We have been in recovery for about 3 months. I am the WS. It is a long story, but shortly after marriage my W put on 40 pounds and gained more thereafter. We were military and separated for a few months after marriage. She was on the weight program and did not tell me before we got married. She was afraid I would not marry her. I have been harborign this ill feeling since. When we finally got together, she looked very different. Yes, a long time ago. It has always been a sore subject and anytime I brought it up an argument broke out. We don't believe in D and I could not bring up the need for an attractive spouse to my family as I would probably be called shallow...and yes even in this MB forum (as I have been reading posts for a couple of months). When I spoke to my brother a few months ago to get help, he called me shallow. We do not have any kids--I feared she would get bigger and the weight would never go away. I never left because I always had hope she would lose the weight. I began having PAs 4 years after marriage to have this EN need met. Typically on a business trip and it was never EA. Tested for STDs and used condoms. My brother was going through a D and I could not bear to tell my family I was having trouble with the "looks" of my spouse. She is a good person with whom I get along with great. See, I am the "good" son and have always done well at life. I quit the one night PAs in 1995 and resolved to stop everything and the weight problem was just mine to deal with...how wrong I was. At home, we quit doing things together, the weight increased and my love went to nothing...love bank was empty!!! The BS gave up on trying to lose weight because I never fussed anymore. Then I met a yonger woman at work and we became friends. We talked and soon became attracted. She is in a bad marriage and won't 'fess up to the issues (another story). I fell deeply in love with her. We had a PA without intercourse. She told her husband and I told my wife of the E/PA. Two days later she went back home and gave me a NC. Although she did not really love him, she said her religious beliefs would not let her leave him. I have not seen her close up since, but she sent a couple of e-mails and called me about 2 weeks after d-day. I ordered HNHN and SAA and told to her I was in withdrawl and could not afford to see her. I got a NC e-mail from the husband, too. Two weeks later they come driving by my house--he did not know where I lived and the four of us we on the street. I was broken hearted and cried when we got back home. It was the first time I had seen her since her NC an dI was upset and missing her. The following Thursday she sent an e-mail "from her pastor" to many people in the Blind CC format so no one culd see the recipients. I replied back for her to take me off her address list. It went "deleted-not read". So I forwarded it to her husband. I wrote her a letter explaining all my pain and told her to leave me alone. Then called OW with my wife's permission (all contact was revealed to my wife) and told her we could not be friends and not to contact me any more. OW was upset I forwarded the e-mail to her husband. NC since (6 weeks ago).

I miss the OW and still love her dearly. I am not in love with my wife and we are going to counsleing to try and fix our M. I am harboring ill feelings about the weight and deception of years ago. My wife is now losing weight and I feel angry that she could not have done this years ago. I plan on moving out 1 Oct after a business trip. I want to fix my marriage, but yet still have feelings for the OW and must give them up for anything to work. We get along fine, but I cannot meet BS ENs in my present state of mind. Yes, a hurting dude.

Any ideas?

Hurtingdude,

It's late and I'm tired and I've got to go to bed, but it does sound like you are caught up in a whole lot of justifications. The "deception" you are talking before your wedding -- that your wife was in some sort of Weight Watchers program -- seems a very small one to cause so much ill feeling. Is it a "deception" if I don't tell my fiance that I have long, heavy periods with cramping? Or that I am on PMS medication? Or that I have to remove extra body hair from my naval? Or if you don't tell her that you are quickly balding? Or watch too much sports on weekends?

We all have all sorts of things we don't tell our fiance/fiancee -- because we want them to believe we are beautiful and wonderful all the time. I doubt your wife planned to gain forty pounds in your absence ... your absence may have had something to do with it.

However, it does sound like you have a big-time issue with weight. It turns you off. Why not just deal with it that simply, without the rationalizations?

You also have a problem with adultery, and I'd say that's bigger. Fortunately, that's what we're here for.

You'll get smarter posts from other people in the a.m., I expect. They will be less tired than I am right now.

With a slightly different attitude, you could view her weight as a marital problem, rather than as "her" problem. You could help her with exercise, better eating habits, etc.

This is of course a sensitive area -- but you could work together, rather than blame.

Man, I've been where you are...it's really tough. I bet you are wondering if staying with your wife is the right thing to do. I did for a long time.

I used to be one of those people who would've called you shallow over your need for an attractive spouse. Not any more. This is absolutely a valid need that your spouse must address.

Withdrawal seriously sucks. It takes time and strict no contact to make it through it. You said your wife is losing weight. It sounds like she GETS IT! Be there to encourage her. Find ways to reward her. Be excited with her!

