I have been encouraged to start my own thread--so here it is. You can read my most recent posts by clicking on my profile and then on view recent posts--but I will put my first post and the one I just sent to Meandt---any help from anyone is appreciated....

FIRST POST 9/3/03: I'm new to this site and have been reading for sometime but have not had the guts to post until now. I am currently in a marriage of 11+ years to a man I met in college. We have done everything "right"--got married two years out of college, established our careers and bought a small home, married for four years before having children, now have two children (boy and girl-7 and 5), have built our dream home. We have good friends and both of our parents are alive and involved in our lives. We attend church together and even find time to go out with one another alone. He is the best father I know, shares the work at home with the house and children and we are financially secure (extremely secure) not because we were given anything--we have worked hard to get where we are. So, it is storybook perfect on paper.This is where I get stupid.

A year ago I changed jobs to a new location to be closer to home. Same career...just new location. At my new location, the person I have to work closest with is male. Of course he is only a few years older than me. We are a great team at work and have a great deal of fun. We would joke around a lot, etc...send e-mails...and that's where it gets ugly. After about a year there we were chatting online one night and he crossed a line...I remember sitting there saying to myself-no no, please don't do this...I knew then it was wrong. I considered us close friends at that point and now we were headed to a point of no return. I didn't share my concerns and the late night e-mails started. They increased in frequency and intensity--to the point of cybersex. This went on for about 6 months...but when we would see each other at work...it was business as usual...although some flirting. He is a Christian man and strongly involved in his church. His Pastor considers him a leader and is looking to him to become an elder in the near future. We have often said we were going to stop because it isn't right but that would last a short while. We are apart in the summers because of our jobs..and this summer e-mails slowed down...then all of the sudden nothing. He got nasty with me a few times ---and then all of the sudden said he rededicated his life to Christ after attending PK. I gave him major praise and encouragement. But then...he acted as if we could not be friends at all. It was odd...now he's back with enticing with the late night e-mails. Help!!! I am so confused...I love my husband and can't seem to figure out what's missing that draws me to this OM. I really think the OM is using me...but for some reason, I want to believe differently because he is supposedly a good Christian man....help--thoughts out there?

MOST RECENT POST TO 2LONG AND MEANDT FROM MEANDT'S THREAD:
I appreciate your responses and understand what you are saying about working with OM. However, it is not that easy just to quit--at least in my instance. First, keep in mind, I have not shared this A with my spouse. So, up and quitting would be very strange and misunderstood. Also, I have wanted to work in this position (strange because it is a leadership position) at this location for sometime because of the proximity to home, invlovement in my community and involvement in my children's school. So, quitting takes me out of many of those things...letting down my children, community, family etc. Quitting my job doesn't just solve not seeing OM---it creates many other issues...Does that make any sense? OM works another job on the side and has talked (long before involvement w/me) about wanting to build that business and leave this job to do the other one full time. I just keep holding on to that perhaps that will happen sooner than later. These may sound like excuses...maybe they are...but right now...quitting is not as simple as you think it might be.

Meandt,
I feel for you and know the pit in your stomach when seeing the IM. It is one of a rush because it's him and one of "no no-go away-I don't want to live this double life anymore. I do have to agree with 2long---maybe you do need to get rid of this--is that possible or would that send clues to others about what is happening? For me, I can't even get rid of the e-mail account because it is all through work.

So, did you answer? What did he have to say and how did you handle it?

