I'm new to this site and have been reading for sometime but have not had the guts to post until now. I am currently in a marriage of 11+ years to a man I met in college. We have done everything "right"--got married two years out of college, established our careers and bought a small home, married for four years before having children, now have two children (boy and girl-7 and 5), have built our dream home. We have good friends and both of our parents are alive and involved in our lives. We attend church together and even find time to go out with one another alone. He is the best father I know, shares the work at home with the house and children and we are financially secure (extremely secure) not because we were given anything--we have worked hard to get where we are. So, it is storybook perfect on paper.This is where I get stupid.

A year ago I changed jobs to a new location to be closer to home. Same career...just new location. At my new location, the person I have to work closest with is male. Of course he is only a few years older than me. We are a great team at work and have a great deal of fun. We would joke around a lot, etc...send e-mails...and that's where it gets ugly. After about a year there we were chatting online one night and he crossed a line...I remember sitting there saying to myself-no no, please don't do this...I knew then it was wrong. I considered us close friends at that point and now we were headed to a point of no return. I didn't share my concerns and the late night e-mails started. They increased in frequency and intensity--to the point of cybersex. This went on for about 6 months...but when we would see each other at work...it was business as usual...although some flirting. He is a Christian man and strongly involved in his church. His Pastor considers him a leader and is looking to him to become an elder in the near future. We have often said we were going to stop because it isn't right but that would last a short while. We are apart in the summers because of our jobs..and this summer e-mails slowed down...then all of the sudden nothing. He got nasty with me a few times ---and then all of the sudden said he rededicated his life to Christ after attending PK. I gave him major praise and encouragement. But then...he acted as if we could not be friends at all. It was odd...now he's back with enticing with the late night e-mails. Help!!! I am so confused...I love my husband and can't seem to figure out what's missing that draws me to this OM. I really think the OM is using me...but for some reason, I want to believe differently because he is supposedly a good Christian man....help--thoughts out there?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by struggling to do right:
<strong> I really think the OM is using me...but for some reason, I want to believe differently because he is supposedly a good Christian man....help--thoughts out there?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you think its unChristian to "use" you but not unChristian to carry on an affair with a married woman? Carrying on an affair with you is not a Christian act, that is the problem here, not whether he is using you or not.

He clearly knows it is wrong as evidenced by his attempts to end it. You know its wrong too.

I would suggest telling your H right now what has been going on so he can help you stop this. You must stop this now unless you want to lose your marriage. Stop communicating with him and find another job. Those are the first steps that should be followed by some serious reading and some counseling to find out what has led to this situation.

Unless you want to continue to play Russian roulette, I highly suggest that you end all contact with this OM. If you can't because of work, then tell him that, outside of work, you no longer want him to contact you ever again and that you are going to tell your H if he does.

Remember that by you continuing to have a relationship with this man, you are risking everything you love for a selfish individual who is far from being a true Christian. So for your marriage, family, and your sake, please end all contact ASAP.

Thank you to those of you who have replied so quickly...I've sat here in tears because this is the first time I've been able to let this out. I guess it is true...you are only as sick as your secrets.

I know the right thing to do...it's just finding the strength to do it...sometimes I feel very committed to doing what's right and other times it is harder.

As far as telling my H---I don't think I can do that...it would destroy him...and us and everything else in our lives...he has no clue about this "affair". Which is interesting--because I guess never thought of it as an affair...but perhaps that is what it is.

And yes, MelodyLane...you are correct...engaging in an affair is unChristian...not just the point of using someone. I think I wrote that because I'm not sure what his feelings are for me...we have not ever really discussed an emotional dependence on one another...it has been all fun and online inappropriate chatting.

I can't leave my job...for reasons I will not post here...I can leave this situation and believe that if I stop contact other than work related stuff---he will support that. So, do I tell him that--knowing we have tried that before and failed...or do I just show it by my actions????? Also, I feel the need to tell him that he has some deeper issues he needs to confront--is that my responsibility or not? Remember, it started as what I thought was a good friendship.

Sorry for being all of the place with this..just sorting it out..first time unloading anywhere.

