Having a BAAAADDDDDD DDDDAAAAYYYY… So any help or encouragement would be greatly appreciated….

My story would be just too long and drawn out to read again… So I will just give a brief update… Dday about 16 months ago- “false recovery” several times over the last 16 months…. Plan A- (pretty effective) for the last 4 months…. And right now I cannot do an effective Plan B (due to young children & financial concerns)…. I would look at a modified plan B, but from the previous threads there wasn’t much response to how others have handled it with young children.

My H (WS) said from D-Day- that maybe we should just “separate”… “To see where we are…” and “To get our heads straight…” I explained to him that from the beginning, I knew that this was something that we could overcome… That my stance on this has been the same- I want my M, I want my H, I want my Family and would be willing to work out all the issues and problems that brought this A between us. Every so often he would peak his head out of the fog- and see the damage and destruction going on around him- but then reality hurt too much- so he was back off to fantasy land again.

During this time- my motto has been honesty…. And I know with the A still continuing that is difficult to do on his end, but it has been better the last 2 months. He tired to end the affair several times- and each and every time it would make it 1 week at the most and they were back at it… I have heard all the textbook sayings from him- like “soulmate”- and “it must be right if I ‘feel’ this strong about the OW”… etc… About two months ago (the last big blowout between them…), she just wanted to end it all (suicidal thoughts…), and he said he saw what he was doing to the OW and he couldn’t keep treating her this way- “she has sacrificed so much for me…” But lately he has said more “real” things of the A, more like how much pressure he feels from the OW, and how co-dependent the A is…. (I know weird, how he can see this while still in the FOG..)

But now it comes time to separate…. We downsized and sold our other house, and moved into something more financially comfortable…. We have been in this house for a little over 2 months now- and of course the pressure from the OW is mounting… (I get this from the little bit of honesty I do get from him…..)

I am SO much further along in the personal recovery process… Sometimes I scare myself, I just wonder how I can be at such a strange peace with this while we are still in the middle of the whirlwind…. I keep waiting for me to feel differently…. But my faith has kept my level head firmly planted on my shoulders… I feel at times that I have all the patience in the world… and at other times just “void”…. My WS has seen this “change” in me over the last few months- and likes it… But deep down it saddens him- even makes him angry at times- I guess maybe because he finds it harder and harder to justify the A…

I have several questions… But don’t want to make this thread too confusing… So I will try and be straightforward…

Has anyone separated without going to a Plan B? (with young children…)
Has the separation helped the WS come out of the FOG?

When we actually separate- is there a modified sort of Plan B letter that I can (or should) send?
OR should I just wait until the fog clears?

I think I have done my best to protect ME through this process- and my love bank is not totally depleted… I have taken the time through this to work on me- and it feels wonderful… So if it feels so wonderful- why do I feel such confusion about this separation?.... It could only help right?... Couldn’t get worse?... RIGHT? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Modified plan B's tend not to work, for two reasons: One, because contact continues between you two, causing YOU pain and continuing the draining of the emotional energy you will need when the affair ends to restore your marriage. It is too easy to get to a place where divorce is the only desireable option, from your perspective. Two: He can continue to fence sit, get some needs fulfilled by both women, stay in the fog, and never face reality, until point one comes into play, at which point it is too late. The financial support and child contact issues CAN be solved in Plan B - though it will not be easy. You will need help, and you will need someone to act as a go-between with the kids.

The other benefit of a true plan B is that the WS gets to experience the full effect of his choices - it keeps you from enabling the affair, and lets the relationship live or die on it's own. It usually dies. Usually. There are no guarantees, except that you will want a divorce pretty soon if things continue as they are. He has not given an indication that he is ready to change them, so you must. I suggested in May that you go to Plan B. Perhaps I was premature then. If so, that is not longer the case.

Thanks John...

