</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
[......OW DOES NOT KNOW H IS HOME , it was a long story but thats the bottom line .

I once had to hear him tell me on the phone I love ow and will M her .
This he did for her , she threatened him or something what ever .

The point it is killing me , I want him to tell her he is home cause she was a mistake .

He knows thats breaking the N/C rule now .
So I will settle for if she ever tried to contact him , tell her . HE WILL NOT , feels it will do no good to start her up .

Ok I am so out of control nothing is making sense . Well I agreed to this and said, as long as there is N/C I never cared , but I was hoping he would and want to put me above all .[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3IAC,

Gonna level with you dear. Your H is not in recovery. He is home, getting his needs met by you. He may feel quite vulnerable right now and may not want to burn all bridges.

U have to decide whether you can live with those strings still out there. I went through those excuses for 2 years. It does not feel good nor is it healthy.

What should you do? Define your boundaries and implement them. I just asked my H today, why did he try sooo hard to not just drop the OW? He still claims it was because he didn't want her to make trouble for me. Hm.... let's see, I am still dealing with crap (legally now) so how does that make me feel warm and fuzzy? It doesn't and he knows it. Lesson learned but a bit late. Some make not make it hanging on for this long. I often wonder how come I did.

IMHO, it would be good to let your H know that others have tried his path. Tell him you already know of 1 case in particular where that 'so called letting her down easy' was a big mistake.

The OW will be and do OW stuff right up until the end. They are diehards. Like roaches..... They run soft but are as hard as...... you get the picture.

If he is that afraid of the OW, he needs to file RO paperwork or make sure both of you face her issues together. No more of this crap he has been dumping on you. Let him know that it is NOT helping you, so he needs to either find a better excuse you will buy or change his tactic for something saner and safer for you.

JMHO,
L.

Thank you all very much I really need the talkin to !

Stunned - no I did not feel that you where hard on me or anything like that your post was very helpful .

STILL - thank to you as well , I do tey and do the soft approach and I know he respones to that , its just the ISSUES at hand that no way I approach them , that I will get answers .

TO4T- YES I went back this after noon and read my POTATO SALAD response to you . It did help me to hear my own words . THANK YOU <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Orchid - always a pleasure to hear from ya , I am though a bit confused , I do think my H is in recovery , I was dealing with that issuse if is he HOME OR IN RECOVERY . I was dealing with that during the time of CONTACT continuing .

Their break up well I can only go by what he says.

BE RIGHT BACK !!!!!!!!!

SORRY GOT INTERUPPTED , Orchid- I was in the middle of thought and kind of lost it there.

Yes I do agree on the point of letting the OW down easy WAS a bad move .

I really tried very hard to be who I am , witch was to let him handle that the way he wanted .
YES it is bitting me in the A$$ now , cause I realize that I was HOPING he would do it my WAY in the long run .
WHEN he didn't well that I took as my stupidity .

I choose to let him go it on his own . I should have set that straight then.

BUT other then that , I really don't see where he is NOT IN recovey BUT just home .

I know there are other FWS still not disclosing all the details .

I am so thankful again that all have responedand I am trying so hard to have the understanding of what is going on with me .

I did/do know recovery was a hard place , maybe I am over reacting I don't know . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

SHMI - no I have not been talking to anyone about this anymore , I aloud busy schdeule to get in my way . I will go that way again .

I felt for sometime that I was doing well in my personal recovery , now I feel as though I have taken a GAINT step back .

He honestly does nothing wrong , I mean I just wake up like this and start in with him .

It could very well pass and I hope I does .

TO4T - I to am bothered by talking of D , I am not giving major pat on back or anything , but I went to hell to get here . I wanted / want my M .
I just feel like a spoiled child I want to stamp my feet till I get what I want .

THANKS AGIAN I do know the serenity PRAYER I use to say it every day I will start again .

GOOD NIGHT

3,

I truely believe that the longer contact goes on with the ow the longer it takes to recover for the BS.

Your self-esteem is in the dust. It is "lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut" to quote Yosemite Sam on Bugs Bunny. LOL.