My OM was online last night as well...and it started out with stupid small talk and then all of the sudden he disappeared...which was for the better...but at the time made me mad---well, I sent an e-mail after about an hour saying that I was sorry --just was a weak moment--was seeking help and support (through MB but didn't tell him that) that I realized I am addicted to the thrill of the kill and the kill isn't even fun anymore. (what I meant was that since we have tried to stop---it has become like a bad habit to see if he is still interested and will participate)...but like I said in the e-mail---that gets to a point of no fun...because we've said all that can be said sexually--nothing new. But anyhow, I said all this--sent the e-mail and went to bed. Well, this morning there was a response about a half hour after that...I realized that he was probably with his W and had to log off when I thought he disappeared and he logged back on after she went to bed. In his e-mail he questioned many of my comments--almost like he's worried yet at the same time clueless as to what I'm talking about when I referenced those things. That ticked me off...I did respond with explanations and then retracted it (which can be done in this set up). I followed that with simply "forget it--weakened state now--gotta go". Well, he did read it and trashed it without a response. (I can track this through our e-mail system.) Again, that made me mad---I wonder if that means he could care less-which is possible__--or if this is his attempt to one up me and make me come running back to explain--which I have done before. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT THIS TIME.........

I am trying to avoid my work e-mail at night--but that is hard to do sometimes--it's the addiction of seeing if he's there....yuck-I hate that.

However, here's the good thing (even though I know some of you out there will bash me for all i just described)--the good thing is that I do feel stronger than I've ever felt---not strong enough--but I feel as if I'm getting closer to telling him-----ya know, right now my biggest fear is that he'll act like I'm nuts and will seem clueless with a comment like "stop what"--or he will agree and ignore. Now I know that I need to get over that--I'm not worried about how he will feel--just how he will make me feel. I know that's selfish and it shouldn't matter. But that's where I am right now...which, trust me is a step in the right direction.

OK--I've taken enough away from you, meand--after all this is your thread...I am taking this same response and posting a new thread of my own...I will continue to check back here on you because we have so much in common and maybe can work through our issues together. Please check my new thread as well.

Blessings to you.

P.S. Sorry to ramble and be all over the place...but just "getting it all out".

Hello:

Don't you think it is about time that you tell your husband what is going on so you both can fight this as a team? If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to be helping your husband with this and respect him more for coming to you and working together as a team to protect your marriage? Finally, how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? How can you have a strong marriage if you refused to be open and honest with your husband? How can your husband help you if you will not let him in? Dishonesty begets dishonesty. If you love your husband you will tell him what is going on with you and ask for his help. Wouldn't you want and expect the same if the roles were reversed?
I hope you think about this and I wish you luck.

Struggling,

Im glad you started your own thread..and, feel free to vent on mine any time.....LOL..My situation is getting worse by the minute. Talked to OM last night..ok, i am not going to lie..i was with OM last night. We talked for hours. He confided in a friend of his whom is recently divorced with three children..whom..btw...his wife cheated on him. Anyway...he told his friend about me and how much we are struggling with this. Can you believe that his friend actually told him that if we feel this strongly about each other than we should be together! OMG..I can't believe he said that. Does he not remember the pain he was in last year when his wife revealed her A to him? Even the OM was shoked at his response.

I just want to tell you to please, please....drop this guy all together....before it is too late and it gets Physical or you fall in love with him. My heart can't take this anymore. I had every intention of giving him the NC letter last night and I could not do it. This is truly the most selfish act I have ever commited. I am so afraid that if you don't stop contact with OM that you will find yourself in my position. And let me tell you...as much as I feel wonderful with him and don't want to leave when we are together...the pain that I go through and the constant sick feeling in my stomach the rest of the week, hardly seems worth it. I will keep you posted...hopefully..I will be posting soon that I have ended this A. I wish you all the luck in this hard road ahead. I know you can do it.

To Meandgctbe:

Just a quick question: How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? Would you want your children to grow up and do what you are doing? Does your husband deserve this respect and humiliation and having his health put at risk? By the way about only 5% of marriages are successful when one spouse leaves the other spouse for a cheating spouse. You define yourself and how you feel about your family by your actions. As long as you would not mind having your husband cheating, lying behind your back, having sex with another woman and shutting you and your children out of your life then I say go ahead and enjoy yourself. You have no idea the path of destruction you are on that will destroy everything worthwhile and important in your life. It is time you open your eyes and wake up to what you are doing and that you are hurting and humiliating the people that truly love you. I wish you luck because you will need it since you are in a deep fog. I hope you wake up soon before it is too late for you.

