Opinions?

hard to give an opinion unless we know what your definition of "work" is ...

And perhaps why you wouldn't address my post to your yesterday's thread?

How come they won't tell the truth?
What's starting a new thread when you've just received a reply to your old thread? Do you not want feedback?

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 11:04 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

You will never know unless you try !!!

Lor,

I totally, totally want feedback, I need to go back and reread, my apologies... I had a stressful evening...

I am stressing over some actions ws has made towards me in the last few days and also that kids were returned a day late from weekend visit with no clue where they were and a 3 second phone call telling me they did not have a ride home. blah blah... I have to write more later, as I have to go to a meeting... but I much appreciate your support... I am about to implode from stress and lies, and I still love this man, am I insane???? I may be at this point????

Yes, I need distance, at this point I am considering an A, no, probably not... but I am going nuts... but hey I am back in my size 8's and getting getting close to a 6, so that is helping my self esteem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyway, very very stressed, and right now I can't remember the other thread, oh yeah, I said I might be doing a plan b, is that it////- well it is because my h still is not remorseful, still wants to be single and married at the same time, takes advantage of me, and still lies..... is that enough???? cakeeater to the max... he parties and disrespects me, and has a secret life, yet enjoys me when he gets to see me.... and yet criticizes my newly slenderinzing returning to me body and messy house due to the fact that I still support the family and he lives alone and does not pay child support except on a rare occassion...he has secret friends, and maybe even an occasional gfriend although I hope not, and think not, but hey I could be wrong...he still denies true intercourse with the ow's and that incenses me to the max, and I am obsessing over his needing to tell me he had intercourse and apologizing... although he lies to my face and I know it.... lies lies lies... anyway... sad I still love the low life...

Gotta go, work awaits..more later... and he thinks I deserves this crap???

Honey

You know what you may not deserve his crap - but sure as H*ll are still taking it ??? And why ???What are you afraid of?? Right now you have no marriage ??? He is still being self centered, disrespectful and down right immature and that obviously after all of this time is not going to change - Will it ever change who knows but you won't know until you toughen up... Stop letting him walk all over you - Let him go - you start being selfish - you stop kissing his butt for a change, you stop putting everything you have and then some into this relationship - Then see how he feels - see how he responds - then make a decision once and for all - I mean you have some counseling - then nope he decides he doesn't want to do it - You see him sometimes and things are great and you get your hopes up than bam - he changes his mind - When are you going to stop making it all about him... You lived without him before you can live without him again... You are never going to see any changes in him ever - Until you stop trying to fix him and the relationship!!! A marriage takes two - you cannot fix it by yourself !! Sad but true... I mean you are afraid to be by yourself - but havent' you proven to yourself that after all of this time that you really are alone - you are doing it all on your own - and you are surviving - You may not have the man you want - but you are surviving - Maybe if you let go - You can finally be Happy - and then you can see if he is the man that you want him to be - by seeing what he does... And maybe if you are lucky you will realize that he really isn't worth all of this pain and suffering... I am not trying to be mean - but look what you are putting yourself through - I mean I know you love him - but there is a thin line between love and hate and if you continue on like this - I am afraid you are going to hate him.....

It was the answer for me! It probably will be most helpful for you to read my thread.

My FWH has been calling me all day today just wanting to talk. He acts like he can't get enough of me. Right after D-Day, he acted as if he hated me. I did do a great PLAN A, though. I think that was an important part of my success thus far, too.

Honey,

Are you strong enough to carry out a Plan B? Are you ready to walk from the M? If you look inside yourself and answer yes to those questions, then you probably are ready for Plan B.

You called your H a cake eater. Are you ready to stop serving? I know how he thinks, remember?

Don't Plan B to save your M. Do it for you and your future. If he wants to make the sacrifices needed he will. If not, you are still moving forward...

As always, JMHO...

Gib

Thanks for the replies back... it is really, really hard for me to stay away.... from him. I am scared that absence will help him find another again.... although it very well may not.

He has told me he was willing to come home monday thru friday with a weekend plan to go to a fishing place and work on a weekend house that I was welcome to visit if I like, but he would be there every weekend... basicially, a married man with a single life privalige... so to speak. I have found out he has an inappropriate sister type relationship with a woman who might have a crush on him and he has spent the night at her home suposedly on her couch she is suposedly unattrative and about 15 yrs his senior and I spoke to her on the phone due to my searching for the kids this monday... I knew of her just a bit, but have found out he has spent about 5 nights or so at her place and evidently speaks to her on the phone of me quite a bit, and quite intimately of our life, and that bothers me... she knew a lot of our life when we spoke so I am disturbed, but did not tell her... just got info from her...