As for all those other people who would run you down because looks are important to you, ignore them. It would be like you calling a woman a gold digger if she had a need for financial security. No sense in that.

Let go of the resentment. I have seen women who get into "fighting form" between relationships and balloon once they secure a relationship, but I honestly don't think they do this to hurt or deceive the men they meet. For most men and women, maintaining good shape is A LOT OF WORK. We all tend to get lazy in relationships. We men tend to stop 'the chase' and women tend to be less attentive to their appearance because they know they'll be loved anyway.

One last piece of advice...
Some (probably most here) will disagree with this, but you absolutely must not tell your wife when you are feeling down because you are missing the OW. Find a trusted friend to confide in. Sucking up this pain is the consequence and curse of being a wayward spouse. Your wife isn't stupid. She knows you miss the OW. Just don't rub it in her face.

Low

Have you printed out the EN's questionnaire for the two of you to fill out? I am guessing that you wife has some problems/needs and food is her friend.

Once you know what her needs are and she knows what your needs are then the two of you need to come up with a plan to meet each others needs. The fruits of that labor are tremendous!

I would also set up an appointment with the Harley's for the two of you.

Is your W reading SAA and HNHN's?

I would also recommend getting you and your W into IC. Sounds like you have some passive agressive issues and possibly are a conflict avoider (these are what lead to my FWH's A).

Sounds like your wife has some issues she needs to identify that lead to her over eating.

One thing my H and I did to meet each others needs was to start working out together. We go to the gym 4-5 nights a week, bike at least a couple times a week, play volleyball, walk, play with kids,etc. All this leads to together time and physical and mental health.

This helps us meet each others needs for Physical Attractiveness and Need to spend Recreational time together.

We are both in awesome shape and at our ideal weights as a side benefit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtingdude:
<strong>I never left because I always had hope she would lose the weight. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe this is the reason you never left your W.

I think it might help you if you think about this quote of yours .... take some time and see if you can come up with a profound, and more deeply personal ownership of why you decided to betray your wife instead of leave her.

See .... the way you state this reason for staying makes you appear like a good guy ... while you choose to betray your W.

I think you are a man with really good qualities, and you are selling yourself short with this superficial explaination of why you stayed.

Go deeper.

Pep

Dear Hurting,

I know that you are in a tough situation here, but really, your wife's weight issue is not the real reason why. Men don't stray because their wife puts on weight. Men stray because they aren't happy with themselves. Men stray because they don't have the guts to say to their wife, I can't handle the weight and it's so difficult for me that I am asking you for a divorce so I can find another mate.

Until you come to grips with the fact that you did this because you wanted to, you aren't ready to heal yourself or your marriage.

I don't think that you are a bad person for having a problem with your wife's size. I think that you have a problem because you've chosen to handle it in a very hurtful way. You're trying to make her feel like this is her fault and it is not her fault. It's all you.

Have you tried to find out what the issues are behind her weight? She may not have any, but that's pretty rare. It would be healing for her if you could help her to find out what is behind her weight issues, just like you need to find out how and why you have the ability to lead a double life.

You think that it is all about her, but I would bet that you would have done this no matter what. You'd just need to have found another excuse. Now that my H is recovered that is what he believes..that he would have done this to any woman. It was all him.

You say that you both don't believe in divorce. What does that mean in light of your infidelities? You believe in infidelity, but not divorce?

Your wife deserves someone who will love her for who she is. So did the women that you were with while traveling. Maybe they wouldn't have been with you if they'd known that you were ONLY with them because of the size of their bodies.

I'm not saying that she shouldn't try to slim down because it pleases you. That would be a sacrifice on her part that would be generous of her to make for you. I'm just saying that by blaming the affairs on her, you are asking her to become like the OW in order to please you. That seems unfair.

I hope that you'll take complete responsibility for your betrayals. I hope you'll be totally honest with her about all of them. I hope that you'll reassure her that this is your problem and that you really do want to get to the bottom of it. That's what will bring healing to both of you.

Stillwed

I accept full responsiblilty for my actions. The OWs were fully aware I was married--I never took off the wedding band. When the family will shun you for your feelings it makes it very easy for other outs and justifications. The PA were an escape that no one knew except me--my little secret and I turned into pretty good actor--how shameful!! I never wanted to be divorced and when my brother and sister went thru that, I could not as the "good" son--so the PA were my out.

