Update:
I wrote earlier asking for advice and got some feedback the encouraged me to do what I wanted to but wasn't sure if it was the best thing.

W is having surgery today for hesterectomy. We have been separated for 6 1/2 mos. now. I have been in Plan B for 2 mos.

Steve Harley told me to break Plan B for the surgery because of the "event". I want to be there for the surgery and afterwards but have learned the WW has asked the OM to be with her. My D asked her mother if she would want me there at the hospital, but WW told D that "Under the circumstances it wouldn't be a good idea".

I just got back from the hospital. WW surgery was at 12:30PM. I arrived their at 12:30PM knowing WW would already be in the OR. I was prepared for some confrontation with the OM but prayed for strength and courage and was prepared for whatever.

When I arrived, nurses told me OM had left to "go to lunch". So I told them who I was and only I had the decision making power as the next of kin. They looked a little worried maybe expecting some problem between myself and OM but I assured them I wouldn't even talk to OM.

I placed three get well cards in WW's room, a bouquet (spelling?) and a few get well balloons and the softest stuffed toy (puppy) that I could find on her bed. Then I went into the lobby waiting area by the elevators expecting the OM to show up. He never did. At 1:45PM the doctor came and spoke to me and told me the surgery went well and WW was in recovery. I told him the situation, thanked him and left.

I promptly started calling people to let them know surgery went well. All the people I called thought they would be called by OM (who still wasn't their).

I dreaded this day for a long time expecting the worst because of the OM, but it was non-eventful. I feel a lot better for going, leaving word with her friends and getting to place tokens of my affection about her room. I am home now and relaxed and relieved. whether WW approves or not, I was able to show that I took my vows seriously and that I still love her. It will be back to Plan B after I visit WW tonight with my D.

Thanks to those who supported me through this. It was a big hump for me to get over but it is all behind me now.

WELL DONE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am sure you just deposited a whole lot of love deposits in your WW bank, maybe she won´t see it now, but one day she will. You have been in my thoughts and it was so nice that you came back to tell us how it went.

And I am sure that you have been blessed and protected from above to not have had to confront OM in an otherwise very distressing situation.

It´s about trusting that our life has a purpose, and following our gut feeling of what is right and wrong. In the end you will see the purpose, I´m sure of it.

-queen-

Good man!

Monty:

That was really, really cool!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You ARE a good man!

-ol' 2long

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And that's just the way you do it!

Excellent, sure your wife will see the thoughtfulness and compassion you feel for her. I would of done the same, knowing that I still love this man that I am divorced from. Because I am a caregiver, and a very thoughtful person.

Good job, and how about you and daughter bringing something special up to moms room from the two of you. Don't know how old your daughter is, but if she is young, a rock, painted with words of love would be wonderful. This is something that your wife would not receive from anyone else. And guess who thought of the idea, daddy and daughter. Something that is from nature, that is out of love and just from the two that love her the most.

You did good, Monty. You did real good.

Monty,
Your post made me burst into tears.

It is so reassuring to see that people really do love one another despite the other person's huge failings.

You're a very special man. What a wonderful lesson you just taught your children about love, forgiveness, and caring.

The fact that you went there, despite your fears of confronting the OM--shows what kind of person you are. You really put your WW first before your feelings over the whole thing, and that takes a mighty big heart.

Take care,
HP

I'm glad to see you got through this day. I know you did the right thing! I hope I can be that strong if I'm ever in that position... Thanks for showing us how its done....

Thanks to all for your support.

I went back to the hospital tonight. WW was sleeping so I sat by her for about an hour. When she woke she just ask "How long have you been sitting there?" and then went back to sleep. I decided to stay. Later she woke again. This time she asked for ice chips that I spoon fed her and adjusted her pillows and bedding, etc etc. She started to warm up and asked who all the cards and balloons were from. All were from me and nothing from OM. I gave her the stuffed puppy and she was still holding it when I left a few hours later.

Thanks Queen for suggesting it. WW was friendlier when I left and let me kiss her goodbye. That was a lot different attitude than yesterday when she jumped all over my SIL when SIL suggested she let me take her to the hospital instead of the OM.

D couldn't go with me tonight but will tomorrow. I'll give an update. W will be more awake tomorrow. I am curious what kind of treatment D and I get b/c OM will have spent the day with WW.

Monty,

IMHO, i think you should consider getting back into plan B. You have made your mark/stand. If you push it right now, your WW may start getting the feeling that you did not really do this for her, but to make her feel grateful and "pull" her back into the marriage. She might feel that you are expecting something back from her.

I think that it is important that you keep your boundaries, since OM is still around. You have shown that when the sh... hits the fan, you are really there for her and proven your love. If she is O.K in recovery of her health, let her begin to miss your concern and care, let her begin to think...If you stick around she is not going to "see" you in the same way as if you are not there.

I think you have done a wonderful job. I also think that this incident could rock the boat if you could stick to your plan. Why? Because she is weak and needy. Now let the OM try to live up to what you have done, because up til now he has not and SHE KNOWS IT!!!!

-queen-

P.S.

By saying what I just wrote, going back to Plan B, you can still show concern for her recovery and what to expect when she comes home, how it will affect her etc... by asking the doctors and nurses, that everything is o.k - in detail.