Anyway... I am considering mailing him plan b letter.. requiring couseling resume and no contact with any woman??? alone ? or in in appropriate circumstance? Maybe I can post here? I did not think there was a chance for an A going on but now I fear it, and now I know why I was fearful last friday night when his car was disappeared, it was b/c he was spending the night with this woman.... supposedly on the couch? What is this about? I am disturbed.

Anyway.... I require more counseling, and no contact with women, and commitment to recovery for marriage and no fishing weekends, but clear marriage recovery plan..... I do not mind him having a life, but not like the last 2 yrs of a party, he needs to address his drinking issues, and that is part of what has destroyed our marriage big time/ and family/ do I put that in plan b, I know only he can choose to change that?

Thanks for input.

Honey

Wait Gibby, Gibby,

Please Please help help... How is my H thinkiing, is he just using me... am I here for the using up? What am I here for, until I run out of what he can take me for? That is what I feel like, I don't feel loved much anymore... I don;t even feel like he cares if I file for a D... I feel like if I file he will think I don't care, so there then... or something like that... or that then it is my fault... you know how Alcoholic's twist it all around everytime, right? Right? It has to be all my fault everytime with him, everytime is my fault no matter what happens.... He used to love me so much, and now I am a nothing, and I always fail.

So what do I do... I am starting to give up. I am tired, and I feel like leaving him alone to make the next move at this point... it has only been two days at this point since I have seen or spoken to him... his cell phone is off, I admit I tried to call it although blocking my number to see if it was on, I wanted to see if had any money..... yet. I worry about him so much... and if he is ok, which I need to let go, I am working step 3, and right now I go to Alanon or AA meetings everyday to hold my sanity together.. I also went to divorcecare tonight and it was on the Kids and how to help them cope.. so that helped me. I do feel stronger with the support. I have some people to call to help me keep from calling him and I think I can make it through the week end without calling him which will be hard, because he will probabl get his phone on.... and that will be hard and I will be wondering who he is with and and wanting to spend time with him and wondering why he doesn[t spend time with me and the kids because I miss him so much... oh well.

Anyway maybe me and kids can go and do something fun???? Wow , what a concept?

Ok, should go to bed, have to work tomorrow , thanksf or any support.

Honey.

Honey,

U R tired. Your mind and body are telling you they need a break from this A cycle.

Realize that you can't know why he is doing what he is doing. There is no logic, rhyme or reason. He can't even explain it to himself, you think he is even going to attempt to explain it to you? Of course not. He is in the fog but not totally stupid. He knows that if he gives you 1 answer, you will have more questions. He may fear that and baits you knowing you will take the bait and run.

Honey, do you want him to control you this way? Look in the mirror and see who you really are vs who he is trying to make you out to be.

Choose the one that will get you happy and healthy, then move forward with it. Wouldn't you want your H back with the right frame of mind? As long as you are enabling his attitude, why should he change. You and the children deserve so much more. Let him prove to you how much better he can be.

It appears he has improved some but don't settle for some. You and the children are worth it.

Think about plan B. Read the book 'love must be tough' by Dr James Dobson.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please Please help help... How is my H thinkiing, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK Honey, this is how your H probably feels and thinks.

Number one - he is ashamed. VERY ashamed. He can not provide for his family (that is huge for us guys...), he has broken his vows to God and you, he probably is still breaking those vows, he knows he has a drinking problem, and he does not like himself. Those are the realities of his thoughts, his most inner feelings. But you will not see evidence of those thoughts and feelings. You will only see the outer shell that he wants you and others to see. This outer shell is his last defense against the most feared thing he can comprehend...facing himself and the truth.

Number two - he is avoiding that truth by telling himself that he is a good guy. He does this by blaming you, and anyone else, for what is wrong in his life.

Now here is the kicker - there is nothing you can do about all that.

Nothing...

Natta...

Zip...

An alcholic has to reach their bottom through the consequences of thier actions. Do not think that your H will suddenly realize his errors if you go to Plan B. Or if you file for D. You can not do those things looking for a reaction from him. If you move in that direction, then do it for Honey and the kids.