I understand 3, but you have to make some decisions here. I have advised before that you become what your husband wants you to be. Sexually, I think, is good for you right now. Look as good as you can, initiate and become his Fantasy, and initiate the wild side.

I know you have been hurt, for a long long time. I see in your posts that you want to be the QUEEN of SF with your FWS, and you need to initiate all of the above. I know your body image is a huge issue. Do you know if Physical attraction is a # attracion for H? What are your H top # EN'S?

I agree with a lot of the posters. I understand the need to know all, but your H is protecting you right now. Maybe you feel you need to know all, but honey, it can hurt. I know that ow did what I wasn't, so you have to take it. I don't want your self-esteem to go lower, but, you have to move forward. Do you know what helps your H in SF? What does he want most? Ask him. Or be creative.

Accept that you may not have the info that you want right now. Are you praying? Or are you having a pity party because you need to be treated like a Queen because of what has happened?

I am sorry if that sounded like a 2X4, I just have always felt that if you fulfilled your H needs that you would be blessed 10 fold.

Don't go where you are going. I have been there. Start thanking God that you are in recovery, and ask what you can do to be a better wife. Remember you are in plan A for life, and do you want to be right and have your way when you want it, or do you want to be married? Your H is doing very well, and in case anyone asks, I have been the QUEEN of the pity party, and I know what you are going through. If it is God's will that you know these details, and LEARN from them, and if it is not, you need to accept this. Not always in your time frame 3. Step back.

(Okay, I have the fireproof suit on and am ready for FLAMES!!!)

One other thought. Perhaps, a bit like MIMI, your H has had enough of the drama and wants some regular, normal time with family and YOU.

You know I love you and pray for you, I will let you know soon of all that has been goin' on for me. Yester day was youngest daughter's birthday, and she is 18!!!!!! Whoooooo Hoooooo! I am getting there one of these days!!!!

Please refer to the first paragraph at the beginning of the post and know that I know YOU.

Praying for you 3,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. And for goodness sakes, would you be nice, bite your tongue, and NOT say such damaging things to your H about ow? He has chosen YOU.

3,

I said that because if you were in true recovery, you would be feeling better, stronger and the times you would feel weak or unloved, your H would know and provide the reassurance you need. During recovery the WS s/b doing most of the recovery work.

In many cases, it appears to be recovery but when there still is contact, then false recovery happens more often. I am a victim of several false recoveries. Now I am cautious and justifiably so.

L.

3isa...

I'm gonna ramble here...take what's of use...leave the rest...

Not being a BS I obviously don't have the emotinal triggers of you...BUT do not imagine for one moment that I do not sympathize with your pain...or understand the desire for it...

but here is some of my musings...

First of all the things you are asking..
positions, number of orgasm...(all faked)
say you get all this...then what...what do you DO with information...
do you feel better if you find yourself in the "same" position as them...or does it taint and undermine the new intimacy you are and have established...

just really take a minute and see if that information sets you free or binds you more to doubt and pain...
Your answer is your answer...but I would think it all the way through...

Also remember that men are from Mars...he really may not remember...or have placed the same amount of important weight on those matters as you have/are...
perhaps he would have to do what he is trying to avoid..."lie"...to appease this request..
ummm let's see...we kissed once here..no it was twice...can't remember...
us women ...like elephants..we REMEMBER everything...
especially as he tries to move away from that part of him...

Detail are not , he feels they are distroctive and that I would not belive him anyway .

I bet the OW knows he home...
I bet she found out...don't you think...
and even if he didn't "tell" her...his actions sure did...

It sounds like his actions are saying better than his words that he wants recovery...
and if you don't heap a lot of positive reinforcements on what he is doing right...and keep at him over this issue or that one..
it's gonna crumble...he's gonna feel like nothing he does is good enough....

3is...I can be way off...but it sounds like his actions are on target...and even the words back it up...
remorse, regret, etc...

(waving hi to miss m...)

peace to you 3is...
ARK

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

MISSM - thanks for running , not walking over LOL (you know what I mean)
YES this does take longer for recovery , because n/c took so long .

I don't want anyone to think , that I thought I was in recovery while contact was ongoing , I was very careful not to confuse that . I didn't post recovery starting until N/C was in place .