Dear Struggling to do right, I understand the struggle you're going through right now because I had an A that started on line with a friend, so what I write to you is with compassion.
It sounds like you know what is right to do, but you're just having trouble being able to do it.

First of all, what may have started out as a good friendship is no longer a friendship. Friends don't "use" each other or jeapordize each other's marriages, jobs, and sanity!

It hurts like anything to lose a friend, but the damage has already been done and you know you need to stop the contact. It seems to me like it is not a good idea just to act differently towards him and hope he gets the message...you will probably have to TELL him to stop.

If he won't stop, then you could tell him that you are going to tell someone, whether it's your H, his W, or maybe even his pastor? Do you have a pastor of your own that you could trust enough to go to for help?

BE STRONG! You have already started in the right direction by asking for support and suggestions here. God bless you as you make your decisions.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Thanks Rose55 for the words of encouragment...i need them soooooo much.

Yes, I do know what's right...and I don't want to make it sound like he is the only guilty one...because I have been just as guilty or pursuing contact.

It makes me nuts that I've allowed myself to get to this point...I'm always the one who appears to have life by the tail and my friends have told me that I have "the perfect life". If they only knew how screwed up I've made things.

If you don't mind sharing...how did you finally end the A that started out as friends...did it progress to something physical...what do you do when feeling weak? How do you get through?

The no contact issue...will be even more difficult because of the working relationship...if I didn't have to see him on a regular basis--it would be easier.

I will do the right thing...just may lose my mind in the meantime.

Struggling, I don't mind sharing - that's pretty much what this message board is about! I'll try not to be too specific, though, so as not to reveal my identity - my teenage kids know I visit this site. H also knows, but I no longer have secrets from him!

My OM (other man) was an old boyfriend (from before I was married) who now lives in another state. After inappropriate e-mailing for a few months, I decided I was "in love," and flew to see him...very bad idea!

Once we got together in real life, the fantasy bubble burst immediately! I found out what it was like to be the OW (other woman)! It stunk. I spent quite a lot of time alone in a lonely hotel room, looking out the window, watching for his car to drive up the road. I had expected it to be a very romantic time, with each of us falling into each other's arms, etc. YECH.

The reality was that what I was doing went against everything I believe in. I was so in shock with my own behavior that the sex (one time) was awkward and unsatisfying. We both realized that what we were doing was wrong, and that I needed to work things out with my H. (I don't know what OM decided to do about his W).

I truly was sorry for what I had done, and prayed for God's forgiveness. I flew home and after immediately talking to an IC (individual counselor), Christian relative, and a pastor, I decided (painfully) to tell my H what I'd done. I thought my marriage would be over, but my H surprised me by asking me not to leave.

We agreed that the only way our marriage could survive this was through prayer and MC (marriage counseling)! We counseled with our pastor who had us read HNHN (His Needs Her Needs). It was the most painful book I ever had to read. I was almost physically ill after reading the first chapter and I wanted to quit reading it, but I kept on with it, for my H.

Of course NC (no contact) with OM was demanded of me immediately. At first, I still wanted to be friends with OM, and in my fog, believed it would be possible. My H wrote the NC letter and changed the password on my e-mail account, but I was weak - apparently still addicted to the attention and rush of the A, even though it had gone so badly. I opened another e-mail account without telling H.

What I discovered was that in between e-mails with OM, I would start to feel better, but each time I wrote to or heard from OM, it was like pulling the scab off of a wound. Also, I was never comfortable in church. I felt like I couldn't take communion because I knew I was still living a lie, and I couldn't even sing hymns that were about being free, because I knew I wasn't free at all.

I knew that I was only continuing to hurt everyone concerned, and that the only healthy thing to do was to write another NC e-mail and end it for good. I told the pastor what I'd done and he gave me the opportunity to tell my H during MC. H was mad, but we closed yet again another account.

That was last fall. The winter and spring was hard because I did still miss OM, and hated myself because of it. It just didn't make sense to me. What got me through it was prayer, Bible Study, counseling, wonderful Christian family and friends, and reading Christian self-help books. My favorites: Daddy Loves His Girls, by T.D. Jakes, and When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, by Beth Moore.