I know that everyone is going to recommend a plan B... and I know that it may be the only answer.... Although I just dont know if it is truly possible... (and I know these seem like excuses- but the young child has medical problems, and needs...) I know this should not hamper a Plan B- but I know it would...

You were not premature in your advice... (and I do thank you for it...) I was really just wondering if there was such a thing as a PLAN A and a half maybe...?...lol...

I dont disagree that I am enabling... and he is fence sitting... And if plan B stops that- I will have to figure out a way...

Yes I separated BEFORE I FOUND MB.

I suspected A and through him out then tracked him down and cold busted it .
ANYWAY your question , yes separation did bring WS out of FOG .

I do have small kids , DID NOT use a go between person . I only talked when it concerned children . ONLY after I spoke to OW did I do a MORE TEXT BOOK PLAN B .

I sent a letter saying everything , how I felt , what I wanted and also that I can except him with OW .

FUNNY thing is the more I pushed them together , and excepted that I do not have control , the more he kept her away from family and friends and still denied it to all around him .

I called her "THE CLOSET HO"

I spoke to him less other then concern for money and kids . I avoided him was not here until he dropped off kids and when I was I see the car and go to bathroom so he wouldn't stay .

I tried to be at freinds homes so he would drop kids off there and he wouldn't see my face .

All this lasted 2months then he wanted to talk coming home ,that went on 3more months he came back in FEB. 2002. BEGGING .

ONE PROBlEM I wish I had MB , I agreed that there would be some contact until ow got the hint and that she was not to know that he was home for awhile .

SO with that said, yes I would go to PLAN B and although some belive in the go between person I would still have contact e-mail, phone when it concerns kids .

JMVHO they are not objects and should be talked about between PARENTS .

NO R talk , no filling needs , nothing of that nature .

JUST you moving forward until contact is NONE EXSISTENSE !

LIVING with contact can kill the spirt of the BS ,
if not during it then in the recovey process .

It is most diffecult , its just one more pain to care around of the disrespect the was done .

Good LUCK and I hope I answered your question .

OUCH:

Read My TOPIC called WHAT I LEARNED. It's dated September 19th. It says it all!!! I think you need to do PLAN B as much as it will hurt and as hard as it may be for you. That's likely the answer for recovering your marriage. My H was such a CAKE-EATER and a FENCE-SITTER like yours. I feel for you!!!

Hang in there......

There are some on here that say Plan B has to be by the book, some say otherwise. I can tell you my experience.

My H is a stay-at-home Dad and after months of his bad attitude I asked him to leave. He was fine with this, but knew it would put the family in a pickle to not keep watching the kids (finding a sitter or daycare at short notice is difficult/impossible). So he moved out and would come over every morning (early) to watch the kids and then leave every evening.

I knew this was the perfect opportunity to Plan B...but had to still see him, and he still was able to get his kid and home "fix". After D-day he had NC with OW, but started up again once he moved out (I guess he thought he was free). I had done a stellar Plan A, that's why I couldn't understand the attitude...until he moved out...he had been pining for HER.

So I wrote him a Plan B letter stating that we could only communicate through letters. And we did...it wasn't the best Plan B. I realized how much I was addicted to HIM. I couldn't stop writing and wanting to talk. I did turn colder...or rather...more business-like though.

Then I realized I had not made a way clear for him to come back...I spelled out in a letter the way he could come back to live with us, and gave him 5 things to do (NC, counseling, etc). We talked a bit when I gave it to him, he was angry "how dare you try to control me like this". I told him it wasn't controlling him, he had the choice to come home or stay gone. But if he chose not to do those things...then I would be finding ways to have less and less contact (babysitter, etc). Something gave that day and he said he would try.

Well, he started trying...and the next week when we camped without him...he met us halfway through our trip and told me he had told the OW "no more".

A couple more months went by until I was satisfied, and he moved back in last month. That was our modified Plan B. Each case is unique. I do realize the closer you follow Harley's plan the better the "learning experience" of living without each other will stick.