Before the sexual affair began, my H told me that OW was emotionally unstable so he couldn't just stop talking with her because she had propositioned him. It clicked that I needed to be emotionally unstable in order to keep him from seeing her. As it turned out, he used my angry outbursts whenever he brought her up as justification for having an affair.

Now, 16 months after D-day, H tells me that OW called him in March and he told her he couldn't have contact with her because he is afraid of me. It clicked that I have to make sure he is afraid of me -- only I am learning from what happened two years ago that I won't do that.

What is he is doing in telling me that he told OW he could see her because he is afraid of me? There are all sorts of other things he could have done -- hang up the phone without a word, tell her that he would file a harassment order if she calls him again, tell her what they did was wrong and he won't go back to that again, tell her that he is a married man who has no business fooling around with a woman who is married to another man... I am offended but also curious about what this might mean....

Any insights?

That's easy--by telling her that, he evades any responsibility or action or ownership of the no-contact, thus not being 'the bad guy' to her, and in practicing no-contact, remains the 'good guy' to you.

Just a wild guess, based on my hypothesis that the MM-state is a cowardly one. It's all about self-preservation and status quo preservation--not much else.

I'm not sure I follow you. What is the status quo? How would you interpret what he said if you were calling your lover and that was what was said? Would you think that now is not a good time to call but maybe later? Is he holding out hope to her, or is he simply evading responsibility for not resuming the affair?

I appreciate your thoughts. I'm confused.

I think he is trying to keep his options open (holding out hope for her or keeping her on a string).

I can't speak to what I would expect if I called my lover...I was not in that situation.

For what it's worth, I think it's a mistake to try to decode his motives. Especially working from an OW's perspective. You said, "he said he told her". We could analyze that from at least a few different angles (did he tell you the truth? did he tell her the truth?) before we ever even get to the "why".

Do you see where this is going? You will remain confused until you get firmly grounded inside your own head. It's crazymaking to base your actions and perspective on another person's behaviors. You need to set a standard and call the person to it--if they fail, you have to then decide what to do. You and your standard must be at the forefront.

I couldn't begin, incidentally, to project "as an OW" what might be going on in your husband's OW's head. Wouldn't want to try. There are some common threads, yes, but there comes a point where studying those is unhelpful.

broken heart,

Terminator hit it on the head. Your husband tells his OW he can't see her because YOU are so unstable you might do something crazy if he did. Therefore, it's YOUR fault he can't see her -- not his. She'll be mad at YOU -- not him.

And in his mind, you can't be mad at him either, since he didn't go see the OW, now, did he?

See how nice that works?

Perhaps it's wise if OW thinks you are psycho and she's afraid of you!
At any rate, he is using you as a cop out, rather than facing his own music.
How easy is it for the WS to tell OW he's a liar, cheat and used her all the time with no feelings or intention of ever leaving his wife?
In my opinion, most WS's are putting on a facade for OP, pretending to be someone they're not.
They hope to build themselves into looking like saints, while debasing their spouse. Don't you know? It's all our (BS's fault, even if an asteroid hits earth?)
I think sometimes an A is the only way they can live their fantasy of the guy in the white hat.
We've already learned their dark sides!
Little do they realize they are simply proving how low they are and if this gives them an ego boost, something is mentally wrong with them!
Very few WS's have the real guts to stand up, say they love their spouse, always did and they're the scum bags!
They might admit it here or somewhere later, but never to the A partner in my opinion. And that leaves a big unresolved issue for the BS's.
It certainly has me.
LouLou

I don't think he loves me. He's hit me for years. AND then he had an A. BUT I don't think he loves the OW either. After all, what he did hurt her -- he talked about her enough that I called the H, and as a result she had to quit her job, and her M certainly didn't improve with this passionate relationship. He says he never intended to D me and marry her, but then -- he never intended to have an A. I appreciate your input.