O.k. I feel like I've learned alot lately just by reading others postings and advice. Help me to see if I got this right. Plan A, yes I've read the books lol, means that I continue to become the best me that I can be and to try in every possible way to fulfill WS EN. And today it dawned on me that means he must do it on his own terms, correct? and then when he is willing to commit to making it work that at that time I am able to say this is what I need from you but until that point its all him.
You see he says he's willing to commit that he wants to learn to be a better husband and father and he wants to do it with me but he is not willing to do things I ask. i.e. stop working with OW says he has nothing to do with it. And he says he will tell me everytime he see's her, which is not daily but then at the end of the week I'll ask did you see her today or yesterday or the day before and of course he has at least once. But then I say why didn't you tell me and he says I just passed her in the hall and makes me feel foolish that I asked. He doesn't get it. But then Plan A says not to avoid LB but if I ask calmly and stay calm is that a LB. or should I just let him have his cake and eat it too at this point.?????
Thanks

km4,

Is the affair over?
Did he write a no contact letter?

To answer your question about requiring calmly about whether he ran into OW....no, that is not an LB even if he doesn't like it. It is not a disrespectful judgement or annoying habit etc. It is part of what he can expect when trust has been destroyed. Part of the conditions that should be met when recovery begins (you aren't in Plan A btw although it is good to extend it through withdrawal from the affair)....you are in recovery where the rules are alot different. You should be looking at the Four Rules of a Successful Marriage.....Honesty is one of them. Expecting honesty and openness in your spouse is not an LB as long as you do not LB when asking or reacting to the truth.

Thankyou Star*fish for your reply it helped alot. But I don't believe we are in recovery yet. He says the A is over but has not written a n/c letter yet as I just finished the book and he's reading it now. Plus he's still working with her. She won't leave and he can't right now. They have agreed that this EA is not worth the prices they would have to pay. But I don't believe that for a minute she has already divorced her husband for mine, she has lost her best friend, me. She has lost her children both teenagers who decided to live with their father. Her main thing is security and my WS can give it to her, she's 44 acting like she 18 again, partying every weekend, spending $$ on her her her. As my counselor says she set her hook with my WS in mind and caught herself a big one. He says she is not going to let him go, just by her presence she keeps the love he feels for her alive. WS says that she would never do any of that on purpose but that he understands my feelings and that he just keeps telling himself its fantasy and that he won't allow it to go any farther. So am I right in assuming we are still in plan A.
To me Recovery would mean that OW is out of the picture period and also that he would be willing to do some important things for me and I would do the same for him.
I appreciate your thoughts on asking him if he's seen the OW. Because that is really important to me to know but he hates when I ask. Now that I know its not LBing I'll ask nicely every day he is in town.
Thanks again for helping me understand this cycle.
KM4
me 39
WS 44
married 17 years
2 boys 4 and 11
WS having EA with my best friend
found out 6/03