FOR the big questions , WILL KNOWING ALL THESE DETAILS HELP ??? I was thinking they would , maybe I just wanted him to say them outloud to see him hurt more , I know thats terriable . I have seen his pain and I know it is wrong for me to want to inflict more .

Stunned - brought out great point if I get the info I need to know I can take it and then move past it . WELL at this point I know I will hold on to it to much .

Ark- you have said, the same words as H right now ," NOTHING I do will be good enough " so yes ther is a day in there where he feels , why do anything it will never please you . BUT then he starts over and SHOWS me that he is remorseful .

I know he is trying and at the same time he is getting frustrated . I know I give him a hard way to go .

When N/C went into place and we talked and I explained that the hard time was now , he agreed , the only thing he said, was I know what I have to do but this won't work if you want me to do this KISS YOUR A$$ thing for the rest of our life and if I don't that YOU will through this A up in my face every second of every day , you need to do your part to .

I know this is wrong of me thats why I am here , I am beating him with this A .

No MM I am not praying , I went right back into a pity party if thats what it is .

PHISICAL appearance yes I would say 1 one need .
SO I am scared , I can't live up to it .
I do show him affection more now in our M now then ever before , but I am not comfortable to be the one to start it . AND if I do and he is tiered or not feeling well and rejects me it drives me crazy and I go right for the A .

I say the most horriable things . APPERANCE means all to him and that includes his 2 , so now that he has gain ALOT of weight he is not comfortable either . this pisses me off 2 , cause it means nothing to me . I don't care if he can't move well cause his stomach got in the way LOL but him its an issue .

Then i trough tis in his face , YOU started to gain this weight when you where with her but it didn't stop you then ? He says it was not about the sex and we rarely had it . AGAIN I don't belive him .
So this is where he feels he can't tell me details cause I will always think he is lieing .

MAYBE he is right I built this A up in my head so much that I can't belive it any other way .

He says it started as freindship , she was at a low stage in her life and we had communication problems (admits his fault ) . and yes he hid the freind ship cause I would have went nuts at this stage of my life I was the most insecure person .
SHE leaned on him more and he felt great about himself to be able to comfort someone and they excepted it .

From there SHE feel in love , he then in turn felt we where hopeless but loved me . Never told me , he felt depressed and I turned him away and she did not . He is aware that it is NOT my fault but was his chioce to continue .

I have more in me but I got to go .

I know this is me , I need to see the work he is doing and start doing some myself . I just don't know how to get there anymore .

3:

Seems like to me what will work best for YOU and your marriage is to do PLAN A or to work on YOUR PLAN as Steve Harley told me.

This means focusing in on yourself and not him. I've learned through all of this that we can only control ourselves. Try to LET GO of controlling him. Focusing on your physical attractiveness, for example, will not only meet his EN but will also make you feel better. I work out every day for myself but my H is also at the gym with me.

Focusing on yourself will leave you less frustated and subsequently less angry.

I've also learned that we have to take this process of RECOVERY slowly, ONE DAY AT A TIME. It took a long time to get us to this place and will take a long time for us to dig out of it.

You know that I know how hard it is for you. I am right there with you.

Get on that treadmill and walk away that ANGER!!! You should see how I stomp that anger away!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

By the way, why do you think you can't work on your physical attractiveness?? Change your hairstyle, get a manicure, get those eyebrows arched. I do all that stuff now for myself. My H notices and appreciates this but I do it more for my own good feelings about myself as a woman. Don't give in to the low self-esteem that this has created for us. Fight it!! Plus, he will notice that you are making these steps.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

You said he's doing "nothing" wrong, but what is he doing to fill your Love bank? What is he doing to fulfill your EN and refill what was lost?
And what are you doing to gently lead him to do that?

It gets pretty sticky with H and I when I resent what he's doing or not doing when he doesn't pay attention to me. But I don't articulate that to him...I just get mad. I am working on that.

Maybe your anger isn't unwarranted...but maybe he can help fulfill your EN if he had a better idea how to...

3,

Okay, I am trying to wake up here, and I read your whole thread. Last night I responded to your first post, and didn't read the responses.

You have gotten a lot of excellent advice from all the wise ones here, you lucky gal!!!

