through an enormous amount of pain if I stop all contact with him. I think in some sick way I am prolonging that agony by still having some contact with him.

I know you are right...cold turkey is the only way! At this rate all I am doing is getting deeper involved in my A and prolonging the inevidable. The OM by the way....I have never mentioned this before, but, was married for six years when his ex-wife revealed that she was having an A with his best friend. It is kind of strange that when we first got to know each other...that is one of the things that we talked about and how could she do that. And, now...here we are. I have often asked him...How am I different than your ex-wife? And he responds...you just are and she did not want to be a mother anymore and you love your children. I dont know why I mentioned this...Just thought I should.

I am going to work on a NC letter and try to get it to him this week. I will be totally honest with everyone trying to help me with this if I do not send it. As far as my H goes....Im sorry but...there is no way he will forgive me and I can't do that to my family. Somebody out there must agree with me. I want to tell him...so we can heal..but, that will mean the end..Im sure of it. Thanks Again...

I'm kinda new here myself, but your situation sounds so much like mine it's scary!

My A didn't come out until almost 10 years after it ended and I wish I had fessed up during. Mine also ended in divorce. Been divorced a year and a half and I am still miserable. My husband also told me he would never forgive cheating...and he proved it. But I honestly feel that if I had admitted it then we would be together today.

I agree with H_P, don't believe a word OM tells you...he is evil!

Good luck and God bless.
sad*ex

I can completely understand how you feel.I am in the same situation. I have written two NC letters today to OM--but have not sent. NC is almost impossible as well because of the work situation. Yes...cold turkey is the only way...but how is that possible if you work together and can't leave your job?

I wish I could tell my H--but, just like you, I believe it will be over if I do. I completely understand how you feel.

I wish I had advice..but I don't. I'm just responding to you to let you know that I feel the same way.

We both need to work on the NC letter and pray for the strength to follow through with it.

I'll keep checking in to see how you're doing. Hang in there...

meand and struggling:

Nobody says this is easy, but it is definitely simple. Simply stated, your OMs are liars and cheats. And so are you as long as you participate in the deceit. I'm not trying 2 be mean at all. I just know how hard it's been and how long it's taken for my W 2 come out of her fog. Her OM's marriage is breaking up, and she still can't see the influence SHE had on that happening - she ac2ally believes that Mrs Meat (Rat Meat's stbxw) is some kind of monster. But who wouldn't seem like one after finding out that her own 15 year marriage was subjected 2 a 12-year affair??

What you say about your OM divorcing because of his x-W's affair tells me a LOT about his character. How can he have an affair with you after having lived through that? Easy answer is that he has no integrity, probably never did. And he likes you because you love YOUR children??? If he loved you he'd leave you the hell alone!!

I wish you all the best. I really do. This isn't easy, and it isn't going 2 ever get easier.

-2long

Struggling...

I wish you all the best in your NC attempt with the OM. I have no idea how you can work with him. I would die. I just see mine at work once a month and I am so scared for that once I send the letter. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not had physical contact with your OM. I believe that if I had never done that, maybe just maybe..this would be a bit easier. Although, the emotional part of this is perhaps even harder, it just adds to the addiction. Well, thanks for your support and please keep me posted. As I am typing....OM just signed on to IM. I instantly have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I need to stop this before it drives me insane.

<small>[ September 06, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: meandgctbe ]</small>

meand:

Why are you on IM? Frankly, that's how a lot of As start, and if it was part of yours, it ought 2 be one of the first "habits" that you should kick.

About working with OMs: Quit. Simple, but not easy. My W supervised RM, he was a subcontractor for her projects. She ended up quitting that job ostensibly for other reasons, but it also removed the need for any contact in the process.

2 many people prioritize their careers ahead of their relationships with their families. I don't get that. I have a great job. A fun job. But if I had 2, I'd leave it in a New York minute if my family was at stake.

