PBL#2 DELETED. PBL#3 BELOW.

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Hello all. Late night. Can't sleep. Learned of another piece of outrageous stuff H is doing with OW. So here's PBL#2.

I really think I am ready to cut the cord. I can't lose at this point. This is all taking way too much of my time. Best to send PBL and forget about it, as they say.

I'll leave this on for a day, then delete. Too much would be recognizable by H or OW, should they show up here.

Deleted per A.M.'s request. Godspeed, A.M.

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

like J said <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

AMM,

Some good advice here so far. I had to re-write my PBL three times to try to vet out all the anger and hurt. I think I didnt get all of it though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember, it is NC for him until OW is gone. Not "I will MINIMIZE" contact. Not "this is a time sensitive thing." Leave a cloud of mystery about what happens next. If you say, "your time is almost up" or "I am moving on," that will seem as a threat...and in the fog world, will always bring negative connotations. You will appear to be controlling.

Instead, you are really just freeing him to his decisions, giving him the roadmap back if he decides to take it...and cutting all contact in order to spare whay love you have remaining. That's all he needs to know. Let him read between the lines. Let him wonder what is happening, where you are, who you are with.

I think the changes made above are great. I think JustJ had some well thought out changes that take out the anger/hurt/disappointment. Remember, if he is to come home, he has to feel safe. If the PBL sounds like a vindictful, hurting wife, then he will wonder whether he will be protected by coming home. Remember in the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible? When the sone returns, he expects anger and judgment by his father. What he got was a party, his robe and his ring (basically the key to the family bank account).

He must feel that even with everything that has happened, that the past will be the past. Not forgotten...just forgiven. There will be plenty of time to work through the hurts and pains once you are in recovery. But demands and threats only make him want to not come home.

So, all in all...a good start. Make the changes, and post again. I think you'll be ready by this weekend to send it to him...and to get on with your life.

In His arms.

AMM,

I have no personal experience with PBL's, so I'll limit what I have to say about yours.

I would suggest that you go through the letter, sentence by sentence, phrase by phrase and ask yourself about each part
1) What was my goal in writing this?
2) What effect is this likely to have on my H?

Then re-write, focused on your real long-term goal : establishing an exclusive, respectful, understanding, mutually benefitial, and committed relationship. Elliminate the parts which were based on counter-productive short-term goals such as judgement, control, revenge etc. and the parts which in your understand of your H, are unlikely to produce a response leading to your goal.

Think "Gettysburg Address", not the "State of the Union".

-AD

Thanks Lori, Mortarman, and J. Oh please don't worry about being blunt. I feel very little pride of authorship about this. Much of it has been cut and glued from other PBL letters on MB, and also from Ark's suggestions yesterday. (In fact, some of what you guys criticized comes from these other "model" letters!)

Obviously, with what I have just admitted, the big risk of this letter is insincerity. I am indeed misleading him about my feelings. So J, I can't say that I really want him to come home. Most of me at this point doesn't. Mortarman, my feelings of rage are absolutely scorching, and I have always been a specialist in disrespectful judgments. Obviously, this is what I would have to work on if he came home -- pretending that it will all be kissy mwa-mwa is a necessary fiction for this, I know, but this is really way beyond fiction, science fiction. J, you don't know my story, I think -- this is one of personal baggage by my partner, I wish to heaven I had more of a share in this, as it would certainly reduce some of my inner rage.

Mortarman, as you know, to a large extent, I am signing off on him. This is a goodbye letter. But I want to do it at the highest level possible, I want it to be flawless. To that extent, all comments are very helpful. I want to be able to look at this 30 years from now and say, "Wow!" The fact that I can't live up to it...well...

Lor, you are a good editor! I can't see, really, what you've cut. (By policy, I don't go back to the original because that just makes you want to reintroduce the old material. If it doesn't jump out at you, you don't miss it!)

MM, This has to be a "minimize contact" situation. I can't get into the details, but an absolute no contact situation simply will not happen here. As I said earlier, I am basically formalizing what I have done already in the past few months. I can be more intentional about it, and reduce contact even more, but contact is an inevitability in this situation. I don't want to set myself up for failure, and make each moment of contact a "victory" for him.

That's why I had the P.S. I'd like to preempt an immediate reply, but you all seem to think that was ill-advised.