To Bryan P...
OUCH! That hurt....I guess the truth hurts though. Thanks for your post. I have thought about what I am doing. It is ALL that I think about actually. I am so sick within myself I cannot tell you. My husband does not deserve this, nor do our three children. I am trying to break this off with the OM...it is truely the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I spend a lot of time reading these posts and I am hoping to find the strength in others to do what I need to do. The big problem I am having is how to tell my husband. Everybody seems to think that it is the only way. Well..I am telling you and everybody else...it will be over. There are no second chances with him if he knows that I betrayed him in the worst way a woman can betray a man. However, I know that I am already hurting him...he knows I am different and it is really troubling him. That is my biggest dilema right now. How do I go through withdrawel from OM without explaing to my H why I am so messed up? Anyway...I think I am rambling on...thanks for the post.

BryanP, You have been giving good advice. Bless your heart for your perseverance!

Struggling and meand, I've been in your shoes...all I can do is try to reassure you that you can give up OM and EVENTUALLY begin to feel better, even if right now the thought of living without him seems impossible.

At first (and as long as 4 months after the A ended), breaking off with OM hurt as much as the pain I felt when my father died. I didn't think I could live through it.

The temptation to contact OM felt unbearable, but I finally decided that even if I had to hurt forever, WRONG is WRONG, and I could not have any relationship with OM because it would be disrespectful to my H, and I would be breaking God's laws (even if OM and I intended to remain "just friends," the contact would be deceitful, and the Bible clearly says, over and over, NOT TO LIE).

The bad news is: Recovery has been painfully slow (withdrawal and working on my M).

The good news is: This past month (one year after DDay), I was surprised to realize that although I still have triggers, they no longer send me into a tailspin, and they don't hurt anymore!

I really am o.k.! Not deliriously happy yet, but finally o.k.! What a relief! I'll take even "just o.k." over "devastated" ANY DAY.

My marriage (H knows about A) is still in recovery. We have our good days and bad, but I've seen God's hand on our lives through even the worst days, and have faith that God is with us, no matter what.

God is there for you as well - reach out, grab tight, and hang on!

Dear meand,

I'm sooooo glad you found me here...I'll continue to look for you here and on your thread as well...things are sooo similar for us.

Now first, what in the world were you doing with him last night???????/ Are ya nuts?????? Did this happen as a result of the IM that came through? Even though my situation has not gone to true physical contact---I can imagine how hard this must be for you because I know how hard it is for me. But you have got to get strong enough to do the NC thing--you just have to.Keep coming here everytime you feel weak-----post and post and post and there are enough wise friends here to get you through. I know that they have helped me sooo much this weekend--it has been a tough one...but good as well. (more to come on that)

I can completly identify with what you say about telling your H. My situation is exactly the same. I have decided to try to focus on the marriage and what I feel I'm not getting that keeps drawing me to this OM. I cannot even deal with telling my H right now. I keep thinking I can get this together and spare my H, family and friends the pain of it all if I end it with OM and focus on my marriage. (Boy will I get beat up on here for that comment--go ahead, friends =have at it--I know you all mean well.)

Someone recommended the book His Needs Her Needs to me. (Actually a couple of people.) My family and I skipped out on church early (at my request--guilt consumed me to the point of wanting to scream and I had to get out). I told my H that I wanted to go the bookstore and get a book. We did and on the way he said,"Why don't we let the kids pick out some magazines and sit in the coffee shop and have a cup of coffee." Wellllll, I think the Lord must have been working here..because H knows that going to the bookstore--buying something to read and going to have coffee and read is one of my favorites to do. He and I haven't done this together for awhile. Soooooooooo--I do believe the Lord had a hand in it---I needed this kind of attentiveness from H today...after feeling how I felt in church. So we went and I bought the book. I set it on the table and went to get my coffee--came back and started reading. Then he said something about what I was reading and said, "what? are you having an affair?" I about died--he sort of did it tongue in cheek because the books says "building an affair proof marriage" on the front. ANyhow, even though that was a great opportunity...I just said that I want to avoid the temptation of one and we need to talk. Which we did when we got home...we spent time going through different sections of the book and I learned much about his needs and hopefully he did about mine. It was like the book was written for us. We are going to continue in detail together and I'm feeling great right now about what lies ahead...haven't felt this hopeful in awhile.