-2long

2long,

I appreciate your responses and understand what you are saying about working with OM. However, it is not that easy just to quit--at least in my instance. First, keep in mind, I have not shared this A with my spouse. So, up and quitting would be very strange and misunderstood. Also, I have wanted to work in this position (strange because it is a leadership position) at this location for sometime because of the proximity to home, invlovement in my community and involvement in my children's school. So, quitting takes me out of many of those things...letting down my children, community, family etc. Quitting my job doesn't just solve not seeing OM---it creates many other issues...Does that make any sense? OM works another job on the side and has talked (long before involvement w/me) about wanting to build that business and leave this job to do the other one full time. I just keep holding on to that perhaps that will happen sooner than later. These may sound like excuses...maybe they are...but right now...quitting is not as simple as you think it might be.

Meandt,
I feel for you and know the pit in your stomach when seeing the IM. It is one of a rush because it's him and one of "no no-go away-I don't want to live this double life anymore. I do have to agree with 2long---maybe you do need to get rid of this--is that possible or would that send clues to others about what is happening? For me, I can't even get rid of the e-mail account because it is all through work.

So, did you answer? What did he have to say and how did you handle it?

My OM was online last night as well...and it started out with stupid small talk and then all of the sudden he disappeared...which was for the better...but at the time made me mad---well, I sent an e-mail after about an hour saying that I was sorry --just was a weak moment--was seeking help and support (through MB but didn't tell him that) that I realized I am addicted to the thrill of the kill and the kill isn't even fun anymore. (what I meant was that since we have tried to stop---it has become like a bad habit to see if he is still interested and will participate)...but like I said in the e-mail---that gets to a point of no fun...because we've said all that can be said sexually--nothing new. But anyhow, I said all this--sent the e-mail and went to bed. Well, this morning there was a response about a half hour after that...I realized that he was probably with his W and had to log off when I thought he disappeared and he logged back on after she went to bed. In his e-mail he questioned many of my comments--almost like he's worried yet at the same time clueless as to what I'm talking about when I referenced those things. That ticked me off...I did respond with explanations and then retracted it (which can be done in this set up). I followed that with simply "forget it--weakened state now--gotta go". Well, he did read it and trashed it without a response. (I can track this through our e-mail system.) Again, that made me mad---I wonder if that means he could care less-which is possible__--or if this is his attempt to one up me and make me come running back to explain--which I have done before. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT THIS TIME.........

I am trying to avoid my work e-mail at night--but that is hard to do sometimes--it's the addiction of seeing if he's there....yuck-I hate that.

However, here's the good thing (even though I know some of you out there will bash me for all i just described)--the good thing is that I do feel stronger than I've ever felt---not strong enough--but I feel as if I'm getting closer to telling him-----ya know, right now my biggest fear is that he'll act like I'm nuts and will seem clueless with a comment like "stop what"--or he will agree and ignore. Now I know that I need to get over that--I'm not worried about how he will feel--just how he will make me feel. I know that's selfish and it shouldn't matter. But that's where I am right now...which, trust me is a step in the right direction.

OK--I've taken enough away from you, meand--after all this is your thread...I am taking this same response and posting a new thread of my own...I will continue to check back here on you because we have so much in common and maybe can work through our issues together. Please check my new thread as well.

Blessings to you.

P.S. Sorry to ramble and be all over the place...but just "getting it all out".

"It is not that easy just to quit"

We're not advising something because it is that easy ... We're only advising something because it is "ethically correct" and also that "it works".

If it were "easy" you'd not be in so much trouble!

Be careful ..... "easy" is just that ... easy.

What is noble?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 06, 2003, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

strug:

"First, keep in mind, I have not shared this A with my spouse."

You need 2 do this.

"So, up and quitting would be very strange and misunderstood."

Yes it would, because you aren't being honest with those around you. They don't know what's going on in your life. Your H and your family deserve the whole truth.

