Just finished reading SAA and found it so on the mark from my point of view. Next it will go to dh who is presently reading His Needs/Her Needs and finding that very relative. A little history before my problem. Weve been married 17 years and two children 11 and 3. Dh came to me last June and said he wasn't happy. I went crying to my best friend, maid of honor at my wedding, friends for life etc etc. Soon I find out it is she, who had been planning on divorcing her dh and thats why I got her a job working for mine, has found more security with my dh. He's in love with her. We start counseling seperately and eventually he tells me he's had another affair with someone else he worked with 10 years ago. That one was sexual this one is emotional. It turns out to be a pattern soon after I have a child he feels he's not getting the attention he needs. I understand these needs are not being met on both sides. I have changed tremendously not just for him but for me as well. I like me and he does too. But I feel like I'm trying to meet his needs and he's not mine. And here is my problem. He's still working with her. He says he doesn't talk to her or interact with her but admits when he see's her his feels all those feelings. She has convinced him that for the last 20 years they've been in love. This is a couple we went on vacations together, interacted weekly. I know he was not in love with her but with me. He cannot remember a thing about our marriage before this, he has blocked it out. He says he can't quit because he has some legal issues to deal with and will take three months right now he still owns the company although the new owners are in control. She works part time at his work and part time somewhere else but she would lose money if she went to work full time at the other job and doesn't want to do it. But he has no desire to leave me or our children. He wants to learn to be a better father and a better husband, he's going to counseling but the counselor tells him that if he doesn't have control over her working there thats fine. Is he pulling the wool over my eyes again. And I'm finding it hard to full fill his needs when he won't seperate from her. Do I start plan B right away or stick out plan A for the three more months I had allowed. I'm actually hoping to fall out of love with him because I'm just tired of being hurt.

Why not call the Harleys and get some counseling?? It's a heck of a lot cheaper, in the long run, than playing it by ear and ending up getting divorced.

My opinion, your biggest block right now is the fact that he's still allowing the EA to go on. By working with her he cannot get over how he currently feels and move on enough to open himself to you. It's NC or DV most likely.

Get a third party involved (like the Harleys). You'd be surprised how much more open your spouse will be to someone else. I HATE that, but it's true. My Hubby will hear an idea that I've stated to him many times (and he never agrees with) from someone else...and all of a sudden it's a GREAT IDEA! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good luck!!

I think giving the Harleys a call is a great idea. Have you and your H read all their books? Just want to wish you a peaceful night - I know the turmoil you are going through.

Thankyou for responding with both advice and sympathy. This has been going on for a year and three months and I'm beginning to feel that this up one day and down the next is going to be my normal life forever and it scares me. After reading the SAA this week it finally hit me that he doesn't love me but he does love her. Before I always believed love for me was hidden away and would resurface. Its a hard awakening.