I need to fill in a couple of holes. The last few months before the wedding we were not living near each other and the weight was starting to come. We both WERE active in outdoor activities and this was talked about many times. I am a soccer ref and run several times a week--the BS could ride while I ran. The BS quit doing things even though I asked on many, many occasions to the point where fights started. There was excercise equipment gathering dust, along with tennis shoes, a new bike from Christmas 2002 and also a dog that wasn't getting walked by us together--only me. It was easy for her to sit on the couch or get that extra 20 minutes in bed--even though I asked for her to come along. Yeah, over a few months I quit asking. That has changed and I am glad! All these activites I tried to be done together. Yes, there is some trouble behind the eating and that is where the counseling is coming in.

It seems the physical attraction negative replies come from women. There is the chapter in HNHN about an attractive wife need, then it can't be just me that has this issue and I am not shallow--if you believe the Harley priciples of needs being met. The BS put on 100 pounds and barked at me when it was brought up. I had PA to build up my self esteem and have that need filled. I do not expect a size two, as I did not marry one--but I offered help and it was refused. All our bodies change as we get older, but when someone does not care, it makes it hard to deal with. I do not accept infidelity and am remorseful for the wrongs I have committed and confesssed all to the BS, including names. The past is done and I am looking to heal. I have also been forgiven. We have read the books and completed the Q. We have always gotten along fine and settled issues without much fan fair. The recent A was the first to be an EA. I cannot seem to shake the OW. Time and distance will do wonders. I appreciate LOWORBIT letting me know I am not alone. All the responses will go along way to getting me in the right frame of mind. I want to get better and repair the M. I have to be able to meet the BS needs and the OW is still on my mind. The BS knows I have the OW on my mind when I do not sleep and cannot talk about it to her. This is not fair and is a LB for sure!! I am moving out (with POJA) to a local suite hotel and get some space with promised NC. We are both in agreement. I go out of country for a couple of weeks starting 19 Sep 03 and this might bring some clearness to my head. I can read the forum at work but cannot reply until I get home. I feel better each day and know this will take time--I am willing to work it out and the BS is too. We had agreat dinner together tonight and walked the dog after. I appreciate the responses, even if I sound defensive.

Another day, another late night, hurting dude. A few thoughts about your wife: I have a feeling she is just not a body person. I have a feeling that that's part of why you were attracted to her. You may not be attracted to overweight women, but the fact that she's an "opposite" probably had some attractional pull.

I know a little about that. The men I've been attracted to tend to be like you -- athletic. I, on the other hand, prefer staying in bed. Fortunately, I am on the thin side, but it has not always been so. And I can say, thin as I am, there is not a muscle in my body that is evident.

She can work on her weight, and you can help her if you do it in the right way -- but she's probably never going to be an early-rise jogger. She might have been doing that to please you.

And part of you might not like being with an early-rise jogger. There's a downside to that, too.

I agree with the others: I think this is masking a whole lot of other issues.

HD-

Weight is a really difficult issue for many women to deal with because not only is it simply super hard to lose weight in the first place, most people tend to look at fatness as a major character flaw or personal shortcoming.

When I first met and married my H, I was a tiny size 4. I stayed a lean, size 4 for two or three years - but when I returned full time to school, the freshman 15, turned into a whopping 85 lbs. My H told me he was no longer attracted to me. I was trying to lose weight - but nothing seemed to work. I was so frustrated and scared.

I don't fault men for having AS as a legitimate EN. I too need an attractive spouse. I wouldn't be happy with a fat, hairy, smelly, farting husband. I have no problem with trying my hardest to meet this need.

Last year - I got on a medically supervised diet and lost all the weight. I am now smaller than when we first met - I fit into a junior's 3/4 and most size 2.

As he suggested, I had my hair dyed blonde. I wear makeup and jewelry and dress in clothing that he finds attractive.

Ironic now that I've lost the weight, and I am at the most well groomed and attractive that I have ever been in my life - that my H decides to have an affair.

My H suffered through 5 years of my fatness. He didn't like it, but he was faithful. Her size did not cause you to have an affair - you caused you to have an affair. There is no excuse, no justification...you betrayed your spouse. There are countless things you could have done instead. Obviously if one approach caused arguments, you should have tried a different approach. Instead, you chose to "escape" by having an affair.

Hurtingdude,
I know where your coming from... My H is a bit nerdy and not really up with the times. Also he has gained weight too... I've talked to him about it and thank god, he is very attentive to my needs and started a weight loss program, and is now starting to get up to speed with all the latest clothes, hair dos and music... he even wrote a poem and is going to make me a music CD... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

These are the very qualities I loved about OMM. He was "hip"... a good writer, and knew how to express himself. A romantic at heart. I told H about these qualities, and since then, he has been making changes slowly. I still need to get him to let go of some of the wardrobe though...

