Hi everyone, I really need some advice on how to stop obsessing about the affair. I feel like I think about it waaay too much.

D-day was 8 months ago, but in some ways it might as well just been yesterday because I still hurt so bad. My husband's shown very little remorse, so I think that's the biggest reason I'm having a hard time getting past this. Even though he doesn't come right out and say "get over it", I feel like he very much so has a you need to get over it type attitude. When I cry about it, sometimes he'll try to hold me in his arms to comfort me, but more often that not he just seems almost annoyed by it.

I didn't discover and buy the Surviving an Affair book until just recently. It dawned on me today, that maybe the reason my husband hasn't shown this outpouring of remorse that I so desire is that I haven't consistently been meeting all of his top five emotional needs. (We both took the quiz recently). So, maybe if I work hard on meeting his emotional needs, it will in turn make him happier with me, and then he'll be more inclined to feel more badly about what he did?

It seems like it makes sense to try this, but it is so hard because I hold ALOT of anger and resentment towards him for cheating on me.

I NEVER did any type of plan A with him really because I didn't even discover that concept until just recently when I got the S.A. book, so it's a little too late for that now isn't it? Actually, I read about something similar in the Divorce Busting book which inspired me to just grit my teeth and be really sweet to him. He almost immediately responded in kind and was really sweet back to me. I NEVER can stay this way for long though, because I guess I'm just not patient enough. I think the longest I lasted like this just being super sweet with NO mention of the affair was maybe 3 days, and although he was sweet since I wasn't getting the sincere apology/remorse that I wanted, I went back to being *****y which is NOT what I was like before D-day, I just have so much anger and resentment towards him now that I find it very hard NOT to be that way most of the time, which I imagine might help him try to in his mind justify his affair which obviously is counter productive in getting him to show me remorse.

In case you're wondering why I don't think my husband seems remorseful, is that in addition to not even once crying or even tearing up over what he's done to me (he tells me he's not the crying type ), he's done alot of disrespectful things to me since March when he asked me to come back home. Mainly, leaving work early and sneaking out to bars with his friends when he had made an agreement with me not to go to bars anymore unless I went with him. The most recent time he did this was about a month ago where I later found out he had not only drank alot at the bar, but smoked pot with one of his buddies afterwards which was ALSO something he had promised me he wouldn't do ever again. Prior to that, he snuck out to bars I think about 5 or 6 times in the past eight months. Because of all of this, I've often thought maybe it would be better just to divorce him because he's caused me so much pain, but on the other hand we have a 5 year old daughter that was just devastated without daddy the month he was living with his parents/seeing OW, so I can't imagine how badly she'd react to a divorce. So for her sake, I am at least willing to try and work things out with him. But, whatever I'm doing is obviously not working, so that's why I'm seeking advice from you guys.

Sorry for the length of this post. Any advice/insight into our situation would be much appreciated. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hsmommyto1:
<strong>Hi everyone, I really need some advice on how to stop obsessing about the affair. I feel like I think about it waaay too much.....

.....I wasn't getting the sincere apology/remorse that I wanted, I went back to being *****y which is NOT what I was like before D-day, I just have so much anger and resentment towards him now that I find it very hard NOT to be that way most of the time, which I imagine might help him try to in his mind justify his affair which obviously is counter productive in getting him to show me remorse.

....leaving work early and sneaking out to bars with his friends when he had made an agreement with me not to go to bars anymore unless I went with him. The most recent time he did this was about a month ago where I later found out he had not only drank alot at the bar, but smoked pot with one of his buddies afterwards which was ALSO something he had promised me he wouldn't do ever again. Prior to that, he snuck out to bars I think about 5 or 6 times in the past eight months. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think you can't stop thinking about the affair because your H is still acting deceptively and not being totally honest?

How did you find out about his smoking pot and sneaking out to bars without you?

hsmommyto1, sounds like your H is not engaged in helping to heal the marriage as you are.
He breaks agreements and is still doing as he pleases.
Have you gotten counseling for yourself, and have you ask H to go for counseling?
As for having a 5 yr old child and working to stay for her benefit, my view on that is this.
What type of father is he making for her? If he's not making mommy happy, this shows and has a bad effect on her environment as well.
Just having a man who is present sometimes physically, but absent mentally and emotionally is not doing her or YOU, one bit of good.
I obsessed a lot over the A, and it's been 2 yrs and I still have triggers and many bad days and nights. While the talking of it has lessened, I think that only came from finally hearing my H show remorse, repentance and regret. Hearing it, not just showing it.
Your H is not giving you the secure feelings you deserve. And without them, I doubt you can stop obsessing, feeling suspicion, or get over it. You can't change your feelings while he's still in the same mode.
It sounds like Your H is expecting you to make everyone happy while he stays in a selfish, self centered mode. Time for a real talk, and to put your expectations on the table.
Others are very familar with the plans here, so maybe you'll get better advice from them on how to work them.
But I know one thing for certain. You aren't going to salvage a marriage by yourself! And if you can't get H to be a part of the healing, then you may just have to walk away and leave him.
Why put a child in a living hell for a dysfunctional marriage?
Never accept that two are better than one when one is not being responsible.
As for you going to the bars with him? Um, how about he gives up bars altogether? Your child deserves better than two barflys! I'm not against an ocassional night out, but as a regular pasttime, it is not an environment for you either!
LouLou