Husband called last Sunday
wanted me to come over and stay the night. He wanted to talk asked
if even if I became upset over what he had to say he wanted me to
stay. So I did. He was upset because I asked him a question the
previous day and he thought he answered it truthfully the way he took
the question. But in thinking about it he decided I had asked a
different question and in this way he did not answer the question
truthfully. He told me the truth and I thanked him for being open
with me. We talked alot. I ended up spending the night and we had
married relations (a nice way to put it) We woke up in each others
arms and it happened again. ( I know too much information) He asked
me to keep staying the night (have not moved anything in yet) We
have been sleeping in the same bed now since then but last night we
styed at our marrital home. NO more relations since Sun. But it
seems he is pulling further away from me. It has been getting a
little bit worse every day. I know it is very early in this process
of recovery. He is still having a lot of trouble with his feelings.
We get along fine other than that. Things are getting so it is no so
awkward when we are with each other. We don't strain at
conversation. He apologizes for his "being far away". He asks for
my patience. I guess this is kind of a vent for me but also need
some advice. I am trying to take care of his emotional needs. We
talked about affection and the such the night we broke all the
boundries. I was telling him I was scared to hug him, to hold him
ect. Those were things I wanted to do but I did not want to push
him. He said he needed those things. So I have been trying. I get
the feeling that he is not wanting the hugs, and kisses. I have told
him as far as relations go I up for it but I am going to let him make
the move because it seems that has upset him. I need to continue to
make sure he knows I love him in words and actions. Do I keep
showing him affection? Do I completely back off? Tell him we need a
few days completely apart to think and drive my self crazy while he
and I are apart for the better of the future. He says reguardless of
what happens right now he needs me as a friend and hopefully as a
wife.I have tried to approach the what do you want me to do? He says
do what you want to do. I don't want to do anything that makes him
uncomfortable. He says anything that makes him uncomfortable he will
just have to deal with. I am so sick of hearing I am sorry. How
about please forgive me. Or just simply this aspect of affection is
too much for me now please understand and when I am ready I will tell
you. It just feels like such a game at this point. It is really
irritating. I have a patience problem and am praying for the
strength to have the patience to handle all of this. Any advice!!!
Other than counseling which he will not do at this point. He say
maybe in the near future but not now. We are such master
communicators!!! NOT!!!

Thank you for any advice and the chance to vent.

Tami

Wow Tami your timeline is really similar to mine. WS and I are both 27, married 6yrs together 9. WW moved out 7/12 and we have been living in separate places since.

You sound like you have made more progress then I have.

It is good to see there is some progress. That he came back to you and gave you a more truthful answer.

I have had the closeness then subsequent pulling back happen too. It is very difficult to figure out.

If you are in Plan A, keep fulfilling EN's as long as you can but be careful.

Patience is very important in this all. If you truly love him, you will find the patience.

Best of luck and may God Bless you!

H spent the night again last night. Seems much of his problem is forgiving himself. The guilt seems to be getting in the way of anything. I know much of this is something he needs to get past but is there anything a BS can do to help the WS with this guilt.

I have told him I am working on forgiving him. That have prayed for help from God on doing this and little by little day by day there is less resentment and slowly as I tell myself daily "I forgive him" I am starting to forgive. He told me never to forgive him. I told him I may never forget but he can not control what I do just as I can not control what he does and I need to forgive him for me and for "us" not for him.

He said how he has been a failure in everything. he said that he evidently had everyone buffaloed that everyone wanted him to stay in his job ect. He said he could not find one reason why anyone would want him around. I told him that even when he is in a bad mood when the phone rings he is cheery and happy. He is fun to be around, (I am the only one he shows his true feelings of being in a "bad" mood. In fact he sometimes takes it out on my (not physically)) He demands respect from others. He has told his town board I will do my job by the law and I don't want to hear any flack about it from you. (I told him people respect him for those things) He said he did nto deserve to be liked from anyone like the board. I told him once again it does not matter what you think you deserve you can not control other people and they will give you what the want reguardless of what you want. He said no one should ever forgive him and God does punish. I told him to is divine and if he was truely sorry for his actions and spoke to God and did not say I am sorry but instead please forgive me for XYZ God will forgive him. I said in the end it is not my forgiveness or God's forgiveness he had to worry about because those were things that would happen but he needs to worry about forgiving himself. I told him there is a difference between forgiveness and forgeting. While I don't know if I will ever truely forget I can forgive for I do love him and forgiveness is divine and with God's help H and I can be happy together. I told him I know it will not be better overnight. I know it will take a long time for him to place his thoughts of the OW back where he needs them to be and It will be a long time before I can get my feelings about OW and A out of my mind but in the begining I cried daily and thought about the A and OW all day long... Now I cry less and less and My thought are not all day long.. just several times a day. I told him I am happier when we are together. We finished talking and he was laying in bed next to me and asked if I wanted him to leave. I explained that I was not mad or upset with him. That these talks were good things so we knew how each other felt. In fact I told him that I was so not mad with him that it would not take much for>>>>>>>> Oh never mind I am sure you get it.

I can not explain my sudden urges the last few weeks of "wanting him" all the time. I am being smart about that and using protection 2 reasons... he needs to be tested and I am no longer on the pill. I know probably too much information. I think I do alot of that. I have told him that if we are doing to much to please tell me. He says that physically there is no problem with doing that.

I just hope the guilt is something he will be able to get past. He says he is having a hard time with that. I wonder if I need to tell him that by not forgiving himself he is punishing the both of us and making recovery harder. I don't know.

Thanks,

Tami