I'm really starting to lose my focus.

It's been 6 months since dday when my WW also left to work on her affair relationship. And almost 4 months since she no contacted me.

I don't understand how she can simply leave and drop me from her life. Not to mention all our close friends and my family.

We had a very good marriage and without going into details I was a great husband.

I don't think I can wait much longer without some indication from my WW that we might have a chance.

goodguy007,

A is not about BS or even about OP ... it is about WS and their selfish fantasy. You could be the greatest husband on earth, the most handsome guy in the universe and have $$$$ in the bank ... your WW still could go away. WS could rewrite the M history and about you.

You have a choice to end it anytime ... but you are the only one could make that choice.

Why she won't look your way ? ... many theories but does it matter ?. Make sure you do your best and hang in there until your LB$ go down to nil.

-rh-

Goodguy-

I'd suggest you continue to explore possible reasons for the A taking place in the first place. If you read enough literature on the subject, you'll discover that most A's take place because somethings broken in the marriage. Happily married couples who meet each others needs don't get involved in Affairs IMO.

Just because the BS doesn't realize or recognize the breakdown doesn't mean it's not so. I had no idea of the extent of my XW's unhappiness until after she told me of her affair. But with further examination, I began to understand how broken things were. Sorry if this sounds overly harsh or critical as that's not my intention. It's just that you'll be much better off in the long run if you make positive changes in yourself instead of shifting the blame for everything to her.

I have done a lot of thinking about what may have caused our problems. And I want the oppertunity to make the right changes. But one person can't make a marriage themselves.

I just wish my WW would for once talk to me about what she's been feeling and missing. Who knows maybe she did try and communicate in her own way and I missed it.

I just miss her and it feels like she's moved on with her life even before dday.

I guess I may have to find my own closure and look to the future.

GG sometimes an A can be an exit out of the marriage like it was in ALS's case, even though I may be wrong it just may be that your WW's A is also the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say to forget her and move on with your life, but just to accept the possibility that her A might just be an exit A.

TMCM,

I though about the possability of her affair being an exit affair. However before and during her affair I had suggested as a possiable solution to our problems a trial separation.

So there was a chance for her to leave (or me) before she began her affair.

It's just so confusing. I'm ok with moving on but this is such a crappy way of ending our marriage.

***Happily married couples who meet each others needs don't get involved in Affairs IMO.***

I wish people would stop saying this. To this day, my husband has never expressed any dissatisfaction with our marriage. He is doing his best to force things to go back to exactly the way they were, when he had a supportive wife at home and an entirely separate life full of girlfriends at work.

Some people cheat because they can. Because they learn how easy it is to fool someone who trusts you. Because they don't see any reason not to help themselves to all they can grab. They do it because it's fun and they feel entitled and can't see what the harm is.

Low self-esteem has nothing to do with this type. It's just the opposite -- their sense of ego and entitlement is sky-high. They can do anything they want, because they are smarter than other people. Rules are for saps.

My husband is like the man who sets fire to his own house but STILL can't see what the problem is, even when the house is burning down around him and his wife is screaming at him to put out the fire and get rid of the matches. Lighting those matches was just harmless fun. Why can't his wife understand that?

***Happily married couples who meet each others needs don't get involved in Affairs IMO.***

I wish people would stop saying this.
Why? This is almost always the case.

To this day, my husband has never expressed any dissatisfaction with our marriage.
Yes, there are exceptions, but it's not the rule.

Some people do stray "just because".

My husband is like the man who sets fire to his own house but STILL can't see what the problem is, even when the house is burning down around him and his wife is screaming at him to put out the fire and get rid of the matches. Lighting those matches was just harmless fun.
Just because he doesn't "acknowledge" there were problems doesn't mean they didn't exist.

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
<strong>***Happily married couples who meet each others needs don't get involved in Affairs IMO.***

I wish people would stop saying this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would also have to say that the statement is true, BUT the important part is meet each others needs. The BS obviously has some unmet need that they are getting satisfied somewhere else. HOWEVER, not every need the BS has is reasonable and should be satisfied.

For example, I could go to my wife and say I need to be treated like a king and have wild sex every night. But just because I have that need doesn't mean she's obligated to quit her job and neglect the kids so she can satisfy my need. And it would be wrong to think that she's in any way at fault if I had an affair because she didn't meet that need. And it's wrong to think I'm justified in having an affair because that need is not met.

So yes, there is some unmet need, but you should not always feel like it's because you didn't meet that need. I bet you were a great husband goodguy007 and it's too bad that wasn't enough for her or not what she was looking for. Hopefully she will one day realize how valuable that is and see the right thing to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
<strong>***Happily married couples who meet each others needs don't get involved in Affairs IMO.***

I wish people would stop saying this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">unless character flaw involve <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

-rh-

HI Goodguy,

Redhat said it: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A is not about BS or even about OP ... it is about WS and their selfish fantasy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he's 100 % correct. I am incredibly ashamed that I had an affair, it was the most selfish thing I've ever done in my life. What an idiot I was! But--I had that selfish fantasy, some silly idea. As Redhat says, in the midst of it you tend to rewrite the marriage to halfway/fully (depends on the person) justify what you're doing, although I knew I was lying to myself in thinking in that 'foggy' way.

Your wife may wake up and see what she's lost. I certainly did, but thus far it was too late for me. When she does wake up, then you can decide whether it's worth working on the marriage again.

Please take care of yourself. It might seem like her life is happy, but I bet she's miserable. I was a miserable person when I was in that ridiculous A, and I think most affairees are.

Take care,
HP

thanks to everyone who replied. Some very good points were made and i will think about all of them.

I don't think every affair is the result of a bad marriage. We had a good marriage but when issues did arise my WW went silent. In her personal life she is a conflict avoider. It's impossiable to fix something unless your told what needs to be fixed.

I also think many WS and people in general have not learned that happiness starts from within and that every relationship takes work. No one person can possiable fill all our needs, which is why we have friends, family, work, hobbies etc.

My WW is of course being selfish and I know she's struggling with what she's done and the person she's become. If there is any truth that an affair relationship is like a drug then the WS has all the negative that goes along with being an alcoholic or drug addict.

Thanks again