This was posted on In Recovery by Rollercoaster Girl. It's my H, to a T! Sexually naive, yet ends his marriages with affairs -- his problem is, once the "accident" happens, he "falls in love." Here goes:
Of the first pattern, "Accidental Infidelity," Pittman says, "People really don't go looking for infidelity, at least not the first time. They stumble upon it. It is nearly always entered into by accident. It just happens."
Accidental infidelities do not occur involuntarily, but "carelessly". And they take on significance not because of any important reasons for which they happened, but because the participants, particularly the infidel, can't forget them."
Pittman likens accidental infidelities to car accidents, in which ordinarily responsible drivers momentarily become distracted on the road.
All of a sudden tires squeal and metal crunches, and "their lives are now outside their control."
Accidental infidels may have gotten married as virgins "and forever wonder what they are missing." They may be sexually experienced but endlessly curious about what else they could try after men, women, animals, vegetables, and minerals.
They may be so deferentially polite they cannot refuse an inappropriate approach, or so confirmed in low self-esteem that they are incapable of declining unexpected attentions.
When offering consolation to an upset friend they may fail to observe the boundary line that separates emotional from erotic intimacy.
They themselves may be having a bad day and fall into bed with someone who is providing comfort.
They may simply be going along with the other boys or girls in their crowd.
They may be in the thrall of some severe episode of mental derangement, such as the manic phase of manic-depression.
What makes all these sorts of accidental infidelities similar is that the infidels do not consider their behavior appropriate.
They don't want to leave their marriage, or threaten it, or necessarily bring about any change in it.
Their marriage, like all marriages, is boring sometimes, frustrating sometimes, infuriating sometimes, but not to the point that the infidel has seriously considered getting out....
Accidental infidels ordinarily don't expect to continue the adulterous experiences. They don't feel in love with their affair partner; in fact they may find the whole business very awkward.... they have done something they consider wrong.... And when they try to explain it, they realize "it just happened."
<small>[ September 24, 2003, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>