But, now the weekend is over and I have work to do tonight. I have a must send e-mail to the OM and I'm terrified about it. I have decided that if he is in tonight, I'm going to not open anything from him and deal with it tomorrow. My goal with OM is to take it one day at a time---I will not respond tonight---and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I should not have to see him tomorrow, but Tuesday I will. (We did exchange some e-mails Friday night and I think I ended up making him mad--which is fine--but I'm afraid he'll want to address it...we'll see.)

Now I'm the one rambling---but to my friend, meand, I'm not sure what actually made you stray from your H. Have you mentioned that? I have found that for me it is lack of affection----and attention----the OM filled that for me...now I have communicated my desperate need in a very specific way and am hopeful that we'll begin working on that and need for OM will become nonexistent. Does that make sense?

I do love my H and want my life with him---not with OM--I do know that for sure.....so I am committing to that...still hoping I will send the NC letter this week--but will only if he addresses things--if not--it will be cold shoulder like from him and I will just reciprocate--he'll get the point.

I'll be checking in later tonight--hope you're around,meand.

Rose 55---you are so wise and I find strength in your posts. Thank you so much.

Blessings to all.

Struggling - I don't know how wise I am; I had to learn everything the hard way!

It's so good to hear that you and your H spent quality time together today, and that he is looking at HNHN with you, and that you were able to talk! It does look like the Lord's hand was in your trip to the bookstore.

You're doing great. Keep on keeping on!

Hi Struggling,

It sounds like you had a great day with your H. I too spent some quality time with my H. We watched football together...actually..my favorite thing to do with him...believe it or not. Although..the Pats lost miserably! After the game we were laying on the couch together and he told me that he knows that I don't want to be with him any more...I could not believe it..he said that he just feels it and senses it and cannot go one living like this. I have to say..it scared me...Do I really want this? Is this my way out? NO...I love this man very much. I just need to give to him what I have given to the OM. I have completely been shutting him out.

I never did mention what made me stray from my H. I dont really know...I think it is just the attention and affection. My H has a very busy job that consumes him and he has a lot of responsability there. Also, our three children are extremely active in sports and there is basically no time for us as a couple. When I am with the OM...it is an escape...there are no interruptions..I have his undivided attention and there is a passion that exists that I have lost with my H. I cannot tell you how strong my desire for this OM is...way beyond anything I could have imagined would ever happen.

I ended up seeing him last night because he simply asked me if I could get out. And, instead of saying "NO, I have plans", or "I can't see you anymore", I said..Yes. And of course, spending last night with him was wonderful and gut wrenching all at the same time. And, now I have only made things harder. I am so afraid I am gonna give in to this feeling and do something stupid. I need to learn from you..I am sooooo proud of the steps that you have taken today and it makes me realize that I need to take those same steps. I am going to try and talk with my husband tonight and really let him know how I am feeling about us. I wish I could tell him about my A and end this once and for all. But, as I said...There is no way...unless..I am ready to accept the consequences.

I will not email the OM or respond to any of his emails, nor will I turn on my IM. He will call me on the way to work tomorrow and I will try not to turn my phone on. He calls me every day before work and I am really used to it. I know..I need to break that now. You have given me strength tonight just by your actions today. Good Luck with your OM at work tomorrow. Be strong...I have no doubt that you can do it. Learn from me...stop where you are...if only I had...I would not have my heart torn apart right now.
I will keep you posted.

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: meandgctbe ]</small>

Hi, struggling and meand. I am a FWW, so I can painfully identify with what you're both going through.

I met the OM through a Christian internet message board. I was initially attracted to his intelligence, way with words and humor. Posting on the board led to e-mailing, then frequent I-M-ing...all still relatively innocent, no cyber-sex or nasty talk. We just felt totally connected and on our own special wavelength.

