What would you do if you WS wanted to come home, but had completely ruined their life...

About to be fired,
About to declare bankruptcy,
about to be evicted?

I've heard a few different takes on this:

one) this is god's way of bringing them home. showing them the implications of their poor decisions.
two) don't take them back unless they can stand on their own.

????

Do you really want WS back? If so, I'd draw some SERIOUS boundaries before allowing them to. Counseling, NC letter, financial counseling, STD testing, etc. Probably wouldn't let them back until I was sure they had a new job started. The last thing you need is someone who's only looking for a free ride.

so hurt,

From your other post about saying something untrue to get him back, I'm assuming that the situation is that YOU have to make all the concessions while he does NOTHING. This will not work, especially for you. If he has NPD, more the reason for you to figure out why you ended up with him and how to protect yourself now and in the future.

He needs to get his issues worked out (at a minimum, an income). You need to heal and find some kind of a voice for yourself that says who you are and what you need. I think now is not the time for you two to be contemplating how, or if, to have a relationship.

I felt so sad, reading this. Make it about you!

Boundaries, you definitely need to set some sort of boundaries and stick to them. Whether you reconcile or not, you do not want this to be a reoccuring theme.

Tell him how you feel. I'd be careful about rushing back into things given his current state. You need to protect yourself first before exposing yourself to him again.

He needs to work for the relationship and earn his way back in. Giving someone something for free tends to make them take it for granted.

I don't know enough about your background with him. Why is he about to be fired, bankrupt, and evicted? I have some truly wonderful friends who always seem to get into "situations" like this, and I've learned that helping them out doesn't really help them in the long run. Your H may be the same way.

wow, thanks everyone for the replies. I'm used to the less traffic on the divorcing board.

I don't know if I was WS back. It's hard, the kids are so young, he and I had such a wonderful relationship for the first 4 years we were togehter. AND even now, when we let go of the angry and let our guard down, we still "click"...

Yes, H has gotten himself in some PICKLES prior to me meeting him. Previously his parents usually bailed him out. His job... well he got in over his head. I "enabled him". I used to help him at night with work. Financially, he's always been somewhat of a spendthrift.... But with all of that said, he can be very loving and very wonderful to me... (if things are going his way I guess)... boy as I'm writing this out, I'm changing my mind again!

so I just sent him an email:

I guess my point yesterday was to ask if divorce feels right to you - regardless of all the issues - does it feel like the right thing to do? I never got an answer from you.

I know you love your family.

I know things are screwed up. I know you WEREN'T happy, because of my actions. I know your job didn't help either. I think you need a tranquil happy home life. I think you need a retreat from the pressures of life. that's what your family should be to you. I have done a lot of introspection and know that my coping techniques sucked. I did everything but create what you needed. but I always loved you.

I wasn't happy either. Reaching out to other people was exactly what created our first set of mistakes. It was awful to see it happen again before my very eyes. I can forgive, if you can learn. You resorted to the same coping techniques that caused our initial problems. I felt like a fool.

We got no where in two years - but I can say the main thing that all of this has taught me is that my family is important to me.

Do I know how to fix things? NO. Do I think we should get divorced. I don't know. I don't want to. If you want to, then I have no choice. All I can say is it doesn't feel right to me.

When we divorce, do you know what you are working towards? Creating a new family with someone else? What about J and T? Do you really want to be a father to someone else's kids, while someone else is a father to yours? That doesn't seem right.

I know you so well. You know me. We ARE compatible, or we never would have gotten married in the first place. We haven't grown apart. Even now, when we let our guard down, we always "click", and I know you feel it too.

Anyway, M... that's it. I'm always willing to talk to you.

So, back to my question. Does it feel right to you?

update: He read the email, but never answered.

So, I called him around 9:30pm. I told him I just wanted to see how he was doing. He said ok. I said I know today was probably hard on him too (the anniversary) and that just wanted to say hi. We talked a little about the kids, all friendly. then I said I emailed you eariler today. He said he got it. He then said his work is so busy, his finances are such a mess,(remember, he's about to be fired, he's considering bankruptcy, he's close to being evicted from his apartment, emotionally he's a mess, personally his life is a mess.... that he doesn't know what to say to my email. then he said a little more firmly : I just have nothing to say right now. I said Ok, well I don't want to keep you. Hope you have a good night. He said alright, talk to you later.

When I get the divorce papers, I will sign them... I will do this. As much as I never wanted to be divorced. He really has very little to offer these days. He's so close to being fired. If (when) he gets fired, he'll no longer have a car (company car). He's already been late with his rent at his apt several times, he'll probably be evicted. he says he'll then file bankruptcy. He's constantly getting collection calls (he went through a big spending spree for a while, part of the reason I had to kick him out).

Siiigggghhhhh.

Boy, life isn't fair is it.

Anyone got any comments on the:

I have nothing to say statement? I don't really know how to read that? I accepted it and didn't question him on the phone... but I have no clue what that means.

I know he isn't happy.

I believe he recently went through some some of episode (spending, blowing off work, abandon him marriage) and now he's sort of coming off of it. I also believe he doesn't understand himself and feels he needs to be a man and just live with the consequences of what he created. too much pride to come home. When I went to his apartment the other day he was just bawling (way more than me) when I kept saying I know he isn't happy. I can't believe he wouldn't to be at home with his family.

he has repeated said there's nothign left of him. why would i want him. I say because he's my family. He's my husband and my kids father. blah blah.

shameless bump. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You could take that at face value, that he has nothing to say. He may not. People are speechless for a lot of reasons: they are not in touch with their feelings, they don't want to share their feelings, they are overwhelmed by too many feelings, and shut down as a defense mechanism. (just a few examples.) You cannot live inside his head. You will shrivel up and die.

You have been supportive to the extent possible in the situation, it sounds like. But I think the time has come to detach. He is not capable of participating in relationships of the kind that you and your kids need.

He needs help beyond what you can give him, it seems to me. If he would seek some kind of counseling it would be a sign that he was taking initiative to help himself. That's where it needs to start. If you can put yourself at something of a distance, realizing this, it will be easier for you to see what you should (and shouldn't) do.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and your kids. Not only do the kids need you, they will respond to your caring, which will help and strengthen you.