Inlaws live in a different country (migrated there in 1997). During last contact in July, MiL informed me of their travel dates to NZ (Aug 21-Sept21), said that it would be nice to "catch up" during their visit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> After that I sent an e-mail to MiL + FiL explaining to them how difficult it was for me to continue a relationship with them, them while they were actively forming a friendship with OW via e-mails/phonecalls (ie, Plan B to the inlaws) To which they didn't respond.

Anyway, they come to NZ for their trip. 24 HOURS BEFORE they are due to head back to the USA, MiL calls and leave a message with my flatmate about wanting to catch up. Unfortunately I was away for the weekend; they didn't leave a contact number in any case.

My take on this: token gesture from Inlaws. They have been here for 4 weeks, contact me a day before they leave, hoping like hell I won't be around. See where the WH gets it from?!!!

Currently considering whether to send a polite e-mail saying what a terrible pity it was that I wasn't able to fit in with their (very busy) holiday schedule. Or just ignore their stupid game playing and continue to Plan B the inlaws.

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Enigma ]</small>

JMVHO, I'm in favor of not making war with the in-laws. Everybody knows perfectly well that if WS divorces the BS and marries OP, that eventually, the in-laws will have to go with the flow. They will really have no choice, other than banishing child and grandchildren from their lives permanently. That said, they can have a lot of feelings about this process.

They are in a tight spot, too. They usually have feelings of loyalty to the BS -- and yet they have their son/daughter, with whom they will always have a bond.

Don't know the specifics of your situation, but remember they are being put in the wringer.

This a.m. at a outside gathering, I saw an out-of-town friend talking to the OW -- one of the few people to approach this forlorn misfit. I made a mental note to cross this woman off my list.

But I didn't. I approached her later to say hello -- an act of will. I got ten times the joy and enthusiasm with my greeting than OW got. That says it all.

Okay, this is a friend, not an in-law. But the point is, H has been living with odious OW for six months. How long can I expect people to carry a torch?

Better to build bridges instead of walls. I don't like it, but it's the reality. If you can swallow your pain, when the A starts to go awry, your in-laws may turn out to be your most powerful allies. Tacitly, I think they tend to be on the side of the BS, in most cases.

I guess I feel that in this particular war, you don't know who the allies are going to be in the next battle -- so as far as possible, it's best to take things with good cheer and try to stay on good terms with everyone, even if you are secretly thinking they are rats.

<small>[ September 21, 2003, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

I would feel a lot of empathy towards the in-laws. They have been put in a difficult situation by their child.

My MIL has preached forgiveness to me. I understand. She even tried to say there had to be something really bad that I did to justify WH's affair -- but I really hurt her when my response was to ask her what justified his hitting and swearing at me in front of our children. You know what? The bottom line is that your in-laws did absolutely nothing to be put in this position. They know that their child did wrong, and they probably want to make a token gesture so that there is no hard feeling in the future if the M survives. They can't be blamed for what their adult child did.

A.M & Broken heart and arm,

Many thanks for your thoughtful replies. I'm sorry I couldn't check in earlier, just after I posted here, I went on holiday for last week - tramping on a beautiful island off the coast of NZ- but my 6 day holiday turned into 8 days when the weather turned sour and I couldn't get back to the mainland!

I always thought that I had a good relationship with the inlaws, and I had totally missed the point that it was WH who has put them in this spot. They are good people. They are just trying to be nice and trying to be fair. I guess that I owe them an e-mail acknowledging their gesture ... or something like that. It's MIL's birthday in about a week, so maybe I could phone???

I guess since I initiated a plan B with them over their making a friendship with OW, they are inclined to respect my wishes not to contact me, rather than "choosing" OW as my replacement. Thankyou AM for mentioning about building bridges. That seems the better thing to do.

BTW, it was a great holiday, despite being stranded at the end <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well, I replied to MiL's e-mail which was sent after they returned home. Said I was sorry to have missed seeing them, explained where I was when they phoned. Gave a quick update on what I was doing for my holidays, and also what I was planning on doing next year. (Leaving the country). Thanked them for their input in trying to get the legal separation issues sorted out and also mentioned that their dear son hadn't yet disclosed his financial position as at the date he departed from the marriage

Next thing, she forwards it on to WH! Less the bit about the legal separation issues. So he knows all of the things I am planning to do next year.

Plan B to the inlaws again.

Again, I think she means well. Try to see the best possible intention in it -- perhaps she's trying to build a bridge between you and son, whether either of you wants it now or not (that would be why she left out nasty money stuff, that would create some note of conflict).

I'm not sure I'd Plan B them (not really a Plan B, anyway, since that is a strategy for H & W -- it's more NC), but be careful about any info you share with them. Obviously, they have a different take on all this.

Hi Claire

I've been wondering how you are doing.

I'm sorry to hear out the ILs (or the Outlaws seems more appropriate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I can't understand why an earth they would think that's appropriate to send on your e-mail.

I think keeping some space and distance is probably the right thing to do for now, just to protect yourself. At the end of the day, that is the most important thing, looking after you.

Take care.

Lisa