After two years of this, we met in person...still in an innocent situation, with both of our spouses present and lots of other people as well. But meeting each other in person was the catalyst that touched off two months of a full-blown EA. We had been online friends for two years, and then meeting each other and being physically attracted to each other was just too much.

During the two months of intense EA, we were totally focused on trying to figure out how to get out of our marriages and marry each other. We believed we were destined to be together. There was an intense level of romance. There was never any cybersex...not even close...but there was talk of physical longing, etc.

I never had to deliberate about telling my husband, because the decision was made for me. The OM's wife found evidence of the EA on the computer, and blew the whistle on the whole thing. She told me to tell my husband or she would do it for me.

That was D-Day...a year ago. It was the worst day of my life, but I now see it as a gift from God.

Like you, I was totally addicted to this man and this relationship. We were so connected on so many levels, and he fed my need for admiration and conversation. He thought I was beautiful and desirable, and he made that clear. The two years of innocent friendship I now see as a definite part of the EA, because I was so dependent on him.

On D-Day, he actually came to see me and we spent several hours together (in public). I often wish we had not been together that day, because it made him even more real to me and made withdrawal that much more difficult, although the EA (thank God!) did NOT turn PA. It could easily have done so...God was just watching out for me.

I have written extensively on the "in recovery" forum about the stages I've gone through in the past year. I know all about fog, and the horrific pain of withdrawal.

Things do get better...they really do! I can now truly say I am so glad the OM's wife discovered what was going on. I really believe one of two things would have happened if she hadn't found out:

--we would have found ways to meet again, and the EA would have become a PA

--we would have found a way to leave our spouses and ended up married

I think either scenario would have been disastrous. I now truly believe the relationship would NOT have been able to survive reality. It thrived on fantasy. I am now able to take a good, clear look at the OM, stripping away all the romantic notions I had of him, and I can see that being with him would have been the worst mistake of my life.

It sounds like both of you have decent husbands. You now have to focus on your husbands. I would give so much to erase the pain I put my husband through. He is the first to admit that he was neglectful, but HE DID NOT DESERVE the pain I put him through. Like Rose55, I am so thankful that my H wanted me to stay. He has proven his love for me in so many ways, and I am now dedicated to restoring our marriage.

One of you mentioned how you want your old life back. I am so glad I have mine back. I also got to the point where I LIVED to communicate with the OM, like a druggie living for his next fix. If I wasn't talking with him on the phone or I-Ming with him, I was dreaming about it. Everything suffered...my real-life relationships with my children, my house, my spiritual life, my job, everything. I am so glad to be free from that bondage!

Yes, like Rose55, I still have moments of sadness and I will occasionally be blindsided by thoughts of the OM. Although he does have character flaws, he is not an evil person, and I wish him and his family the best. He has not once tried to contact me since we agreed on NC, and for that I have to give him credit. I find that the sadness comes when I am already down or hormonal, and like Rose, I have definite things I do to combat it.

One of the main things I do is think about my precious husband. Just focus on him, meeting his needs, and showing love to him. It really helps to get the focus off myself, and it reaps rich rewards. It's a cycle of love that ends up benefitting me as much as it does him.

I know I've rambled, but I hope I've helped you at all. Please feel free to ask me any questions!

Meand,

I have a question for you. Why didn't you agree with your H, and simply ask for a divorce? He knows you don't love him, you have shown him you don't love him, and really all that is left is for you to get the divorce and move on to OM.

As Bryan says, you have no respect for your H, you apparently have no love for him (contrary to what you say), and you are risking his life fooling around with OM. I KNOW you don't have any love for your H because in case you haven't figured it out, LOVE is not a feeling it is an action, and you clearly haven't acted in a loving or protecting way to your H.

Sound harsh? Well, reality is harsh. Another reality is that when you are with OM, you will have children, sports, bills, life, how does he handle those things? You don't know do you.

