Hello Marriagebuilders. First, again I want to thank those of you who understood how badly I needed your help and reached out to help me. Your help was priceless. Just hearing from those of you who have survived this was enough to give me a thread of hope that I would, too.

I have taken time away from MB and have immersed myself in Al-anon and in conversation with my mother and step-father, and in a divorce support group. I feel blessed that I have this kind of support in my life because I know many others suffer this horrendous process alone.

I wanted to say that I won't be coming back here often because I have come to some deep truths that I must live by if I want to be the person I want to be.

My husband fell in love with another woman. The injustice and horror of this need no further explanation. Sometimes I still cannot breathe. Sometimes I love him so much I want to beg him on hands and kneess to come to me. Sometimes I hate him so deeply I want to kill him.

But the truth, the one truth I know is that it is his life and he feels he must do this, and I can not control him or his feelings. I cannot will this away or spend my days planning and plotting to change his mind. I will go crazy if I spend one minute doing that.

The only thing I can do right now is learn to accept that this is happening in this moment, and focus on me and my children.

I've also had much time to reflect on our marriage. I feel like I've been ripped out of my own fog. He and I have been skating the surface for a very, very long time. We have lived certain routines quite peacefully. We have loved our children. We have provided safety and structure for a family. But as gutwrenching as this is to admit, we have been fluttering about the edges of male/female relating and intimacy for so long. So very, very long. When I read his emails with OW, as I said so many times, I felt like I was reading words written by a man I do not know. Did he and I ever share that way? The plain truth is - no.

I have told him all of this. That as gutwrenching as this is, he is free to pursue his happiness. I will not hold him back. I cannot forgive, at this moment, the fact that he chooses not to give us a try, and the rage erupts every time I think of that. But he is free. I will not try to tell him what's good for him. He is an adult and must figure it all out as an adult.

Thank you for letting me vent this here. I know it has nothing to do with your Plan A's and Plan Bs, but I felt an update was in order given how much some of you gave to me.

God bless.

what you wrote isn't a vent. it's an expression of clarity. and frankly, it might even be what saves you and your marriage.

a number of months ago another member here posted links to a four part series in a minnesota newspaper about infidelity. one of the things that stuck in my head was a line by the husband (the bs) who said something like, "with him she had lunch dates and romantic walks. with me she has poopy diapers and a mortgage. how do i compete with that?" (i wish i could remember who posted the links.)

i'm sure all betrayed spouses have asked a similar question. and as discouraging as it might sound, i looked at it quite positively because it illuminated more brightly that an affair exists only as a facade

all of what you wrote sounds much like what i felt shortly before and after my own d-day.

my wife didn't want to try to save our marriage. she would have gone to him if he asked her to because they were in love. she moved out of our home to try and facilitate her affair (actually, it was to try and save it by that point).

i was hurting but i let her go. i had doubts more than i didn't.

i also chose to not count on her for anything -- not for love, not for household support ... nothing. i had to save myself to save my marriage and to do that i had to begin maiking myself whole again.

to some degree, i decided to set a part of my life on hold. it was all the difference in the world.

the man who gave her lunch dates and cocktails after work and long drives in the rocky mountains is no longer in the picture. and i was there when it all crumbled around her. after all, it's what i vowed i would do.

she is home now. we are rebuilding our marriage.

i don't want to suggest that this means you, too, will share the same success. ain't nuthin' guaranteed.

but from my own experience it sounds like you're on the right track in saving yourself. even if you can't save your marriage you will still be a great success.

you mentioned in the long thread by A Lost Soul that you have found great comfort in following his story. as you know, his divorce is as close to final as can be.

however, i find him to be an amazing success because of how he's grown in the midst of such trying times.

on the other side of this, i see that the people who founder do so because they, for any number of reasons, choose not to save themselves first. sometimes they eventually get it. sometimes they don't and never will.

you get it. and because of that, what you're dealing with now becomes easier every day.

Thank you Whippit for the encouragement! Yes, I do believe that my job right now is to save myself, or nurture myself and my and my childrens' life rather than twist and turn trying to manipulate my husband. It's survival. If I focus on me I have a chance. If I spend every waking moment obsessing about him, I have no chance. I'm still obsessing, I'm nowhere near being out of this darkness, but I have a bigger vision right now than him. It comes from having been steeped in Al-anon for so many years, many years ago.

I have a Higher Power. I pray daily. I turn my Faith over to this higher power and declare myself willing to listen. I need to listen. If nothing else has been made clear to me, that has. I need to listen.

