OK, I thought it would be a good idea to start this thread, since I don't want to hijack Queen of a Broken Heart's thread, and her encounter with OW touches a nerve for many of us.

Many of us BS have done things we never expected we would ever do - reacting with anger against our WS, or against the OP. I am talking about the straw that broke the camel's back moment - when you either hit your WS, or did something to the OP.

While I do not defend violence, I think it is important to discuss these feelings honestly. Being honest with yourself means admitting it if you do not feel guilty for doing what you did, or saying what you said. Most people who do something like this are startled and amazed that they would lose control of themselves to such a degree.

J brings up a good point - is it right to applaud someone when they "snap" and do something extreme.

I'll start the ball rolling with my own story, although including all the details would take too long to start with.

In Feb 2002, I discovered that my H was involved in an EA with a 21 yr old student of his. I discovered this by hacking into his brand new Yahoo account. Why did I hack into his e-mail account? Because I was suspicious that he might use it to be in contact with OW1, with whom he had had an EA, which I had discovered in June 2001. I was shocked to discover that he was roaring into EA2 with an entirely new woman, whom I had not even known he was friends with. As background to the kind of stress I was under, I discovered proof of EA1 2 days after I returned home after my brother's funeral. Following on from that discovery, I got pregnant by accident and had an incomplete miscarriage. The weekend after I had a D&C, our SIL committed suicide. This was in November. On the weekend she died, I was supposed to call her (she had been in hospital). I didn't call her because I was upset at finding OW1's no. on my H's cellphone. I partially blamed myself for her death. My H appeared have recovered his love and care for me after that - he showered me with X-mas presents that year. So it was a horrible shock to discover EA2 was well underway. I felt monstrously betrayed. I e-mailed him that I did not want to see or talk to him until I got my head sorted out - that I was going to see a priest and I begged him to leave me alone. That night, when I came home from work, he started a row. I was angry, but tried to get away from him by leaving the room, going into the kitchen and getting on with my own work. He followed me into the kitchen, and stood behind me as I was ironing. He taunted me about what the priest might have said to me, and told me to go ahead and call him every name in the book if it would make me feel better. He was furious that I had "invaded his privacy". Finally he reached across me to get a spoon out of the drawer.

For me, that was too much - he was TOO CLOSE to me when I had expressly asked for space earlier in the day, I had tried to get away from the fight, I was trying to control my words with him. I slammed the iron down on the board like a horse stamping his foot. LEAVE OFF was what that gesture meant. My H interpreted this as an attempt to burn him with the iron. Our eyes met, and he suddenly grabbed me by the back of the neck with one hand and my hand on the iron with the other. He was shouting at me that I was a "crazy b**tch". While he was wrestling me around the kitchen, I couldn't believe this was happening - it was so wierd - I just relaxed and almost laughed. It was bizarre.

When he finally let me go, and held me off him at arm's length, I just looked at him. I thought "no-one treats me like this!" and even though we were now at arm's length, I just hauled off and punched him one, over the eye. I was wearing a diamond ring his mother had given me for our wedding - it was sharp and cut him over the eyebrow. He was horrified - that I would dare to hit him, that I would draw blood. He stood up and left the room immediately, then left the house.

I can go into what I thought and felt later - but this is what happened. I did hit him - I take responsiblity for that.

Anyone else?