"Also, I have wanted to work in this position (strange because it is a leadership position) at this location for sometime because of the proximity to home, invlovement in my community and involvement in my children's school."

These are good things. How about the OM? Can he quit? How about telling your H so he can HELP you work out an equitable arrangement if the job is so important 2 you? I know I tried 2 do that for my W. In the end, the decision 2 quit was up 2 her, and it was healthy for her emotionally, if not financially. I honestly don't think we'd have been able 2 work it out if she hadn't quit, though.

"So, quitting takes me out of many of those things...letting down my children, community, family etc."

Think about what you just said. This "letting down your family" by quitting will be far, far less painful for them than continuing what you're doing now with the OM.

"Quitting my job doesn't just solve not seeing OM---it creates many other issues...Does that make any sense?"

In a rationalized way, yes.

"OM works another job on the side and has talked (long before involvement w/me) about wanting to build that business and leave this job to do the other one full time. I just keep holding on to that perhaps that will happen sooner than later."

I hope he makes that choice 2, and soon.

"These may sound like excuses...maybe they are...but right now...quitting is not as simple as you think it might be."

Ask Just Learning 2 tell you the story about "simple" and "easy". And yes, quitting is very simple, it just might not be easy at all.

Please get in2 counseling and tell your H about your A.
-2long

meandt,

where r u? I want to know how things are going for u...been thinking about you and your situation.

Struggling..DIR??/Im guessing..the same person?

I really would like to join ladies chat. Can you send me the info on how to get in to it and let me know when you will be in the chat. I am not doing well at all and could really use the support. Thanks

All the usual (and appropriate) things have been said, I will just ditto them, but there are 2 other issues which may help you bring order to your life.

1. Your emotional conflict is over a feeling that this om somehow fits you better as a life partner, and you do not want to give this up...that may or may not be true, but what is true is that it is impossible to resolve this issue while in an affair. So whether this relationship could work, or as folks say is wrong no matter what, the path is identical....you end the affair. Do you understand? Even if this is meant to be, it cannot be consummated this way, you have to end it, let him go, and deal with the reality first.... in so doing, the truth about you, your marriage, and the om will be revealed. If your life unfolds such that you can consider a new relationship in the future, that is the time and place to do so. You cannot trade one relationship for another, that does not work, you cannot divorce your H for om.... that is why affair birthed marriages fail.

You have to end the affair, properly resolve your marital issues, then if you end up single you can properly pursue other relationships.....if perchance that was the om, then it would work or not on it's own merits. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by ending the affair, that is your motivation, you don't do it for your H, you don't do it because the om is evil (he may or may not be), you do it for YOU. You regain your self-worth...all that deception, while understandable when one first finds themself in the confusing world of an extramarital relationship, should be short-lived, as you come to your senses and understand it is no way to live....likewise you can now face the certainty that something is seriously awry with your marriage, otherwise you would have had no desire to wander, and you can deal with that as well....in addition you can correct the wrong you have done to your H, making proper amends, and practiving radical honesty here on out....these are all good things...and good reasons to end the affair.

2. Your list of things about your marriage included nothing about your H. It is common for people to marry (and view staying married) as a duty, I am not going to debate marriage philosophy....but I am going to say you need to take a hard look at how you really feel about your H, and this marriage, and whether it is what you want for the rest of your life....the safe, healthy, nurturing place it should be...if you just do it cause you are expected to, or your spouse is a "nice" guy and good dad, then you do yourself and H a diservice, and risk additional marital dysfunction down the road...now is the time to study up on the principle of radical honesty and incorporate it into your marital dialog. I suspect there are things you don't really know about yourself, and your H doesn't know about you as well, and vice versa.... but you won't get anywhere at all until you tell him the truth about the affair, it is his right to decide whether to remain married to you, just as you took the right to enter a relationship with OM...your marriage is over, it ended when you entered a relationship with the om. For it to restart, you must let your H say he will stay and work with you, that is the only road to recovery...