IMHO, it's time to make a choice...

Honey, I hope this helps.

Gib

Honey, I would like to visit with you on your situation, as it is so similar to mine. One of the questions you asked was answered to me by STBXH during his 6 month recovery. I have also spoken about his answer with another recovering alcholic and it put a lot into perspective. Maybe it will help you, too. I am in my office all day today and can be reached after 9:30 (the little guy is asleep by then) at home. Please, please call. Also, tomorrow, Friday, I will be out in the morning, but home most of the afternoon.

Regards,

Brit's Brat.

Honey, don't take comfort in the fact that this new friend is 15 years older and unattractive. She could be his newest enabler.

I'm not saying they are having an affair; although they could be. Based on what he's told her about you and your situation; it could be an EA.

His plan for living with you on weekdays and somewhere else on weekends is delusional.

And I have to say that I'm concerned once again for your children. For you to not know where your children were, especially since they weren't home when they were supposed to be is alarming to me considering your H is a drinking alcoholic.

As Gibby has said, your H has not hit bottom yet, so even you don't know where the bottom is; it could get alot worse before it gets any better IF it ever gets any better.

Glad you're getting the support you need from Alanon and others who are actively involved in AA. Please save yourself and your children. You're the ONLY one who can. CSue

Orchid, Gibby, BB, and CSue,

Thank You all of you, I appreciate all of your replies- I appreciate all of your heartfelt words, I am dashing out to an Alanon meeting which I need to survive this week....

I was sitting here considering in my codependent behavior a drive by to my ws's apartment or a call to that woman's house, the older woman, the 15 year older one, that I am angry with, yes I know she is another enabler, he has a new enterouge of them, sp? His landlord is an alcoholic, the older lady sounds like one, and most of his friends are too...??

I did call the attorney general and they are pushing up our court date, and I plan to get an attorney, and raise his child support if I can in any way... I wish he could get evicted... he manges to pay his bills... I am afraid he might be sleeping with that older woman, who knows? I have now cut him off in that department, I was part time for quite a while...

I am thinking of the plan b letter..

His phone is off, I have even thought of turning it on, am I nuts??/ Yes I need a meeting.

Ok, more later from me. Any of you who like email me at lisaannsmail@yahoo.com BB, I have tried you at some of your numbers and missed you some seem disconnected...??? But maybe the home one works, will try one now in the car, on the way to my meeting.

Hope to talk to you soon, if I miss you please email me and I will call you back, or look me up, I am listed by my name in the book.

Honey.

Thank you for hleping me get thruogh this. He is driving me insane blaming me, and letting me be my fault because I act nuts over it. ;(

Slow down,

There is a great deal of passion flying around right now, and it's too easy to start making very sweeping decisions.

Come up with a Plan, think out scenarios, then sleep on it and see if it is still a good plan. \

Give yourself a deadline or time that your Plan B will start, and Plan A up until then...the last thing your WH should have in his mind about you is a loving, honest, caring wife. I know, I know, hard (impossible?) to do. NO LB's.

And make a plan about how you're going to keep yourself busy during the first week (2 weeks?) so you're not tempted to contact and stay in contact. Make rules for yourself (e.g "Will only call on Friday morning about visitation and kid events, will not call any other time", "Will drive out of my way not to run in to him and OW", etc.)

Plan B worked for me.

Honey, don't take offense ....

Do you drink alcohol yourself?

Pep

Hi Still Here and Pep,

Still Here, Thanks for remindinding me to be cautious, yes, I do need to make slow decisions... I did not post the whole story here... so all of you beware of that... I do not think my fingers can type it, and I am weary from experiencing it...

Pep, Not sure what to think of that question. I am definitely not alcoholic.

Thanks to both of you, Honey

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Just for the record, many alcoholics are VERY high achievers ..... and may also be very well regarded in their community.

Gibby,

I think you may have posted this before... but what made you quit? I know everyone says natural consequences will drive my h to it? That is why I am trying to do no enabling and leave him alone... he finds enablers everywhere.... Ugh. However..... there is more to this, but I must go back to sleep....

Did your wife say you had to quit for her? It does not seem that would work for my h at all right now, he would say, whatever... at least outwardly... inwardly I think he loves and misses me, and outwardly he isn't even admitting it nowadays. THis week, that is... because I looked all over, and called his friends looking for my boys since he returned a day late with him from his weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks, H