You are "in love" with a ghost Meand. With what you think your OM would be like if you two were together. Your H sounds like a nice, hardworking, family oriented man and clearly NOT someone you want as a husband. So do your H a favor and file for divorce and go for the passion, and the lack of responsibility. You are already doing it, so make it official and save a lot of people the time and effort of rebuilding.

I have been on this site a long time. I am very very pro marriage, but... I am not an idiot either, neither is your H. Whether you tell him or not, you are losing your marriage and he just may file before you do or want to. If he does, I doubt you will get a second chance. It is clear to me that he saying what he did to you, that he is willing to consider a second chance, but the window of opportunity is closing. I would bet he knows more than you think. You just left your children and H on a Sunday night for... what was your excuse??? I doubt your H bought it.

Time to wake up and either fish or cut bait. You my dear are in a lot more trouble than you seem to realize and all that is at stake is your children's happiness, the family they grew up in, and your marriage. OM??? He is at no risk so he can afford to keep trying to get some cheap stuff on the side. It is NOT his family or H that is getting treated as you are treating them.

Want to bet the children have noticed that you have changed toward them? Your time with OM had to come from somewhere. Your emotional investment in OM had to come from somewhere, and it isn't just your H.

My STRONG recommendations is to start making some hard decisions before they are made for you.

God Bless You and your family,

JL

JL

Of course she's cheating on her children as well as cheating on her husband ... We all know that .... but she'll deny it .... just wait .... her next post will justify cheating her kids.

My kids' birth mom was a heroin addict .... but she "loved" them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The OM is more important than your kids Meand .... admit it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Pep

<small>[ September 08, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"My H has a very busy job that consumes him and he has a lot of responsability there. Also, our three children are extremely active in sports and there is basically no time for us as a couple.

I ended up seeing him last night because he simply asked me if I could get out. And, instead of saying "NO, I have plans", or "I can't see you anymore", I said..Yes. And of course, spending last night with him was wonderful and gut wrenching all at the same time. "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Meand how is it that you have no time for your H but have enough time to spend an entire night with the OM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Until you end ALL contact with your OM and tell your H about your A, your marriage has no chance of recovering, much less of surviving.

meand:

I'm sure strugg won't mind me commenting on your posts here, because your sitches are so simillar - just a matter of degree apart at the moment. I wish 2 comment on something you said:

"He confided in a friend of his whom is recently divorced with three children..whom..btw...his wife cheated on him."

This sentence alone tells me a lot more about your OM. What FBS in his right mind would stay "in touch" with the bass turd (one of those big ocean-going Bass' turds, 2 boot!) that broke apart his previous M? This tells me that your OM never did the soul-searching he should have done 2 understand HIS part in the breakup of his own M. And now he's been 2rned loose 2 wreak havoc with yours. Better put your armour on, because this man doesn't give a flying f*** what he does 2 you because he doesn't have a clue what As do 2 people and families.

"Anyway...he told his friend about me and how much we are struggling with this. Can you believe that his friend actually told him that if we feel this strongly about each other than we should be together!"

Doesn't surprise me at all, because your OM's "friend" is a spineless zero himself. But you know what? You SHOULD DV your H and go be with your OM, if that's what you think you want. But if you DON'T want that, then you need 2 stop this behavior, and NOW. If you can't do it on your own, see a counselor and get them 2 help you 2 tell your H. He's going 2 figure it out anyway even2ally, if he hasn't already.

"OMG..I can't believe he said that. Does he not remember the pain he was in last year when his wife revealed her A to him? Even the OM was shoked at his response."

Bull feathers. I don't believe this feigned "shock" at all. He's looking for anything 2 justify continuining 2 use you. Don't fall for it.

What a mess. But take heart in the knowledge that your si2ation isn't unique. We all think ours is, when we're in the thick of it. But it's not. Nor is yours and strugg's remarks that you got in2 the mess you're in because you felt that your H's weren't giving you the attention and affection you need. I think all WSs say that. The key is 2 be honest about what you NEED with those you are responsible 2. NOT with your OMs. They eat this kind of stuff up, because it enables them 2 keep taking advantage of you.