In really weak moments when I felt like contacting OM, I would remind myself of recent sermons I've heard on the subject of adultery. The scripture that stands out in my mind when I need it the most is I Cor 6:18, "Flee fornication." It doesn't say, "Stop and consider it," or "Relax and think about it all you want," it says, "FLEE!" Run for your life!

I have made the conscious choice of turning my back on what I did, and RUNNING in the other direction. With the help of God, but also by an act of my free will, I will refuse to go down that path again!

I hope this helps. Those books I mentioned are really good. God bless you.

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Dear Rose55,

Your responses have given me hope. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

You said- [QUOTE] The reality was that what I was doing went against everything I believe in.

This sounds like me talking...I have condemned so many for doing exactly what I am engaged in.

You said [QUOTE] I truly was sorry for what I had done, and prayed for God's forgiveness.

I have done the same--over and over again.

You said [QUOTE] What I discovered was that in between e-mails with OM, I would start to feel better, but each time I wrote to or heard from OM, it was like pulling the scab off of a wound. Also, I was never comfortable in church. I felt like I couldn't take communion because I knew I was still living a lie, and I couldn't even sing hymns that were about being free, because I knew I wasn't free at all.

Oh my gosh-----it's like you have read my mind. Each time after an e-mail...it hurt more than the time before. You would think that after banging your head against a wall so many times you would figure out it hurts....I must have a high pain tolerance-ha ha

Distance helps...but it's hard because we work together.

I have favorite scripture as well and have even posted them on my desk to help keep me focused at work. I pray daily about this...it is just so hard...and the guilt makes me sick inside...the guilt of wanting OM's company and attention. That's what it is...it's an addiction to the attention.....I hate every bit of that.

I will continue to pray, read the word and try to stay true to this path...but will keep coming back for support.

I believe that the Lord has sent me here (MB) because I haven't had the guts to go to my Pastor, counseling or tell anyone...until now.

Thanks again and blessings to you.

Struggling -

On a lighter note: Something else I did that has really helped is - I bought a kitten! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sounds silly, I know, but she is a great source of affection. H and kids love her, too!

Keep posting! I hope you find lots of support here. My pastor believes there is no such thing as coincidences, but that the Lord's hand is in everything.

Gotta go to bed now. I'll be glad to hear about how you're doing. 'Night!

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Struggling -

Rose is giving you great advice, and I'm going to let her keep going with it.

I just want to address something you said about secrets making us sick.

For more than half of my lifetime, I've been afflicted with a condition called Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). Basically, it means that my ovaries failed way before they were supposed to. It happens to about 1 in 100 women under the age of 40.

In my case, I was a teenager. It happens to less than 1 in 10,000 girls that age. (I feel sooo lucky. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I never had a "real" period. My body, starved of estrogen and progeterone and all those other things that a woman's body needs, went from pre-adolescent to post-menopausal when I was around 14.

It took another 14 years to get an accurate diagnosis and to find out that there is no known cause, no treatment, and no cure.

POF leaves a woman infertile, at risk of heart disease, osteoperosis, thyroid problems, and other endocrine problems. And just for the fun of it, you have to live through all the usual symptoms of menopause. This all started when I was so young that I thought hot flashes were just a normal part of existing!

(You should've heard my mom laughing when I finally figured it out, about 20 years later...)

Anyway, I do have a point to all this.

For all those years, I didn't really talk about POF. I didn't talk about the infertility, or why my body looked the way it was. When I started the Pill in college, I had to ask a very close friend what kinds of protection to buy and when, and how to use it!

Years later, after I diagnosed myself (thank god for the Internet), I got in touch with the wonderful folks at the National Institutes of Health. They're some of the very few people in the nation who have any real solid knowledge of POF.

And I learned two incredible things.

The first one was that by talking about this condition, I healed myself. Oh, not my physical body. But I certainly healed my soul. And I got help for my poor body! My bones have gained three whole pounds in the last few years! (Hormone replacement therapy, calcium, and weight bearing exercise.)

That was a wonderful thing in and of itself.

And I also found out something even more important. People in this world are absolutely amazing. If you approach your situation without fear, and with courage, they will have tremendous respect for you. And when you're so afraid that your hands are shaking, all you have to do is reach out. Someone will take your hand and help you.