Anyway, what I see going on here is what went on with me for quite some time after NC was established by FWS. Somehow, we BS's equate ongoing contact as ow having something more than we do. That is nonsense. I don't know if I am explaining this right because I am not quite awake and am not all there yet. LOL.

Anyway, I understand your torment. I still don't have all the dirty details. I got some of them and they torture me enough. You really don't need to know these things. I will never know everything. I don't want to know now.

I believe your husband. That he and ow didn't have SF that much. And if you are going to use these details to beat your H over the head with, which I think HE thinks you might do, then your H certainly won't be forthcoming with any more details that you want. Why would he? He is trying to move forward and you keep bringing him back to the past. He has reassured you, he has told you that in time it WILL be all you want.

Okay, get the hardhat on! bonk bonk bonk bonk
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You are LBing big time. And I believe you are hurting your recovery. Don't ever go to the TOW site again, 3, it is just firing your imagination and triggering you. Just because you read all that stuff doesn't mean it applies to you. What it is is you want all this info, and since your H is not forthcoming with the details you searched out the TOW site to see if you could get some answers. NOT HEALTHY. See what happened? It just triggered you and made your imagination go wild, because your H has not given you every dirty detail.

Your H is trying to protect you. And with your behavior lately, if I were him I would be scared sh!tless to disclose anymore info, as you might, just might beat him to death with it.

You are still grieving. You are wondering, how could he love me and do that do me? How could he let it go on and on when he knew how much it hurt me? It must have been something special indeed. What did she have that I didn't that my H continued contact with this evil person that was trying to destroy my marriage and my family? And the longer contact is ongoing the more it destroys your self-esteem.

You have to understand that your H was in fogland for a long time. It is hard for them to understand that they would choose someone that is not nice, or is a lowlife, over their spouse. They don't like to admit that they made a big, big mistake in character judgement. They don't like to see that they chose someone to have an A with that in reality wasn't that nice.

3, your H is doing all the right things. Quit bringing up the past. Stop name calling. Don't talk about the 'wh#re' anymore. He chose you. He has gained a lot of weight too. Isn't it ironic?
I guess he's not 'all that' anymore. Probably bugs him.

I agree with ark^^ and others. Work on yourself and your recovery. Don't go back to the past. What is done is done. You can't change it. What happened happened. There is nothing your H can do to make up for what he did.

Your H has made a lot of the right choices. He also doesn't want to be kissing your a$$ for the rest of his life, and it seems to me that that is what you are looking for right now. You cannot have everything at once. You are in early recovery.

If you expect to have your H kissing your a$$ then it looks like you want him to make up for what he did. He cannot. This is where FORGIVENESS comes in.

As it says in the serenity prayer: ACCEPT the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can (yourself), and the WISDOM to know the difference. Can you accept the things you cannot change, 3? Pray for God's wisdom to know the difference.

Stop bringing up the affair. Stop beating you H over the head with it. It is not helping your recovery. You have so many blessings and good things that are happening. Get it through your head that your H has chosen you. YOU. Be thankful and do what you can to make things happen. Your H said it will all come in time. Step back from this and have some patience, and work on you. Physical, mental, etc. Not in your time 3, or when you want it, but IN TIME. Have some patience I say!!!

Stay away from the TOW site, it won't bring you any insight and all it will give you is more pain and confusion. There are no answers there for you that will help you. It only hurt you, so hey, stay away.

Praying for you as always.

(waving back to ark^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Love in Christ,
Miss M

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Stunned - brought out great point if I get the info I need to know I can take it and then move past it . WELL at this point I know I will hold on to it to much . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay then 3 its time to ask the million dollar question....

Why will you hold on to it? You say you haven't been given everything you need. Then you say but I don't want it right now because I would hold on to it instead of using it for closure.

I will tell you want my very talented therapist told me. I asked her how come if I have everything I wanted out of my wife now then why can't I forgive and move past all of this.

Please read my story to get a better understanding:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539

She told me plain and simple....I was not ready to forgive, I was not ready to move forward.

3 for whatever reason YOU are not ready to move forward. Now is it the missing pieces or is it really something deeper?