♥2long

Strug,
I didn't get the "Rest of the story" in chat. Do you want to share how yesterday turned out for you?

Thanks to everyone for responding. It's been a few days since I've posted here--been in Ladies Chat the past few nights.

Thanks for looking me up Lor---I don't have time right now to go into the details---will post it all later---and will also be in Ladies chat later tonight.

Meand---I'm worried about you and been thinking about you a lot. What are the chances of you joining us in Ladies chat tonight!!

I will be back later with details of NC e-mail---rough day, etc.

Way to go, DIR!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
tsc

DIR, I&#8217;m following your thread and would like to know what has transpired since your last post. Please let us know and inform us regarding the details of your NC e-mail to OM, etc. How are you currently feeling? Are you maybe considering telling your H about everything that has happened after all? I know you&#8217;ve said you can&#8217;t do it, that your H will not understand and that it will destroy both him and your M etc. I understand that, but DIR, isn&#8217;t there any chance (now matter how small) of maybe considering telling your H? Maybe give it, your H and marriage a fair chance on this? Maybe it will be the hardest thing you&#8217;ve ever done, but maybe on the long run it will be worth everything in spite of the pain.

Honesty is the only way to go and I&#8217;m sure if you put your trust in God and seek is full will, He WILL help you and also help your H and marriage to get through this, no matter how hard&#8230;. Please consider it. It would be SO helpful if your H could help you get through the withdrawal phase and it would also be of great help to prevent further temptations for you from OM in future. During my withdrawal phase after my EA was stopped, my H was the one biggest factor helped me get through and stay on track. You only have one big advantage above me: If you tell your H yourself, he won&#8217;t have to find out on another way or from someone else... My EA was exposed to my H after he accidentally discovered one of OM&#8217;s e-mails to me. Please don't let it happen to you! The truth always have a way to be exposed on one way or the other. If you keep this from your H, it will be a burden on you for the rest of your life. Keep doing the right thing and please consider telling your H.

God bless
Suzet

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

You mentioned the OM attended Promise Keepers and attempted to shut down contact with you. I have been a PK for many years and though it is a wonderful program it's materials are only as good as you are willing to use them. I can assure you the Lord touched this man in a mighty way. He was confronted with his sin and his motives have been exposed to the light of the Holy Spirit. Being a human, though, he is still struggling with temptation, shame, guilt, etc. PK is not a cure-all so please don't hold that against him. Like you, he will have weak moments and may have to take 1 step backwards in order to take 2 steps forward.

Secondly, since you are both churchgoers I hope you have dedicated your life to Jesus. This means walking in the truth of the Scriptures and the light of the Spirit. The truth will set you both free. As you are aware, this will mean making some tough decisions and taking risks. If you both do the right thing God will honor that, though there will be a heavy price to pay. I trust you will do the right thing and tell your H everything. I would suggest you do this in a humble, compassionate way because your H will understandably be devastated. You may want to have this conversation with your Pastor present, after you come clean with the Pastor.

Finally, I lovingly exhort you to immediately cease all contact with OM. Don't allow his weakness to feed off yours. Someone has to stand tall and do the right thing. Prepare a NC letter and let your H and Pastor see it before it's mailed. The reason for this is the need for accountability, repentance, and a show of your good intention to change.

Remember that Jesus is there for you. Check out John 16:33. God bless you in your new life!

Hi Struggling...
Sorry I have not responded in a few days. I have not really even known what to say to the posts I have received. Today is my first day after NC. OM was at my job yesterday to work on some problems we are having. I spoke to him later and asked for him to not call, email, im or see me anymore. I told him that it is unfair to everyone and that I just cant live like this anymore. I honestly don't know how people do this for years. It has only been a little over three months and I am tortured. He will not call me any more. He said he loves me and will respect that decision. We both know we were only kidding ourselves.

I have broke down in hysterics three times today and I am not sure how I am gonna get through this. I will be checking back with you later today. I am sick to my stomach.