My wife admitted to a one-time sexual liason after a brief EA in April. Since then, she has had no contact, we have been to MC, and have recommitted to our marriage. Sounds promising, right?

My problem is that I am still bitter as hell about what happened. An example: Since we live in Italy, to watch a live college football game on Thursday nite in the states, we had to get up at 1:30 AM. We are both huge football fans, particularily of one of the teams playing last Thursday. When I get home from work on Thursday, W is showing me all the dips and chips she is going to make for the game in the middle of nite. She says. "Hey, I'm a good wife!" It took every ounce of willpower not to say something ugly. I actually replied, "Never said you weren't". About a month ago, I did throw the infidelity back in her face in an arguement that was totally unrelated.

When does the resentment go away, or does it? Or should it?

Hi HiI,

Your recovery will go through phases. What is your MC saying? IMHO, you need strong guidance from a good MC right now. See your ENs are screaming to have their equal time. The A did damage to your outlook as well. Often the BS doesn not work on their own recovery when the WS comes back. But your recovery is important.

There is a thread about the 5 stages of grieving. The pattern is similar to what a BS goes through.

Here's the link:

5 stages of grieving

Hope this helps.

L.

hurt, it will go away in time if you handle it right. What you are going through is very normal and it might even get a little worse after the shock wears off more. I wouldn't suggest holding it in, but I also wouldn't suggest lovebusting her with it. I used to talk to my H about it and he helped me through it by reassuring me that he loved me. Your W needs to learn how to help you with your grief. Please have a talk with her.

AND, more importantly, come here and let off steam when it builds up. It will build up on a monthly basis for a while and then it will come less often until it doesn't even bother you anymore. Just don't destroy your marriage getting it out, ok? Come here for the hard stuff and don't blast her with it.

Another important aspect: has she openly and honestly answered ALL your questions?

Italy,

You could be your own worst enemy. I understand the resentment, all BS's do, but your W made a mistake, a monumental mistake, but one any of us could have made. You've got a chance that many of us BS's never get. Don't shoot yourself in the foot. Never throw the past in her face, it won't change it and will only do more damage. Show her that your love for her is greater than your resentment. In the end, that will mean so much to her and she'll appreciate what she has. Resentment eats it's container, let it go. Easier said than done, I know. I'm still very resentful towards my W, but we're getting divorced as a result of what she did, not by my choice. I resent her for quitting on our marriage, not because of her EA. I forgave her for that and realize it was a result of her unhappiness with our marriage, not the cause of it. At this point the outcome of your marriage will be determined by how well you put what she did behind you, it will not be because of what she did. You have a second chance, make it work.

sad dad

Another thought. Your resentment is temporary, but the damage you could cause by acting on it could cause permanent damage.

This has nothing to do with your question, but 1:30am! Why don't you record those games to watch them at a more convenient time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Melody,
It has been tough to ask all my questions, she trys to change the subject, is totally uncomfortable, etc. And if I do bring it up, forget about SF for at least 3-4 days. I think that this is a big source of frustration for me. Also, becuase of a time change in pre-school for my youngest child, we have not been able to get to MC. Since we are in the military, living in military housing, we are doing our best to keep this a private matter. If any of our neigbors found out, living here would be unbearable for the whole family.

AFS,
You are obviously not a rapid fan like we are!! I tryed last season to tape games, but couldn't sleep knowing my team was playing and ended up getting up and watching the game anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtinItaly:
<strong>Melody,
It has been tough to ask all my questions, she trys to change the subject, is totally uncomfortable, etc. And if I do bring it up, forget about SF for at least 3-4 days. I think that this is a big source of frustration for me. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will not do if she won't answer your questions openly and honestly. It will have to come out one way or the other. That is the LEAST she owes you since you agreeed to stay with her.

If your questions aren't answered, recovery will be almost impossible because the OM will know secrets about YOUR LIFE that you do not know. Knowing the facts will help you come to terms with all this and make recovery faster for you. Whatever you don't know, you will imagine, FOR THE WORST.

So, she needs to put her discomfort aside and put your need to know first. It is imperative for recovery.