YOU have to reach out. You have to ask for help. You have to take that first, courageous step and say, "I need help."

And honestly, sometimes it takes 14 years to find the people who can give you answers, even if they can't cure you. But I think I would have found my answers much more quickly if I had taken that first step sooner and started asking for help. Because once I started, I think it only took me a year to get to where I needed to be.

So ... please. Take that first step and start asking for help. Your cure is a long and painful journey. But your blessing is that there IS a cure and you can and will be whole again.

Just a note from a betrayed spouse. My wife worked with a guy. They started talking about everyday life. Nothing special, then they became closer as time went by. Well, to make a long story short, she is now living with this man. We had an ok marriage, I needed alot of work, but it wasn't a marriage where we yelled and screamed at one another. It'll be 17 years in a few days. We have 2 great daughters. Well, I'm in couselling and my daughters are pretty messed up about this whole thing. My wife moved out about 2 months ago. I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I still love my wife and would welcome her back if she would want to. Your husband may get upset and feel like I do, but if you stop now before it goes any further, it'll save you and your husband much heartache. Don't let this get physical, because you will really go into what they call a fog and you will have a very difficult time stopping the affair at that point. I know you may think what you have is special, but it is a very common thing. Read on this site and you will see the path that lead to many heartbreaks... You can avoid alot more pain if you end it now. Also, I'd suggest you read Surviving An Affair by Harley. It paints a good picture of what affairs are all about and how to get through one. Again, I say STOP before it gets too late...

Why is it that I see so many co-worker a's posted on this site? I am a BS and the OW was a co-worker (and still is).

I cannot understand this, you see I work in an environment where I am the only woman. I work with lots of males and I also come in contact with lots of males doing business with us. Being the only woman I have had lots of advances, phone calls, sexual remarks, etc..... One of these advances was from a co-worker, that would daily try to make something other than business happen. I will tell you that I was so flattered, impressed, curious, etc.. with the thought of what it would be like to be with him but somehow my morals would always win. I just couldn't do it. Of course, this was before D-day.

After I found out about the A I felt the need to share this with the co-worker. I thoght many times of an anger A with him but found that he turned out to be the one person that would make me feel better because he went throung the same thing with his W. I guess that is why after that he backed-off with the sexual advances. He truly became a friend.

Why can't co-workers leave it at that, friends only, at the most.

Dear Lost without her,

Thank you for the different perspective. As of now...I have no intentions of telling my spouse...I believe I can stop this before it ever gets physical...I know I may get hammered here by that statement...but I believe it to be true. I am doing what I can in small steps to break the cycle...and, really, I don't know that he cares that much about me personally--I think that it is the attention and the rush of someone showing you attention. I am trying to communicate this in subtle ways to my husband...that even though we are comfortable...I still need that special attention from him...it still makes my heart flutter when he does something special for me because of his love for me...but it seems that it is so infrequent and I hate that. I try to show him what I need by modeling it and treating him that way. But he is not a man who requires a great deal of attention, so it is not that big of a deal to him. Please don't think I am blaming him for my inadequacies...it is not his fault...I just keep trying to communicate my needs in direct and indirect ways, but he doesn't seem to get it.

I'll keep working on that and will continue to try to steer clear of OM---it is really hard.

I will pray for you and your daughters and your wife as well. You are a great man for wanting to remain true to your vows and for being willing to accept her back and work on what your marriage needs. I hope she gets out of her fog real quick before it does any further damage, especially to your daughters.

Blessings to you.

Dear feeling tainted,

I couldn't agree more about coworkers leaving it as friends. I too have worked with other males and have never felt as I have here. This did start as a friendship and I never had any intention of crossing a line...I enjoyed the friendship and it was plenty for me. He crossed the line intially--and although I never thought I was capable...I allowed it to happen. So I do take responsibility...you say that you and this coworker are just friends...I hope that to be true...but i wonder if in his mind it is something else since he did make some advances. Guess it doesn't really matter...I'm just glad you were strong enough to refocus and resist.

Question: Did you ever tell your spouse about this?