Could it be that because your husband didn't strongly stand up for you that you are still uncertain of his resolve?

I know I was lucky my wife was actually glad it ended though she had wanted to have the strength to end it herself.

Or are there some other reasons?

I mean if he is doing the bulk of what you need to feel better. And all you say is missing are those pieces then do him and you a favor and GET those missing pieces so that you can GET past this.

Okay now I am being pushy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MISS M: Thank you for your help to ME in your post.

Please listen, 3. Miss M says so well what I was trying to say to you. Her POV has been my approach in my recovery and it seems to be right on.

I think focusing on our FWH and the gory details might be our way of trying to relieve our personal pain and sadness. I think there's no way around that. The point is to focus on ourselves in the present!!

3

Something just occurred to me what might be really gnawing at you.

When a spouse strays the betrayed spouse feels like they didn't stand up for the marriage, didn't stand up for you.

When he failed to standup to the OW part of you felt like you were second pick again.

In Feb shortly after recovery I was in a strange funk thinking we could renew our vows in Vegas on our 17th anniversary. Way too soon but somehow I think was trying to reclaim via vow renewals.

Anyhow things were rocky to say the least and we wound up drinking angrily at our casino bar. Neither of us are more than social drinkers so we wound up polluted. After some arguing and cooling down I made the comment one day she would have to write the OM a letter....an exercise recommended by our therapist. Well in her condition she boasted she could do one better. She picked up her cell phone intent on calling and cussing him out. But once on the phone she folded like a cheap tent and the meanest thing she said he wasn't much of a man for not owning up to his half in the affair (get this laugher he tryed to tell his wife my wife stalked him). She then wished him luck with his marriage.

I was crushed. Here we are one day from renewing our vows and she couldn't stand up for me/our marriage and cuss the guy out.

Maybe that is really what you need. Not positions not number of times etc.

Maybe you really need him to "standup" for you and your marriage.

Just a thought I think might be worth considering and if so maybe there is some symbolic act you both can do to meet that need. Maybe make a point to be out together in public that she is sure to hear about like perhaps her favorite hang out. And should you run into her perhaps your husband could pull you tight and walk right on by her both of you hand in hand.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

I agree with STUNNED. Great Point!

My favorite part of my H's NC Letter was his telling her that he is in love with his wife. In fact, it further felt good to hear her in the voicemail messages trying to come up with reasons why he would want to be with me. That part really got to her too.

You might need some symbolic declaration of his choice of you!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might need some symbolic declaration of his choice of you!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey mimi maybe he should fly her to Rome and in the middle of the fountain square scream "I LOVE THIS WOMAN!"

Hey 3 if does fly you remind him the commercial ends with the guy giving the girl a really nice piece of diamond jewelry.

What the heck if you are going to dream big 3 go all out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> well as I sit hear reading I am feeling so over whelemed one by all those who have taken the time to responed . TY.

The other is to face the trueth , STUNNED , You are right .

There will never be closure no matter what I know , nothing he will probbly ever do will be good enough .

I WANT HER TO HEAR IT , I WANT TO BE THERE FOR IT .I want to be STOOD up for !!! I want him to SCREEM it in her FACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is always what I wanted , I just never thought I should DEMAND it and I still don't want to .

I mean I did tell him loud (VERY LOUD ) thats what I want .

I wanted him to do it CAUSE HE WANTED TO , because he just loves me that much and she was supposed to MEAN NOTHING !!!!!!!

It had to come from him !!!!

AND it did not , it won't , this has been made very clear to me that it will never happen .

So MIMI there is no way to RUN in to her , he will not go to the BOROUGH where she lives with me
EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So is this a stale mate , do this or we get a DIVORCE !

His thing to me will be , I am working and want this M .
I am so very confused , I am hurting .

If he can't tell her ,then whats to stop a false recovery where contact will start again ??
I know he would tell me if she called or tried to , but thats not the point . I do belive him when he says I would never start anything up with her or allow her to start the contact either .
He does not want that DRAMA in our life ever again .AND never wants me to have that pain again that he caused me .

I go to a gym , i do my nails ect. No I haven't been very motivated lately . But I am not her and I guess thats my problem 2 . She is so perfect , shes young , body beutiful , I can't seem to get there . The young part well I can't go back in time .

