Just a general question...would like as many responses/opinions from both WS's & BS's as you all care to weigh in on

QUESTION: Reading on here it always seems that the BS is trying to "save things" (not always) but in most threads I read...

Why is that? Does that mean by definition are most affairs "exit affairs" where the WS figures
"Screw It...I want a divorce anyway"

D-Day comes the BS's is shocked, angered, depressed, LB's all over the place...then settles down and BAM...Things go down hill. Like the WS has nothing left.

Why is that? Shouldn't it be the other way around...at least to some extent?

Would like everyones's .02 cents

Thanks

Rly

I can't answer for everyone but I can about my sitch.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by rlyhurtin:
<strong>

QUESTION: Reading on here it always seems that the BS is trying to "save things" (not always) but in most threads I read...</strong>

Im average looking at best. No one threw themselves at me my whole life. I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me. My WW on the other hand was always attractive always got lots of attention, until she put on weight and kept on for many years. It didn't bother me but I'm sure she missed the attention she used to get. She gets a bug, looses the weight and bingo, a number of men are paying attention again. Her desperation to prove she still had it went to far.
I'm trying hard to save my marriage. My wife is all I had and all I wanted. My W is intoxicated by all the sudden attention. She can have anything she wants now and our marriage was in the way. There is no doubt that there were other factor that came into play. Some my fault and some not.

<strong>Why is that? Does that mean by definition are most affairs "exit affairs" where the WS figures
"Screw It...I want a divorce anyway"</strong>

I think so in my case. I just don't know if after she gets the DV if she'll think it was all worth while. I don't think so, but she is caught up in all the passion of her affair with someone new.

<strong>D-Day comes the BS's is shocked, angered, depressed, LB's all over the place...then settles down and BAM...Things go down hill. Like the WS has nothing left.

Why is that? Shouldn't it be the other way around...at least to some extent?</strong>

My ego is so squashed by the affair that I don't want anything exept my life back with the woman I love. She isn't thinking about our marriage anymore, she is caught up in the thrill of sexual conquests. The better she does the more depressed I get. I do wish it were the other way around. If I was attractive to women the way she is to men and if I was morally weak, I wouldn't give a damn if she came back or not. I would have confidence that I could find someone else. But for better or worse, I am not like that.

I am still wondering, if I get her back, what will I have?

Monty-

Thanks for your reply, sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds all too familiar doesn't it.

I am truly sorry, buddy. Hang in there and as my MB buddies have told me in essence is "You don't want her like this anyway." Painful words to hear but true nonetheless.

Still would like to hear some more opinions on the subject of that most affairs seeming like exit affairs because they wanted out anyway.

Exit affairs is an explanation -- but I think my H has had an A addiction. He didn't want to end this one, but got sucked in. Not much I can do.

rly:

I think it looks like it's the BSs trying 2 save their M's because, if they weren't, they might not ever show up here.

-2long

I think this site is a bit self-selecting, ie only BS feel at home here who want to save things. Maybe there's a whole raft of others out there who, upon d-day, simply say f*** it and leave.

quote:

QUESTION: Reading on here it always seems that the BS is trying to "save things" (not always) but in most threads I read...

And have you noticed that as long as they keep trying to "save things" that things are not saved. It is usually only when the WS starts to view the BS as letting go of things, that things get saved.

Why is that? Does that mean by definition are most affairs "exit affairs" where the WS figures

In most cases, the humdrum of everyday life and the human nature of escaping from boredom, coupled with low self esteem , causes the WS to search for that escape from these things and want something to "feel excited" about.... BAM, along comes another person that gives them that feeling, and presto, you have the recipe for wanting out... Then the WS continues to follow those feelings because they are comparing the new ones to the ones they had with you.

D-Day comes the BS's is shocked, angered, depressed, LB's all over the place...then settles down and BAM...Things go down hill. Like the WS has nothing left.

That's because of the low self esteem and lack of confidence of the BS... As long as you keep fighting for what YOU want, and not what the WS wants, it causes friction and pressure... which NEVER WORK TO SAVE A RELATIONSHIP.. It just pushes them further away...

Why is that? Shouldn't it be the other way around...at least to some extent?

It is the other way around when the BS shows the WS that they have let go. Read the threads of the WS's on here that want the BS back now.. You will notice that the BS let go, and stopped all pursuit and talk of "saving the relationship"... once the WS sensed that, you will hear them saying "I suddenly came out of the fog." And most times all of this was done without a plan B letter and more with a quiet letting go and seeming to move on....

I'd like to reply, but I'm not sure I understand the question.

I'll tell you why my husband cheated on me.

He cheated on me because he thought I didn't love him. He didn't even conciously think it would hurt me because to him, I was acting like I didn't care about what he did.

I wasn't shocked and depressed when I learned of the affair. Just angered. I had been trying to work on the marriage, asking my husband to help us get better, and he had been unwilling. He didn't realize until after he slept with another woman the mistakes that he was making in not talking with me about his feelings. He didn't think to find out WHY I felt like I didn't love him.

BAM...things go downhill?

I don't get it. All I've read about is ups and downs. Are there lots of downhills? Of course BSs are angry, but most that are on this site are "plan Aing", being the best that they can be.

Shouldn't what be the other way around?

Yeah, I'd love for my husband to beg for my forgiveness, and grovel for me back, but I'm not going to make him do that, because I love him, whether or not he made this huge mistake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Keepmvn4wrd:
<strong>

It is the other way around when the BS shows the WS that they have let go. Read the threads of the WS's on here that want the BS back now.. You will notice that the BS let go, and stopped all pursuit and talk of "saving the relationship"... once the WS sensed that, you will hear them saying "I suddenly came out of the fog." And most times all of this was done without a plan B letter and more with a quiet letting go and seeming to move on....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!

I have been seeing the same thing! Plan B is good for fixing yourself but the WS still thinks they can have you when ever they want you back, IF they ever want you back. They feel they have the power, and I believe they really do because they feel the BS is a pretty safe bet.

WOW!

Thanks for all of your responses!

I see (and you all have told me before) that the BS needs to "move on"

Beleive me people, I have had minimal contact, I don't pursue, I have even dated. ( Which of course she turned right around and told my 7-5- & 2 year old daughters about) I was furious. She said that they should know the "truth"--I have the kids 4 out of 7 nites and they really were quite upset by the fact their Mommy told them I went out on date. I NEVER-NEVER tell my daughters that "Mommy dated while we we married
and then dumped me"

They don't need that now. Other than that I am a helpful Dad. We don't talk about anything other than my daughters, what other things send a sure signal that you are moving on (Even though you may not have on the inside)

Rly

She is very angry because she can no longer control or manipulate you so now she is using the kids to get back at you. I hope this convinces you once and for all what kind of woman and mother she is, and how she hasn't learned anything from her divorce except to become more bitter and vindictive. But for your sake and that of your children, please don't respond to her when she pulls this crap in the future for she'll learn that this is a form of pushing your buttons. Instead comfort your children as best as you can and pray to God that she wakes up to the damage she is inflicting on the children.

Good luck and God bless.