I don't see anything wrong with your needs. I am in semi-good shape, quite hip and pay special attention to my appearance. My OMM said he appreicated that very much. So does my H. Now, I know looks arn't everything, but it sure does keep the fire burning hot... I think a woman or man who takes care of themselves, radiates confidence that is sexy......... Just my .02.

Hang in there and tell what you need. She can't do anything about it if you stay silent...

MJ

PS, I am a WS too, and been in NC for almost 4 mos. and trust me... it does get easier!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

I am moving out (with POJA) to a local suite hotel and get some space with promised NC.

Dude!!! Don't do this! The first reason is that you can't work on your marriage as well if you're living apart. The second reason is that YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP YOUR PROMISE OF NC!!! I know this from experience. The withdrawal will be too hard for you to manage alone. You need your wife to help you. She will hold you accountable daily. If you're out, it will be way to easy to 'have a bad day' and 'slip'. I'm not saying you should go crying to her about how tough it is...I'm saying that seeing her there in the house with you every morning and evening will remind you of your commitment to her.

Another thing - the people who are saying that you are not taking responsibility for your actions are misinterpreting your words. I know that you take responsibility...I think you are trying to say that you now understand why you did what you did (not that it was right or justified). Ok...so now that you have a better understanding what makes your clock tick, what would you do different? This unhappiness you felt may very well crop up again in your marriage...how will you handle it differently?

Stay home, Dude

Low

I can def relate to this topic and much of your story sounds familiar. I too was small when I married 17 years ago and slowly gained weight. But not til the last three years did I pack on an extra 30 lbs to bring the grand total to 70 lbs over my marriage weight. It wasn't until recently a year and 1/2 after this started that he could finally even tell me that my weight was an issue. Of course its always been an issue for me and I've tried everything in the books and nothing worked. And it wasn't until counseling that I realized why I eat. Because I don't express my feelings towards people especially my husband who travels for aliving and has not been meeting my needs. Its amazing what learning why you do it can change the outcome. I have been losing weight slowly and still have setbacks always due to emotional reasons. Our counselor has told my husband that 90% of a spouses success in losing weight is to have the support of the other spouse. He's trying but still says hurtful things. Like I'm not touching you until you lose weight. And to tell the truth I don't have a problem with him needing an attractive spouse, now. I use to think how shallow it is but I wasn't happy either being heavy. I want my husband to be proud of me on his arm as much as he wants to also. My only problem is how he goes about it and that he finds his OW my old best friend so attractive as she has been heavy for years also and only recently lost weight. I guess she was fulfilling his needs when I wasn't.

When went to see the MC yesterday, the BS was also wanting to get out of house. She feels like it is on her to fix it all, when it is not. I have told her that repeatedly. We both have to work and are trying to go at it together.

It has been 6 weeks since NC. The OW lives within 5 miles and works within 200 yards in another building and I have not seen her or talked. I will NOT contact her. That is why I am trying to get over her.

When we are home together we get along good, but BS is also angry at me for the many years of my PAs. My job takes me away from home several times a year. Hers does not and she wants to have some time away to cope with her feelings regarding her life. My Love Bank for the BS dwindled in the negative balance for the last few years and seeing her overweight continues the negative deposits. I care about her, but the passion has gone--the burner is out, but the pilot light is still on. I can't tell her that I love her--yet, as it is not my feeling. We will "date" and spend time together doing a jointly agreed activity with the other 3-4 days a week, minimum. This is not the second step out the door.

I have turned over a new leaf and have told my family about our difficulties. Surprisingly with good results and support. The days of hiding feelings are done!! If a new problem arises, the views will be spoken, regardless of the pain. The pain of secrets and hiding my/our feelings hurts too much to do it again. The honesty, even if we do not like the feeling of the other, is far better than the revelation of lies.

I go to P'stan this afternoon and won't be back for 10 days. The break from work and environment of the OW, I hope, will go a long way to healing my resentment and get me to stop having the love feelings for the OW.

WE feel that what we are doing will work. It has been almost 3 months since d-day and I feel a little better, but not like I am healing. The BS doesn't either. We are trying and doing a lot of talking. I will try and get on line in P'stan.

Thanks for the help!!

Hope your trip clears your head a bit and helps you get your priorities in order.

One suggestion: your posts keep referring to "the BS". She's your wife - may give you a more positive outlook if you refer to her as such.

Good luck with your recovery.

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

How are things going, HD?