My H and I have been having discussions about his A and the guilt and fear that he feels about it. He is in counselling so hopefully he will get the help he needs but now I am curious...Last evening we spoke about where he is at emotionally and one thing he said to me is that it is not all guilt, that it is the fact that it was so easy to do, to do the one thing he never thought he could do. He doesn't see the circumstances around it that helped it to happen, he only sees that it did and he is to blame-solely. This is how I see it, there were 3 people, me, him and the OP. We had problems before he got this promotion to go away for 6 months and were just starting to work on them. When he went away he experienced being on his own for the first time in his life with a group of young guys and 1 girl. Her and him did "bond" immediately because they were the only 2 french speaking people, her being extremely french and requiring a lot of help from him. Our M suffered because of extra stress, buying and selling our homes, my frustration and a little resentment, I feel that I showed a lot of anger towards him especially in the last 3 months. About 4-5 months into it, their friendship blossomed to flirting and beyond, but also he didn't have the opportunity or the knowledge to separate himself from it, and truly thought he loved her. He said last night-at the time the feelings felt so strong. They did end up sleeping together and professing their true feelings the last 10 days there. They never had a true close, there is a lot left unsaid. He doesn't see that she has any responsibility in this either. It is just him...I know that he needs to fix this himself but is there anything that any one can think of that may make some sense to him-or am I just whacko???

Go over to the RECOVERY section of these boards and read some of 2ofakind's post. He's very straightfoward with them. He's honest and clear about how he was a WS and what he's done to work on bettering himself. It's very insightful!

ZM - I have wanted to respond sooner - I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. I have already written you 3 responses and erased all of them!!!! I'm not entirely sure I have this figured out yet, myself, so bear with me on this.

I think about it this way. There is a door marked "A." Next to it is the door "D." My H had been walking me toward the doors for a while in the M. I let him. Finally, my H walked me straight up to the doors. At one point, the door marked "A" opened (OM). OM reached his hand out I chose to take it, and I chose to walk through that door.

I don't know if this will make sense, but here is how it ties in. Because of unmet ENs, etc, my H led me to the door. I did not try hard enough to stop him and rectify my needing ENs. An opportunity presented itself. I had two choices - get a divorce, have an affair. Because the door was open, and someone was waiting there to take my hand, it was easier to choose one option than the other. However, the decision to choose that option still ultimately rests on my shoulders. I chose the easy way. Not the right way.

Essentially, there were a combination of events that drove me, allowed me to be vulnerable to the A. But in the end, I made the fatal decision to cross the line.

I see where he is taking all the blame. I do it also. Even though OM pushed me, participated, etc, I was the one who still made the decision to cross the line. That is the plight of the WS. We have to figure out why we made that decision. Mine I believe was due to low self esteem. I still have to dig further and see why I continue during parts of my life to allow others to define how I feel about myself. It doesn't happen often, but in this situation (with all the other x,y, and z factors), it led to my A. I chose the A - I could have chosen D. Should have chosen D. But I didn't.

So I understand what he is saying. But what he needs to understand is that there were factors that pushed him toward the A, and that the OW was willing to help him walk through the door.

I think I just confused myself. This is all still soemtimes surreal to me.

Hope this helps. Best wishes!

LIT