Well...I've gone and done it. After 30 years of being faithful in marriage, I've had an affair. Didn't last long; it was with a high school GF I haven't even seen since years before my wife and I were married.

Not sure that I want to, but I'm thinking that I ought to at least try to make things work with my wife.

So...I guess it's Plan A, if I can make it work. The problem is, how do I tell my wife?

I'm open to any suggestions.

FWIW, there's no violence in our relationship, so that's not a concern. And while the OW and I had sex, the relationship - for me, at least -- wasn't about sex.

TIA,
__J

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaman:
<strong>Well...I've gone and done it. After 30 years of being faithful in marriage, I've had an affair. Didn't last long; it was with a high school GF I haven't even seen since years before my wife and I were married.

Not sure that I want to, but I'm thinking that I ought to at least try to make things work with my wife.

So...I guess it's Plan A, if I can make it work. The problem is, how do I tell my wife?

I'm open to any suggestions.

FWIW, there's no violence in our relationship, so that's not a concern. And while the OW and I had sex, the relationship - for me, at least -- wasn't about sex.

TIA,
__J</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do realize the fact that it WASN'T about sex for you makes it worse, not better, right? For women, an emotional attachment is more serious than sex.

I think you are smart to realize you have to tell her. I don't know how to tell you to tell her. My style is straight out in a factual sense. It will be important to her to hear that you love her and not the OW. Others here are better equipped than I in helping you break the news. Good luck, javaman!

Javaman (loved that name, I wonder why? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) welcome to MB.

I recommend that you first read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair','His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' and Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' to arm yourself with some of the best knowledge there in regards to dealing with affairs and the recovery from them. Also read all the important articles from Dr Harley (some of them I have direct links below my signature).

FYI Plan A is for the BS(betrayed spouse, your wife), not the WS(wayward spouse, you) to negotiate with the WS to totally separate from the OP(other person, lover) without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements or selfish demands. Since your A is already over, there is no need for your W(wife) to negotiate with you to end your A, BUT that doesn't mean that you (or her) can start love busting each other again.

There is no way around the pain but she does deserve to know the truth so that she can decide whether she wants to continue to remain married to your or divorce you. There can be no true intimacy if there is a wall of secrecy that lies between you that is due to your A.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Melody...thanks for the kind words. One problem is, I still love the OW. Deeply. Probably always will. I mean, this girl really, truly, deeply touched me. A large part of the pangs I feel are due to the knowledge that if I had simply not said "yes" to her advances, then all this hurt wouldn't exist today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

TooMuchCoffee...I'll definately read up on the matter before taking further steps. The thing is, we've been married for almost 30 years, and my wife isn't stupid. And she knows me as well as I do her...which is pretty darn well.

Oh yes..the java in javaman has to do with writing software, not a cupa jo.

Thanks to both of you,
__J

javaman,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One problem is, I still love the OW. Deeply. Probably always will. I mean, this girl really, truly, deeply touched me. A large part of the pangs I feel are due to the knowledge that if I had simply not said "yes" to her advances, then all this hurt wouldn't exist today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This might sound kinda blunt but please don't get scared. It isn't meant to "hurt you" not do I want to attack you, just wish to get you "thinking " abit.

If you "love this OW and if you probably always will, why aren't you "packing your stuff" and leaving to live you life with OW??? What is "holding you back?"

I believe that when we "truely love" someone, everything will "feel right". If the "love" we feel for someone is "the right thing" we will be able to stand up for it and "tell the world".
We don't "feel shame" nor do we have to have the fear of "hurting someone" mostly not if the "love " we have for someone is honest and loyal.

Think about this, please. If you really "love" OW, why are you afraid to "share this" with others, mostly your wife.

Well, I hope you will find the answer within yourself and I hope you will come to realization that 30 years are worth "much more" than:

Not sure that I want to, but I'm thinking that I ought to at least try to make things work with my wife.

take care
bb

BTW: Today is my 23rd Wedding Anniversary and my WH and I have known each other since 28 years. The last 3 years of "Recovery" were worth the "world" and we realize that it takes "TWO" to make a partnership a success.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"TooMuchCoffee...I'll definately read up on the matter before taking further steps. The thing is, we've been married for almost 30 years, and my wife isn't stupid. And she knows me as well as I do her...which is pretty darn well."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't there a place away from home where you can read your books in seclusion?