I'm not sure about the fantasy talk. Even if, in a few weeks or months or years he decides he does not want to be with her, was this a fantasy? Is it based only on fantasy? I know the popular approach here is to focus on this fantasy aspect, but I am too painfully aware of a deeper truth. I can't use that language because it's not his. How can I speak for my husband? How can I pretend to know? If he tells me one day that this was based on fantasy, I'll accept that definition.

This is so hard.

Right on! Great attitude!

However, for what it's worth, may I point out that marriage is based on a vow and a commitment. An affair is not. At this point, I am deeply repelled by my H and his behavior. My love for him is basically a memory. These are my "feelings" -- and they are as mutable as his own feelings towards OW. (I don't know about your H's A, but this one is a classic case of immaturity, selfishness, etc. I know this is not always true.)

But personal feelings aside, when I made that vow I took my soul in my hands and made a promise before God. I put myself on the line. And that is why I would consider a reconciliation. For that commitment, so that my life is not blown hither and yon by my own feelings of being "in love" or not being "in love." I know I have loved him deeply. I also know I can live without him, perhaps much better. It's no longer in my hands. (I think what you call an attempt to manipulate feelings in the other is often just an attempt to relieve our sense of helplessness; often, it works.)

If decisions as important as this are made on feelings alone, it will be a shaky world indeed. It rather is. Somewhere, there has to be a guiding principle or two. Which is not a predictor of any outcome -- I am very likely to be better off without him, in this case -- but simply a reminder of that high and far vision that you, too, want to embrace.

You've got it right. Get your own self together .... you may not be married later on, or you may .... but you know how to take care of yourself .... in part thanks to Al-Anon.

In my case ... the very nano-second I "set him free" .... he was begging to not be let go.

Weird, isn't it?

We are 7 years recovered.

Letting go is such a powerful tool .... I love it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

Hello again.

A.M.Martin - I've been thinking very much about the vow I took, how I took it and why. This may not be a popular approach on this board, but I do not believe that the God of my understanding wants me, or ANYONE, to sacrifice themselves in the name of a vow. I believe that God loves us deeply and fully and that the best way for me to serve God is to love myself deeply and fully, act with love towards others, and honor myself so that I do not set an example that allows me to be dishonored in the name of serving God.

If my husband has decided to dishonor our vow, that is up to him. I have many questions as to how a reconciliation could come in to play that honors me. I will not willingly sacrifice myself in the name of a vow. Maybe that seems selfish and Godless here, but to my understanding, I cannot claim to serve God while I'm allowing myself to be dishonored. That just doesn't work for me. I could sacrifice myself in the name of love, a love that could be rediscovered between my H and I, but not in the name of God so that I would then live miserably for the rest of my life trying to find some glimmer of satisfaction in the idea that I am serving God. Or so then I could live self-righteously for the rest of my life, feeling superior to my H and waving a banner of piousness to keep me from feeling my pain.

This is my personal understanding of God. I'm not quoting scripture nor will I.

Pepperband - you got it. I am quite sure my H will react strongly as he feels me letting go. I have no idea what that means for him and OW, and I refuse to make any predictions. Thanks.

A.M. Martin -

After reading my reply, I realized that what I'm saying is that my higher principles are very clear - love, honor and respect. If my H were able to come to me and demonstrate he wanted to love me, honor me and respect me and us, more than he wanted to do anything else in the world, I would consider a reconciliation. I would not consider a reconciliation because I believe God wants me to. I don't believe that at all.

Never .... are you angry at your H?
Pep

No, no -- not necessarily because God wants me to at all -- but because it is my word, MY word. It matters to ME. It was a promise I made, regardless of how it is trivialized and devalued by others! I refuse to have my standards and reactions determined by the behavior of others!

Oh sweetie! I shouldn't have distracted you with this point (it's made much better by Robert Bolt in "Man for All Seasons" and Arthur Miller's "Crucible"). You are doing the right thing. You and I both are doing the only thing we CAN do right now!

This is just a point that has frequently occurred to me -- how lightly our word is given and broken in modern society. As someone said, a marriage vow is the only legal contract there are no penalties for breaking!

But please accept my heartfelt best wishes. You are doing the right thing. Really, it's the only thing for now.

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

the fantasy isn't that what the affairees feel is love. indeed, they might. the fantasy is that the affair is a healthy relationship.

Pepperband -

YES! Of course I'm angry! Sometimes I'm so furious I can't stand it! But sometimes I also see a bigger picture and I calm down. The bigger picture tells me that this is between him and his own Higher Power. And that maybe when the pain and anguish has subsided I will find this was a blessing.

But yes, I am angry.