LIR

Both my fwh and I have had our times of high drama. Looking back on them, we laugh and cry, and thank the Lord no one got physically injured. Early on past d-day I asked a simple question about his affair and hubby snapped, "Why do you want to know that?". In my mind the answer came, "Because it's my life too you nincompoop and I should be able to know what happened in it!" But, something in me snapped at the audacity of it all, and without uttering an intelligible word, I proceeded to go psycho, banging my fists against anything and everything in the car, then ripped the visor off the windshield and threw it out the door.
His worst snap came when we were having a nasty verbal clash, also early on after d-day. (thank goodness we do progress and learn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I threw on a killer leather outfit as we yelled back and forth--complete with high heeled boots--and said I was leaving to go to a bar and get me some of what he got. I stomped off toward the stairs, got about three steps down when he actually grabbed me BY THE HAIR and YANKED me bodily back into the bedroom. (We are both non-violent, fairly well-educated types normally...NEVER experienced anything so wild-eyed and out-of-control before.)
We were both so shaken by what had just happened between us that we cried together for a long time afterward.
Gosh, writing it down, I realize again what a hell this process has been. Still, it is worth it to salvage our marriage. Just wish we could get there without all the mistakes and mess.
Well, I'm embarrassed now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Maybe I will help someone else realize they are not alone in having times of not being in control. Pass the psychiatrist please!

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

No major snapping moments, yet, but about 10 days ago, WS really felt he was getting to that point. I could see it in his eyes, but I kept pushing. I think the only thing that saved him (and me) was that his parents were arriving in a few hours.
I have not got to that point with WS. I'm very good at arguing till the cows come home without it getting physical.
And so far, I don't have the those feelings towards OW. I probably relate to her more than hate her. She is young and has no clue what she got herself into.

On D-Day, 9 mos. ago, I tracked down WH in a bar and found him with OW. It all clicked! And 20 yrs of my life came crumbling down on me, I was overwhelmed with emotion. He stood up when I approached him and without a moment's thought or hesitation, I sucker punched him in the gut, I started yelling at him, hitting more, until I was "escorted" out of the bar. He followed me outside, where the scene continued until the cops appeared. At that point, WH had me in hold from behind to prevent me from harming myself or him, he was trying to calm me. I was extremely distraught during those moments and then completely exhausted and numb.
Was that me who just did that? Mrs. Conflict Avoider? I usually hold everything inside! Was it justified? I don't know, all I know is that I had no control for those few minutes. I know that it threw WH for a loop as he had to have known what he had done to me for me to act that way! In hindsight, I have thought about the impact it might have had, had I been calm, cool and collected about the whole thing. Would it have changed anything, did I set things in motion by giving WH the idea that there was no turning back?

Now, 9 mos. later, WH's anger is out of control, for the first time he has shown anger in a physical way, and I have a Protection order against him. Double Standard? Maybe.

All I know is that on D-Day, my world was destroyed in a moment, and I completely lost it!

So no I don't condone violence, but sometimes,in certain situations, for women anyways(and I know that is being biased), it's more of a standing up for yourself against the "bullies" sort of thing, it can be frightening, it can be enlightening, it can be empowering in a way, but it can also be dangerous, of course.
Just my thoughts.

I didn't get physical but sometimes I wish I had.

D-day came in the middle of our own adoption of two boys from Russia. Knowing that his lover had just given birth to their daughter, my H allowed us to enter a foster care situation. We hosted these two wonderful children from Russia for a summer as a chance to get to know them and decide if we would be able/willing to adopt them.

They were wonderful kids, life was good, I was falling in love with my H all over again because we were finally (after 18 years) going to be parents.

When I found out he had had an affair and a child...well there are no words to explain the fury, grief, horror. If I divorced him, I would never be allowed to adopt these two children I had loved, held, bathed, and fed. I forced myself to stay in the marriage and because I had always heard that you should never spend a night apart in anger, I didn't even take a cooling off period of a couple of weeks. We got right down to trying to fix the marriage.

How I snapped was I became suicidal. I had stashes of pills, bottles of poisons and I went shopping for guns. I had the place and the time picked out--blow my brains out on the white living room sofa against the white living room wall. In other fantasies, I got him first and then myself. Who are we kidding I felt homicidal too?

I checked myself into the psychiatric unit for a week and then a day hospital for 6 weeks following. I took an extended leave of absence from work and I stopped trying to fix the marriage until I could fix me.

Fast forward three years--restored marriage, restored mental health and two wonderful children--yup, the same two we had hosted.

I like this thread--a lot. I hope we just don't wind up approving of violence--against others or against ourselves.

MJ