Long story short: i wasn't mtg his emotional needs, he had 3 (at least) affairs over the past 18 months. His relationships all started online. We want to work thru this. in counseling w/ our minister. For it to work, all internet activity must stop. He says it has, but I have gotten into 2 email accounts and he is still in contact with several women. There are 2 other email accounts that i cannot figure out the password. Seems the general concensus here is access to spouses' email accounts. If I confront him with what i know, he will likely blow up, change passwords, and continue to keep it from me. If I stay silent and continue to pile up copies of email, I will have the knowledge, and it will just be kept bottled up inside me. Please advise, this is all very new to me. Thank you.

you say "we" want to work through this...

it seems to me that his half of "we" is still up to the same ol' crap. Doesn't seem like his half of "we" is quite as committed to working through this as your half is.

Bottom line -- he'll be mad because he got caught, and one of the big bluster moves is to get mad instead of be sorry.

You need to know whats going on, and you have a right to. Go to the website www.iopus.com and get yourself some spyware. It will also reveal the passwords to you.

And its invisible, so he won't know that you've got access.

Hi JM,

Personally, I'd say 3 (at least) strikes and you're OUT! If he's not remorseful, and hasnt stopped, why would you stay? Blow up or not, you've got the proof, right? - Dru

I would confront him, but not until you follow Lexxy's advice and install spyware. That way he won't know how you know all this and your source will be protected.

WHATEVER YOU DO, make sure you buy the software and insert the activation code. Otherwise, if you run it in trial mode it will show a banner everytime he restarts the computer. Also, you need to download it to disk and install it in
"invisible mode." When you install it and enter the code, restart it to make sure you have done it right and there are no notification banners.

P.S. the spyware will also show you both sides of chat conversations.

thanks for everything so far. Is iopus a good spy software program? I have heard of Spector, but it is more expensive. I just need something that will do the job. Mainly recording chat and email. I put cyberpatrol on the pc, and he knows about it and even agreed to it. Advise me more on the spyware, so I can go ahead and download something tonight. Thanks.

lexxy, how is your life going? Have papers been filed, etc. and are you going it alone?

juniper, I love it! I think the Starr home version is very easy to use. It cost about $40.

just downloaded it, we'll see how it goes tomorrow. thanks again, i'll be back.

Good for you J.

Now stay calm for as long as you can. Give yourself a week at least to collect information without confronting him.

Do you have a counseling appointment set up for the next week or two? I'd stay in stealth/spy mode until then. I'd bring whatever you've collected to that meeting and confront him there.
Having your minister present will hopefully keep you from exploding, and make him accountable not only to you but to your minister as well.

(Sufdb: to answer your question -- my divorce should be final within the month. My X and I have an excellent co-parenting relationship, and we're good friends. I'm very happy these days. I ended the relationship with OM over a year ago. I've been dating someone else for the last few months. Life is good. Thanks for asking!)

junipermarie, just wanted you to know from my experience. If you copy emails and chats off the computer, make double or triple copies to prevent his destroying them, then denying.
I had all the proof in hand, and My H shredded it. Then denied having said things between him and OW. Heck, I'd even download it to a disk. And put it away.
A friend did that for me, now has refused to release it to me for 2 yrs! She thinks she's protecting me. Sigh!
LouLou

I cannot begin to tell you all what a blessing it is to have this support group. I have been able to talk to very few people about it, because I am so embarrassed by his behavior. The iopus program is fabulous-- wish I had it 2 years ago. I was immediately into the secret email accounts. I am printing everything. I like your idea of taking it to our minister and letting him confront my husband with it. Please keep my husband and me in your prayers. It's a rough road ahead. Good nite and God bless.
Julie

Juniper --
I've used Iopus and I think its fabulous.

Just please don't make the mistake I made and confront him too soon. You will lose the opportunity to discover everything. What you're going to find may be very upsetting. I hope you have the discipline to control your reactions until the appropriate time.

Just be as calm and patient as you can be.

I suggested confronting him with your findings during counseling because I think it will really help to control the emotions of it. Its too easy for a WS to start coming up with excuses, lies, and justifications. And often they become angry about the "invasion of their privacy". Then the confrontation becomes all about how unreasonable and unfair the BS was (ha ha ha). Instead of discussing the e-mails and inappropriate relationships -- you'll find yourself defending your actions of spying. Ridiculous but true. WS's do this to buy themselves time to come up with better and more believable lies.

Having your minister present will keep the discussion on track. It doesn't really matter how this all came to light -- what he is doing is wrong, and thats what needs to be discussed.

Junipermarie,

I think you are on the right track. You have recevied some fabulous advice. Please let us know how things go in your counselling session.