Who knows, maybe one of the nurses or doctors will tell her, I wish I had a husband that had the care, concern and love for me like yours does... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

queen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Queen of a broken heart:
<strong>Monty,

IMHO, i think you should consider getting back into plan B. You have made your mark/stand. If you push it right now, your WW may start getting the feeling that you did not really do this for her, but to make her feel grateful and "pull" her back into the marriage. She might feel that you are expecting something back from her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you're right, but it is hard to not go to the hospital when last night was so positive. It hurts letting the OM stay with her and do the things that I did last night. I thought my SIL being at the hospital would chase OM away, but he stayed and talked with her for a while. I guess he isn't coming across as some evil marriage destroyer to others. And he did come along after we separated, not before as in most affairs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I think that it is important that you keep your boundaries, since OM is still around. You have shown that when the sh... hits the fan, you are really there for her and proven your love. If she is O.K in recovery of her health, let her begin to miss your concern and care, let her begin to think...If you stick around she is not going to "see" you in the same way as if you are not there.

Why? Because she is weak and needy. Now let the OM try to live up to what you have done, because up til now he has not and SHE KNOWS IT!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish this were the case, but the OM may have just been in a bad marriage. Since my W came into his life, he has dedicated himself to her. He tends to all her needs and even cooks for her every night. As far as I can see he isn't doing any LBing and is making lot of Love Deposits everyday. I don't know if the [censored] is ever going to hit the fan. I can't compete against him because he has no one else to lavish all his attention on. OMW doesn't want him back, so he has turned all his attention to my W. Even last night I had to leave my wife because my D couldn't be left alone. OM would not have left except for the fact his mother is dying of ovarian cancer and he has to spend time with her at the hospital also. He told this to my SIL before he left my W and I know this to be true from others. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well, then maybe going back to plan B is about protecting YOU and your love for your WW. You don´t need to get hurt anymore, do you? and you know that sticking around and having the OM rubbed in your face all the time will do exactly that.

I think Harley was wise to say you had to break your Plan B for the event. But now its over. What did he say about that? Maybe you should give him a call?

I know the pain you are going through right now and I empathize.

hugs
Queen

I agree completely! Back off now, leave her with the good thoughts and feelings of you. If you push it too far, the whole event will turn in to an LB. You did a great thing, let that linger in her brain as she wonders why you haven't come back!

Queen: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Well, then maybe going back to plan B is about protecting YOU and your love for your WW. You don´t need to get hurt anymore, do you? and you know that sticking around and having the OM rubbed in your face all the time will do exactly that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen! You're right. I was feeling good about my effort until I started thinking about the OM outdoing me. So far he has come up short for the surgery and post op. All I can do is loose from here because she will give him the chance and not me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I think Harley was wise to say you had to break your Plan B for the event. But now its over. What did he say about that? Maybe you should give him a call?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I don't need to. He said go back on Plan B after the event. My problem was determining when the end of the event was. But you reminded me that from here on out I am playing in the OM's court, not mine.

H4F </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I agree completely! Back off now, leave her with the good thoughts and feelings of you. If you push it too far, the whole event will turn in to an LB. You did a great thing, let that linger in her brain as she wonders why you haven't come back!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I can't go anywhere but down from here. Mystery after the affectionate display is probably my greatest weapon. I just hope it was enough. I am not there but hopefully the meaning and intent of the Get Well cards, balloons and stuffed hug toy will continue to remind her of that day and night.

Monty, another thing you mentioned is that the OM is not LBing and is able to be attentive to her needs. I just wanted to tell you that it doens't necessarily matter. My xOM was not married and was very committed to making a life with me. It was still a very confusing time and I think it's natural for people to 'test' another when they feel that doubt and confusion. That, plus the guilt that eats the WS up, plus the fact that the kids are torn in between...it makes for a big mess...lb's or not.

In the end, the OP can do it all right and still not 'win'...if the desire to keep the family together is strong enough.

You did a very good job and backing off now will keep those good feelings with your wife!

Monty,

I am going to go against the grain here. I think you should go back tonight with your D. If OM is there, let her see you and then leave, and let D talk to her. THEN start plan B again.

My thinking is that as long as you can help her NOW, and not have OM present, it will make an impression. Once OM is there and she sees you there and leaving it reinforces plan B and why you have used it.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>Monty,

I am going to go against the grain here. I think you should go back tonight with your D. If OM is there, let her see you and then leave, and let D talk to her. THEN start plan B again.

My thinking is that as long as you can help her NOW, and not have OM present, it will make an impression. Once OM is there and she sees you there and leaving it reinforces plan B and why you have used it.
JL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm? Just for curiosity's sake, I called her today because D has to perform in a choral group tonight and wouldn't be able to visit. I ask W if she wanted me to take take care of her at least until later tonight. She said "You don't need to, I would just be sleeping most of the time." I said I didn't mind and sleeping would be the best thing. She agreed but did sound too anxious about it. Now I am wondering if she really didn't want me to come but didn't want to hurt my feelings by turning me down. Or maybe she is just tired and wants to rest. I know when I had bypass surgery, people were killing me with kindness. I just wanted to sleep but parades of friends and relative kept coming and I felt like I had to stay awake and chat with them since they made the effort to come.

The last thing I want to do is force myself on her, but maybe I did just that. I hope not. I don't want to wreak Plan B when I finally got a good "A" attempt in.

Monty, whatever you feel most comfortable doing, do. Don't sweat doing the exact right thing too much. JL has some very good points. Honestly, nothing you can do will be 100% right or wrong. So just do what you think is best, and if you need to change mid-stream due to circumstance..then do that.