Javaman, you still love the OW deeply and probably always will? Where does this put your wife in your love? More, less?
Do W a favor and give her a choice by telling her the truth.
My H, looked up an old HS sweetheart after not seeing her for 43 yrs.Classmates.com. In my opinion, a low life pimping service online!
Went wild thinking he was in love with her still. Found out it was all fantasy and they couldn't recapture youth. This was after we'd been married 29 yrs, now at 31 yrs.
I had to struggle with thinking he'd always loved her and our marriage a mistake. He swears not. But I'm going to say this to you.
I wouldn't want a H no matter how many years married if he could love someone else more than me. And as a human being, I have the right to decide based on truth and facts. Not some made up story to soothe my feelings, pacify me and keep me tied to him just for the years, grown kids, home, money, assets. NONE Of it.
Love is more important to me than any of it.
You either get this woman out of you system or get out of your wifes life and let her find someone who loves only her!
How do you respect a woman, who would slut around with a married man. And please dont' say it's soul mate, love. None of that puts dignity or moral value on this A. Perhaps when you look at who she is compared to your wife, you might find more to apprecaite in your wife.
Remember, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.
Your old girfriend is of no good morals or she'd have walked away. She also could give a damn less about your wifes pain, or your consequences to you. How does she look now?
Let's face it, if your wife did this, you'd consider her a W----! What makes the OW any different? Because she did it with you? Makes you feel special? Ah, my H believed the same thing.
Turns out his OW, married woman, is now off and tempting other guys they knew in HS. He doesn't want to believe it. But she's not been happy with her H for over 10 yrs. She's been cheating every time she got a chance and MY H was fool enough to think he was the only one. She has let herself go physically and can't even have intercourse anymore! But she's sure somebody can change that.
Quit fantasizing about who and what OW is and take a good hard look at the reality of her.
She's an adultress. God says she will take you down to death. Read Proverbs!
Look at who your wife is, the kind of woman you married. Find her great qualities and love her.
Break it off with your old GF, then do yourself a favor. Don't contact ever again. And be sure to tell her you regret being with her and love your wife so your wife can have back her self esteem.
Then do one more thing. Have your OW watched, or background done, and see where she goes from you.
I think you just might find out enough to make you puke at the thought she was something good.
I did the research myself. Showed my H in black and white this paragon of virtue he thought he was having an A with. She had lied to him as much if not more than he'd lied to her! Made him mad as hell. But sure changed his thinking on her.
H own counselor showed him OW as about a 2 on the scale and I was a 10!
In all ways.
Sorry to break the news to you. You were just a man to be used in her opinion!Any man would have done for her. And will do for her.
One last thing. God doesn't and never will bless a union born out of an A. Choose your poison carefully. And start thinking about your repentance and getting forgiveness. So many people never put their soul in these equations. Sad, but true.
If you do all this right, God will bless your marriage and give you happiness where it should be. You turned your back on it all, not him, not your wife.
LouLOu

Javaman,

If you will always love the OW, then will you just be giving your WIFE the leftovers and scraps?

Please don't insult your wife with the leftovers and scraps of your love. Trust me, she will be insulted if she thinks that she takes second place behind OW in the love stakes. Just think about what prize your wife is winning here ..... a (one time) unfaithful husband who will always love the woman he betrayed his wife for.

Another thing: I don't understand how you can love someone who is willing to break apart a marriage/family and conspire with you schemes for lying to, deceiving and hurting your wife?

Lastly, you seem to blame the OW's advances for your affair. It may well be that she was launching a heavy campaign to win you over (flattering isn't it?!). My WH's OW sent him gifts, cut him good business deals, brought him a $100 birthday cake at his work place. She told him about a dream she had that they were meant to be together, ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And boy did he fall for it hook, line and sinker. They were college acquaintances who had known each other longer than I and my H had known each other.

Please be careful with your wife's feelings. Be honest and truthful. Remember, that if you have chosen to stay with your wife, she is not second prize or second best. Otherwise, you would have chosen OW, right?

Quickly -- go find a marriage counselor. Try Steve Harley perhaps, or call Harley's radio show. You have no idea the hole you've dug, but the quicker you start filling it in the better.

MC will help to show how seriously you take this.