I need help from all you old MB.
I has been a long while since I've needed MB and have had very little constructive advise, but now I need you all.
Yesterday, my H and I attended what I thought was going to be a bar-be-que w/H Best friend and his OW. Now this is a sorted story, so hold on....H BF left his W Aug. 02 for OW. OW is 19years his jr. and the neice of my H's OW. BF's OW was M w/ no children and divorced her H to be w/ BF.
As we arrive for the BBQ I see my H XOW and her Daughters. Mother of BF's OW and my H's XOW are sister's, ie. her presence as family. I have learned to control myself and walk proudly w/ my H by my side. As we approached the group I noticed most of them had retreated to enterior of the house. We remained outside along w/ several guests and an older gentle man who was sitting on a large rocker. I couldn't help but notice he was staring at me. I didn't get nervous about it but did check my clothing to be sure nothing was out of place. I spoke to the man briefly about the weather but was not introduced. There were several people I didn't know. BF and his OW now arrived with the engagement ring and announcement that they are getting M on Friday. H and I congratulated them on the engagement (we knew about it a month ago) and wished BF a Happy Birthday. As we were mingling, H's OW and her Ds had no contact w/me. OW spoke to H when she had the attention of a small group. H didn't respond to her, but I did. Very formal and unconcerned. No big deal...It was great to be in such control and finally not care what she said or did. As we are leaving, the older man was outside asked me how I knew my H. I answered and he asked how long we had been M. I told him 22 years and he was shocked. He introduced himself as the father of my H's XOW. He told me he met my H several times years ago but was never aware H was M. I walked away. I asked my H in private why he didn't introduce me to this gentleman? H said he didn't know. I'm sure it's because H was introduced to this man as his D's significant other. They spend the weekend in this man's home.
I couldn't breath and just walked away to get my youngest son to leave.
Are you still w/ me?
I thought I was doing so well after all this time. I don't and didn't let the OW interfear or control me. (She is a member of our church, teaches at the high school my children attend, lives next door to my in-laws who adore her and now she is the Aunt to my H's best friend's wife.) My H was asked to be best man at the wedding on friday. I will attend and graciously leave early to attend my S's football game.
My problem is with my H, not the OW or anyone else. I feel abandoned. These people are vicious and have very little remorse...they blame me and have been very verbal about how they feel about me. My H knows this and yet when it came down to it he backed away and let me defend myself. I was sick to my stomach and couldn't talk to my H about any of this after we left. I think after all we've been through he would be proud to stand up for me. The only thing said was 'we shouldn't have come.' I asked if he knew all these people were going to be there. He said yes. CAN YOU BELEIVE IT! HE KNEW AND DIDN'T TELL ME!
His BF was greatful and expressed his appreciation for us being there to support him as most of his friends do not associate w/ him or his fiance'. The BF thanks me for being there and said he knew how hard this was for me.
I feel like I've just discovered renewed contact. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is back. It isn't so much the daily routine of our lives, my H has been great, it's the trying times he fails me.
My H attended 2 MC sessions w/ me, and only because I found out about renewed/continued contact w/ OW. He has not read the books I shared w/ him on A's or the questionaires. He never spoke to his parents about their participation and acceptance of the A. Nor did he ask them not to speak to me about the OW, I had to put my foot down. They think I am too trying to control them and my H. In spite of all this, we have a very good relationship. But it is only as long as we can stay away from OW. We live in a rural community and moving is at present out of the question.
How do I deal w/ this? Am supposed to some day accept OW into my life as part of my family? When is this all going to end? What can I expect from my H? What should I expect? What do I do? I have a job and 4 children to deal w/, I don't need bad memories and more crap in my life. Particularly when my H ignores my need to be protected from his past sorted A.
Sorry it's so long. I could really use your help now. I don't know if I am strong enough to survive anymore of this.