I am sick , no this is not the pity party unfortunately its really me and the way I feel .

He sees nothing wwrong with her nothing .

HE just pitys her feels bad for her . Thinks she deserves good in her life and does hope the best for her . I hate that .

as always thank you all , I do not know where to go from hear , I have lost my way . I feel like a failure not to be able to have the man I love show his love to the ONE PERSON that I need him to . OW .

She wins , even if I have him she wins , she has what she wanted , If he came back to me , that I would not get over it , and that he would never tell her that he is with me . SHE told him that is the one thing he better never do is go back to his wife cause it would make her world crumble .

So even if she knows deep inside , at least its not real for her like it is for me .

In my world she is standing on top of me , and I am beneth her . All of this = not hurting OW selfesteem . BUT mine can be shot down .

he says teling her is about his self esteem , that he does not want to be known as the guy who did this to her life . AND admits very selfish but he will not go down like that .

MINE is for me you should not care what others think of you except for me , I am the only one you should have to worry about .

AND if making me happy and healthy is as simple as telling this PIECE OF $HIT you made a mistake and lied to her then H should WANT TO DO IT, NOT HAVE TO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa 3

Its not a stalemate. There can be symbolic ways.

For that matter he can write her a letter saying it was a mistake that he's sorry he messed her life up but nothing is more important to him than his wife and marriage.

He doesn't have to bash only stand up for you....though I do admit I love it when my wife refers to the OM as a fat F*

Its fair to say YOU NEED what YOU NEED but it can be done symbolically. He doesn't have to even do it face to face.

It doesn't have to be anti her just pro you.

Does that make sense?

But he does need to recognize that by entering into the affair he did not stand up for you. So in exiting the affair and asking for your forgiveness he does owe it to you to stand up for you.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: 3isacrowd ]</small>

3, I'm so sorry this is happening...you hurting all over again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But remember, somewhere back just after you got NC, how things were. I know you adore your H...you would not have gone thru so much to hold your marriage together if you didn't. Same here!

Our "ride" toward recovery was very similar. My H couldn't break "cold turkey" from that money-grubbin' you know what, that he thought he was ready to give up everything for. He wanted to fence-sit and be her "friend". I wanted to die everytime I got the cellphone bills. I asked him please, NC, but he was too tied up with "it" and I didn't enforce it cause I was afraid to be alone after all these years. So I tried the Plan A thing, like you and I was pretty rotten at it at first. Just couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. Never could do the Plan B thing, even though I was sure after reading here, that it was time. I wanted to, I hated being a weakling! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So, like you, I waited it out and things were pretty good, and gradually there were no more phone calls. H was good and understanding most of the time when I'd have bad days and bring up the A. And things were going along pretty good until last week. Then I found out the OW had moved to a slip that's directly in view of our boat. Immediately I started thinkng, OK they'll be gazing at each other like love-struck puppies, next thing you know, it'll be on again, etc.--start of major depression, then the fishing trip and potato salad and every other trigger came back to haunt! It was just like Dday again. This was last Monday night, day before the fishing trip. I was such a mess, crying, hurting, just couldn't stop. H kept asking why was I crying, why are you so down? I'm taking you fishing!

Anyway, I just worked myself into a tizzy, and for what? H hadn't done anything wrong and he was trying to deposit a fishing trip (major$$) in my love bank <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I almost ruined everything by allowing my thoughts and memories and insecurities to take over in such an awful way.

3, I think I said to you once before, that neither of us got out with what we really wanted. We wanted our men to want us and to tell the OW that in no uncertain terms. I know I wanted H not to care about her feelings more than mine. I think he thought,she's just my wife,I've already hurt her, so what's a little more, just in case it don't work out! I have to admit, I feel a little cheated since I didn't Plan B - my fault though. H didn't have to worry if I was going to be there or not. But I can't go back and Plan B him now. I can't go back and demand NC. That time has passed...I missed it, and I don't want to go back to redo it all.

Well I wrote a book, (my first one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) 3, don't go backwards now. Remember "backwards" is your H's thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugz to Ya!}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hi Miss M