To those of you who know me, Hi, to those who don't well, Hi. Anyway, FWS had an affair that lasted 18months. Ended April of this year. Anyway I recently learned that he registered with classmates.com, no big deal because so did I. But he received a response from an old high school "friend". They have been emailing the past week. FWS does not delete her emails but I have no idea what he is writing to her. Anyway she is sort of flirty. Complementing him on his looks,etc. They have exchanged pictures and phone numbers. He sent her a picture of me and our girls and she questioned him about which one of us was his wife?! Anyway, she also sent an email saying she would call him on his cell phone and I questioned him as to why he did not give her his home number and he said he gave her both.

Well when he came home he saw an email from her that said she tried to send some pictures but they came back to her and she was trying to figure out why. After reading it he turned to me and asked, "You didn't block her out did you?" I went "OFF" I told him , "F You" 2x's and said don't ever ask me a stupid question like that and went upstairs to get away from him. It took everything in me not to throw something at him.

Anyway my question is am I making a big deal out of this or am I right to be concerned. I am a bit hormonal right now so I am not sure what is working in me, intuition or estrogen? Help me out here. Thanks, wu

WU- I don't know your story other than what you wrote here. I too would be concerned. This sounds like disaster waiting to happen.

I would suggest in a non-LB manner, telling H that you feel uncomfortable, happy or whatever with him emailing potential OW.

At the same time I think that the anger issue here needs to be addressed. How can you expect H to feel safe telling you things that may be hurtful when he expects you to throw things at him? This doesn't sound like a safe environment for radical honesty. When my FWS tells me things that hurt me I usually go walk around the yard or go for a drive, anything to get me away from venting my anger at her. I also have asked her to warn me by saying "The information I need to tell you may be hurtful and you may get upset." This way I can try to mentally prepare myself for the bomb that is about to be dropped.

Wucus, you aren't making a big enough deal in my opinion. Classmates.com is exactly how my H contacted old HS sweetheart and they wrote and called each other for months. He even gave her his gov email addy which he'd always told me was against the rules and I never had it! They started in march of 2001, exchanging about family, kids, life etc. In July when H had promised me Anniversary trip, he lied about needing to go to school in Fl and I found out later he flew to meet her there for 3 nights.
Then he promised me a trip for Sept. and took off on a weeks trip alone telling me he might not be mine when he returned. I found all the ugly emails while he was gone, spending a week at bed and breakfast in Fort Lauderdale, Fl with her.
Lovely vacation. I called them, he hid, she talked to me and said he's coming home to you, we are incompatible.
Sorry, but that didn't get it with me. they had been writing they were going to divorce their spouses and marry each other!
He never saw her after that day, he flew home, but did talk couple times on phone with her afterward and even saw an atty here.
Of course, I had sent all the emails to her H who didn't know and they were fighting and he kicked her out,taking her back later.
I put up with hell for months, still not over it, and he even told me our son and I ruined it for him. By threatening her and telling her H.
This after he had lied telling me he was never intending to divorce me, and didn't want her! And that they had decided that while togethre. They still had sexual contact while together.
Every momento and picture he ever had of her from his youth got shredded and flushed. He was furious, so I told him go to her, but she is not going to be in my house in any way.
Long story short, he wants us to rebuild and be happy. And we are together, but I don't love him like I did, not completely happy at all and I'll never love him like I once did.
Too many lies, cheating and hurts to get over.
Nip this in the bud now! If he gave her his cell phone, it's to keep you in dark and I can guarantee you they are heading for an A if not already. It's already emotional In my book, just time will take it to the next level.
Anything that makes you uncomfortable and insecure should be out the window for him and she should mean nothing to him.
Cut it off now or kick him out.
I wouldn't waste 5 mins again with this type of contact. My way or the highway.
Classmates is nothing more to me than a pimp service! He had not seen her in 43 yrs to my knowledge, but damaged our then 29 yr marriage big time for her. LouLou

Hi Wu ... I knew excatly your story ... I put you in my win column <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . As everyone said you have to avoid LB and talk to him. A happens it not b/c of moral or anything else or not even unmet ENs but failure to put up your guard. This is crucial ...

How is he now days ? ... is he fillin your ENs ? how about you ?

Remember to protect your M you have to care (ENs), protect (avoid LB), time and honesty. You have to be honest with your H about your feeling.

-rh-

Hello and thanks everyone: Hey Red!!! I am doing okay. Actually FWS is doing okay, I don't know though. He seems to try really hard to convince me he is into us but I find it too much too soon and that it rings a bit false to me. I have my guard up in other words. And I never could get that "Don't LB" thing.lol Well I will try. I actually told him to watch himself. He said if she gets out of hand he will tell her he is happily married. Well my thought was shouldn't that have been the first damned thing out of your mouth?!!

Anyway, now my thought is that if he puts himself in situations like this then maybe he is just not getting what he needs in this marriage. And I really do not believe I know how to do any better. I am and have given my all. We could never survive another affair and I am nearly at the point of not caring. It is almost like what am I fighting to keep. I am a bit hormonal.lol Long story as to why. Anyway, thank you all. wu

One more thing. I just checked his email and apparently last night he emailed his 'friend' and told her that I thought she was being flirtatious and eluded to our previous problems. And of course her response was that she was not and that mistakes happen and people grow from them. Blah,blah,blah.

I hate the idea that he takes what we should be discussing and tells this person who then judges me as the neurotic wife. And so what, she says she is in a long term relationship. So what his last affair was with a married woman!!! I don't like that she was joking about the whole matter and that even though she understands that I am uncomfortable there is no offer to stop contact. But she leaves it up to him, saying if our emails ever become a problem then let me know. Yeah, right. I know he will confront me with her emails and I will just have to remind him that actions speak volumes more than words. Thanks for listening. wu

Wucus, From the info in your sig line, it looks as if your H is a serial cheater - am I right, or were all the DDays from the same A?

I had an A that started on line, so I'm sadly familiar with this scenerio.

In any case, we already know your H is capable of using bad judgment. I wish his communication with her could be "nipped in the bud." Could you both agree that the classmates site could cause problems in your M, and both of you agree not to continue using it?

Does your H get angry when you express your feelings about this?

If you show extreme anger towards him about this, you could be "pushing" him towards her - causing him to turn to her for comfort when you hurt his feelings (which would be immature of him, but not hard to predict of someone slipping into a fog).

Does your H know you can read his e-mails? If not, could you ask him to copy to you all of his messages to her, and forward you all of the e-mails she writes to him...and let her know that is being done?

Who cares what SHE thinks about that? She obviously is NOT sensitive about your feelings, or she would stop writing to a married man who has told her his wife is uncomfortable about them being "pen pals."

Is there any way you could gently tell him how unhappy you are feeling about his communicating with this woman and ask him to stop? As in - "these e-mails are causing a problem!" (her words). I know it will be a sticky situation, trying to remain calm when your feelings are so strong.

One more thing - just because you are "hormonal," that doesn't mean your feelings are "wrong!"