Hi Guys.

SS-

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Many times I wanted to sit and send an update to you. Each time I started, something always came up, but I always felt your prayers in my heart.

I've been busy trying to fall into the swing of things of the new routine. It seems as if life has become much more hectic. In some ways I'm grateful because it gives me less time to dwell on my losses. I do still try to make time for reflection and feelings each day, but at times it's difficult.

Well not much to really talk about.

X is still very angry to the point of white hot anger. It hurts that he hates me all over again, but nothing I do either way will ever make him accept me or forgive me. I've stopped trying to show him my remorse. I've given up any kind of hope that he will ever see me as anything other than evil. My days now are focused on my kids. I try not to THINK about him at all. Hard to do at times, easier at others.

Ds has started his new school and he seems to love it. There are times that he calls me because he misses me. I think that he's dealing with so much upheaval again that he needs to be reassured that I am still there for him. Sometimes he cries in the morning at school because he doesn't want me to leave. I always tell him how much I love him and promise to return. He knows he can call me if he needs to hear my voice.

We all start therapy in two weeks and I'm a little nervous about what will happen. I'm afraid that they will say that I am the reason that everything fell apart and that X has always been 100% right. Again an issue of self esteem. I'm also afraid that it will be just a big waste of time. Can you believe that X's lawyer tried to make ME look like I was unstable because I followed the MB plan and desired recovery? This si the kind of stuff that makes me feel like doing the right thing doesn't matter. It just becomes twisted and used to hurt me at everyone's convinience.

A lot of the small revelations that I have been hanving recently and not able to share led me to a point where I realized that I have always been seeking approval and acceptance from X and I've never received it. Even now, after all that we've been through, I measure my own self worth based on what HE thinks of me. I'm so sad inside because he never saw the person I am inside. I'm also sad because I valued me so little.

Mostly, I still hold a lot of anger inside towards X about the issues that really don't matter anymore. I try so hard to be the best person I can be and turn the other cheek when confronted. Mostly I pray that all of this will just leave me and that I be left in peace.

When I think about this whole mess, I'm left with a melancholy that will overwhelm me if I let it. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't think about X. I wonder if there will ever be a time when all of this is just a distant learnign experience.

Anyway, I'm okay and holding my own....

Kily,

I don't have much time, but I responed to your other thread about DS and your Ex and his feelings. I suspect you already realize that this is a no-win situation.

Must go, will come back later.

JL

Kily

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you and routing for you over here in London.

Keep your chin up chuck!

Lisa

Hi Kily,
I was thinking about you this weekend - wanted to do the long post about bankruptcy, but could never feel right about it, only could get permission to say hi, and offer support.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Many times I wanted to sit and send an update to you. Each time I started, something always came up, but I always felt your prayers in my heart.

I know how that goes, happens over and over on this end too. I hope you realize that we understand how it is for you. What you are doing is not easy, and we support you taking care of the boys and your other priorities first. It has to be that way, but wanted you to know we understand.

I've been busy trying to fall into the swing of things of the new routine. It seems as if life has become much more hectic. In some ways I'm grateful because it gives me less time to dwell on my losses. I do still try to make time for reflection and feelings each day, but at times it's difficult.

Yes, sometimes being busy is a blessing. No time for "woe is me" feelings to take us over. I hope you can get more time from not having to drive so far to school and day care. At least I think that was supposed to be one of the results of the new arrangement.

Well not much to really talk about.
Remember that we care about your feelings too. Your hopes, and fears, doubts, and triumphs all matter to us. Not just how many times X calls on any given day. - I have to think all of that is important to God also, hope you get that feeling daily.

X is still very angry to the point of white hot anger. It hurts that he hates me all over again, but nothing I do either way will ever make him accept me or forgive me.
You don't know that -
It is always good to just to continue to live well. Do the best you can and it will come back around. I wonder if his anger is as much because he realizes he wasn't right about everything as much as it is anger at you. He could have changed the outcome, but he did not. I would have to think that is on his mind too. Denial is a handy tool if we want to avoid guilt, but it usually doesn't last forever - most often the truth comes to us at some point in time.

stopped trying to show him my remorse. I've given up any kind of hope that he will ever see me as anything other than evil. My days now are focused on my kids. I try not to THINK about him at all. Hard to do at times, easier at others.
I think that is the best you can hope for right now. If he is ever going to be the person you hoped for him to become, he needs to learn how to get past this stuff. He needs to grow up himself, just as you have had to do.

Ds has started his new school and he seems to love it. There are times that he calls me because he misses me. I think that he's dealing with so much upheaval again that he needs to be reassured that I am still there for him. Sometimes he cries in the morning at school because he doesn't want me to leave. I always tell him how much I love him and promise to return. He knows he can call me if he needs to hear my voice.
As someone with children of their own, I believe this is natural for the upheaval he has seen lately. If you continue to reassure him, he will get past it. I worry what his father will say and do - he can make it worse, or better for DS by how he treats son when he is there. I am glad you have the therapy coming up, it really can be a good help for DS.