I know you do not want to tell your husband about this, but it may be the wake up call he needs. If it weren't for my wife's affair, I may have just kept living like nothing was wrong. Eventually she would have probably left anyway. But I know my faults now or at least some of them. I've read alot and through counselling I've become a better person. I hope one day to be able to be that better person for her. A very good source book is His Needs/Her Needs by Harley. Your emotional needs are not the same as your husbands and if neither of you are meeting all those needs, an affair is very possible. If not for you, possibly for him. Act now, don't wait until its too late. I wish I had known more before it got to this point, but I had become "comfortable" with my marriage and my wife wasn't and I didn't know it. You may have a good marriage now, but you can have a great marriage if you are both willing to work for it. At least that's what I've read and hope to have some day. Good luck, but don't get comfortable...

STDR,

Fortunatley, this co-worker has moved away and I have not had contact with him but once since he left. I think this is a good thing because my emotions were so out of whack I don't know how long my "MORALS" would continue to win.

I feel that if you tell you H about this A you will see how much you really have to lose. I asked my H what drew him to the OW and he said it was curosity, and the excitment of doing something he knew he was not suppose to do. He never felt anything for this OW and it only lasted a few months. He now cannot stand the sight of her (So he says) and I guess I have to believe him if I want to move on.

Please don't continue to do this to your family!!!!! The pain is unbearable.

Feeling Tainted,
You are very lucky that he moved away--because I too consider (or should I say considered) myself to be centered, Christian and a person with strong ethics and high morals---but emotions really do get in the way.

My problem is--I do work with OM and can in no way leave my job--there are so many reasons---so I'm doing what I can to keep it professional--it is hard---had to meet with him for an hour today---he senses something different--he e-mailed me asking what my problem was--I just e-mailed back that i am busy and focused on work. Maybe i should have said more...but I do believe that if I give the cold shoulder and discuss nothing but work when we have to talk--he'll get the point and be done as well. Maybe I'm fooling myself--time will tell...it is extremely difficult --daily.

I am expecting him to e-mail tonight---that's why I'm on MB and avoiding him---gonna be here until I drop into bed.

As for telling my husband---I know it would be over--I just know it and I don't want that --for him-for me but especially for our two beautiful children. I know I can put an end to this and move on. It helps just getting my feelings out here...

Dear lost without her,

I am going to get the book you mentioned and read it...and depending on the content--request my husband read it as well. I cannot tell him about this issue--I just can't---but I can continue to communicate my needs and maybe this book will help.

It is so puzzling to me--how I even got here--my husband is intelligent, handsome, the best father to our children, involved in church, highly successful business man, we have money our dream home, a healthy sex life--we have it all-----and here I am screwing it up because of attention issues....what am I thinking? It is a comfortable marriage and he loves that...it must just be too comfortable for me....I am such a fool----sorry to be all over the place here...just sorting out my feelings...and avoiding OM online tonight.

Thanks for your insight. I do appreciate it.

STDR,

I am probably the last person to try to give advise on your situation. I can tell you though, what the A did to myself and my family. My H also has to work with the OW. He said that she called him daily after he tried to end the A and he gave her the cold shoulder.

When I found out about the A I was so curious about this OW I did my own investigation and finally got the nerve up to confront her. When she realized that I knew and that my H did not want to continue with her she finally let it go. Again, this is what my H tells me and I have to believe him or make myself crazy.

If you tell your H, this could help end the A.

Sounds like you are all talk and no action. He is emailing you and you are still responding and so it goes on. You can easily stop this whole nonsense by sending him a final email that the emails are inappropriate and that it is going to stop now. To emphasize that you mean it you can change your email account so that he can no longer email you. He will quickly get the message that you don't want to play with him anymore. Will he feel hurt? So what. Your relationship with this man should be only on a business level anyway. On the other hand if you continue this stupid game you will find yourself in a mess. If you think telling your husband now will be painful what do you think it is going to be like if your relationship with this OM progresses to being physically intimate. You have already established a intimate connection to this guy by having cybersex and discussing personal problems. You knew from the beginning that this was wrong but yet you continued. The next step will be to meet each other and arrange to have sex knowing that it is wrong but by this time you will rationalize your action by telling yourself that it is your husband's fault or that you are in love with this OM etc. I would suggest that you step back and real good look at yourself. Instead of just talking about doing what is right you do what is right.