We all start therapy in two weeks and I'm a little nervous about what will happen. I'm afraid that they will say that I am the reason that everything fell apart and that X has always been 100% right. Again an issue of self esteem. I'm also afraid that it will be just a big waste of time.
It will not be a waste of time for you. You already have been learning, but there are things you can say and do for your son that will help him to cope, and you can learn them easily in this setting. You can also learn things (if you pay close attention) to help offset some things X may do if he isn't willing to follow the things he is taught in therapy. In fact, if he was inclined to do the opposite of what he is taught, he could do great damage. Learn all you can, so you will be better able to know what kind of treatment son gets.
I am not suggesting X will do damage, but you know enough to watch for it.
Please don't worry about being blamed for everything. God sets the standard for forgiveness. With him it is enough if we forsake our sin, and try as hard as we can to live correctly. He doesn't require us to be perfect. If God is willing to forgive you, then you need to forgive yourself. If X were 100% right, the judge would not have ruled in your favor. Think about these points for a few minutes. Don't let your mistakes run the rest of your life. At some point, you have to be willing to go on, you can always ask God if it is time.

Can you believe that X's lawyer tried to make ME look like I was unstable because I followed the MB plan and desired recovery? This si the kind of stuff that makes me feel like doing the right thing doesn't matter. It just becomes twisted and used to hurt me at everyone's convenience.
That's what Lawyers do, that's what they get paid for. Don't let it get to you. Always do the right thing, no matter what. (OK, I know you will, and that you are just telling us your feelings, but........) Think about who you are. Think about where you want to be in 100 years, or 200 years. Life is so short, eternity so long. Think of your example - what he did was twisted and used against him also, but think of where he is right now. Is that something you could live with?

A lot of the small revelations that I have been having recently and not able to share led me to a point where I realized that I have always been seeking approval and acceptance from X and I've never received it. Even now, after all that we've been through, I measure my own self worth based on what HE thinks of me. I'm so sad inside because he never saw the person I am inside. I'm also sad because I valued me so little.

Kily, there are lots of reasons for this. If your father had done his job, half or more of the problems you face now would probably not exist. While that may be true, it won't help you now. So much of what we believe ourselves to be comes from emotional connections, not fact. The fact is that you are a daughter of God, and you have the power to become like your parent. You were born to succeed, and while you make mistakes, you can still do what you came to do - it is not too late for you. I think you know that. I think you do, but emotions still factor in to how we see ourselves. It will take a while. You know what I am saying is true, you feel it. Be willing to give it that time. Trust is a word with many permutations. We are working on you being able to trust yourself. Sometimes it is hard for you to do that.

Mostly, I still hold a lot of anger inside towards X about the issues that really don't matter anymore. I try so hard to be the best person I can be and turn the other cheek when confronted. Mostly I pray that all of this will just leave me and that I be left in peace.

It almost always comes down to us working on ourselves. Somehow living each day, coping with life, teaching our kids, going to church, working, learning to make allowances for others, being willing to help when someone needs our help - all of these make it possible for us to improve ourselves.

When I think about this whole mess, I'm left with a melancholy that will overwhelm me if I let it. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't think about X. I wonder if there will ever be a time when all of this is just a distant learning experience.

I don't know if it will ever be distant. Mine are still very sharp in my mind. HOWEVER, they no longer hurt when I think of them. They do keep me from doing similar dumb things all over again, so I count that as good.

Anyway, I'm okay and holding my own....

I hope for the day when you can say " I see continuing steady improvement ."

That day will come if you don't give up. I wish you could see the Kily that I see. I believe someday you will, and I'll keep telling you about her until you do.

SS

Hi K,
I wish I had a way to make you feel better! I'm so sorry about all this recent upheaval, and all the losses you and your family have sustained.

I'm thinking of you from far away!

I wish that there were a way to turn back the clock, and I'm sure you do too. Maybe not, some people feel we go through everything in life for a reason. I'm not quite in that camp.

Once someone said to me...."I know what you learned from your A. I guess what you learned was how high you could put your head up your @$$!" This was a good girlfriend, and a bit of a coarse- mouthed one, but to me what she said was true. I only learned how stupid I could be, and how there are consequences for our actions--and that things can't always be fixed. You just have to endure and try to make repairs, and hope that people see you for who you really are!

Didn't mean to go off on my tangent Kily. Hoping that you can feel peace soon--and that the therapy helps all of you. You've been a great help to me, and to so many others here.

take care,
H_P

Kily, I've never been to a professional therapist's office before, but from all I know about it, therapy, especially family therapy, certainly isn't about pointing blame at one another. It's more about learning from the past and fixing what's going on in the present.

That being said, I think you have nothing to worry about in these sessions. You have learned so much, and you have come so far from where you once were. That's what any good therapist will focus on, and realize all the good you have been and continue to try to do for yourself, for your children, and even for your X.

I think it's great that you are all going and I hope that it can give you the peace you have been searching for. You're in my thoughts.

ALS

Kily,
I have been thinking a lot about you even though I haven't posted to you in a while. I will continue to keep you in my prayers- you sound like you have been through an awfully lot lately- I know the burden is heavy but you will make it through.
Take care.