In any case, my best reading of H is that this is exactly what he wants. He's going to "help" me a good deal with NC, and feel like he's giving me what I want. That's why this is a bye-bye letter.

All my feelings of numbness and "I don't care" really cover up my rage, I suppose. Funny, because I've never been a particularly angry person. So this is all new for me.

AD et al. Wow. You all keep saying "bitterness, revenge, hurt." I really didn't hear all those things in this letter! Guess it's proof how insensitive we can be to our own tone! Thanks.

Okay, here goes. PBL#3 below. I still don't think it's a "Wow!" letter, though...

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Mortarman,

The reason I put in the "time-limited offer" stuff is that I wish to leave myself a hedge -- I am moving away from this M at warp speeds. I can't promise to be there for him when he pulls his head from his oubliette. Most of me hopes I'm not. I can't see him changing.

Of course, this leaves him no options, either. He's already turned down opportunities to give up the odious OW. I hear the sound of a trap door closing behind him.

And it's just as well. This letter oozes a forgiveness I don't feel. I want to write the letter of a saint, but I am not a saint. No way could I be the person who wrote this letter. But I want it to be a great send-off as he moves into the beyond.

A.M.Martin,

Since English is my third language, I just lurk here. One thing that you want to change :

"P.S. Please don't respond or contact me unless you have ended the relationship with the OW."

to

"P.S. Please don't respond or contact me unless you have ended the relationship with the OW and willing to work on M".

Otherwise I am just lurking like always.

-rh-

Oh Redhat! Don't just lurk. I'm not sure I should add that. That makes this thing in perpetuity. Coming anywhere near NC in this small, liberal community is going to be difficult. It will be hard to do NC if, two years out, he's married to someone completely different.

I want to leave a little wriggle room in my options. But maybe this isn't wise.

i like it...
it sound like you...
I would change the wording....

These feelings are obviously counterproductive while you continue to have an affair across town.

change affair...to "other relationships"..use the word affair..and there's a great cliff to leap off to convince you it's not and "affair" but a soul mate looooove connection... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (gag-gag)..

In the past few months I’ve been able to detach somewhat from the terrible events of last fall and winter

change terrible to painful..hurtful.. speak to him of your pain/hurt...the word events are good that is without blame....

that no haphazard affair can shatter.
again great time for him to argue this is no mere affair... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
use the words outsiders or intruders...

When you finish with your affair –
guess what word I suggest changing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

and know a.m. I am not suggesting watering down or changing the definition of his infidelity..it's just using that term...one that WS respond sooo negatively to...as in they aren't having a run of the mill tawdry affair...no no no there's is a higher calling to life...and couldn't be helped...

I just hate to hand anyone a point to argue that fuels their ability to stray from the main topic at hand...

and what about some 180's after you give him the letter..sounds like you two run in various community circles...what about a weekend away in which you disclose nothing..not even that you are going...but "arrange" for him to hear about...

and about OW daughter always being intrusive...what about a chit-chat on the cell phone with her within hearing distance...with some unknown...but alluded too handsome cad.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

youv'e been a good girl..right where he knows where you are....

what about shaking that up a bit...and I am not suggesting dating someone...just the illusion...
and if you have any close single male friends that would be willing to just be friends out to dinner with....well in this case why not...

ARK

Ark,

All those 180s have already been done. I've frequently been away without him knowing where I am.

I have been escorted by male friends to various events -- and he has seen this. (Acted weird, but accepted it, in the end.)

That's one of my concerns about this letter. I have given all appearances of having moved on -- and in fact I have -- and this letter makes me sound like I am pining with a candle in the window. I'm not, and haven't been. This undermines future 180s.

Otherwise, changes accepted, with gratitude. I hate the word "relationship," though. Don't suppose we could use "licking OW's a**," or "chasing a floozy"? I want to be precise ("relationship" is so vague) and crisp, but don't, as you suggest, want to raise red flags.

Just passed H talking with someone he had a near-A with several years back. Will change last PS line to "other relationships." Plural. He may be running amok.

I'm so glad this is almost over!

A>M>

I'm ready for PBL # 6, 7, 8,...

husband (note no salutation of endearment)

eat sh** and die.

repectfully,
A.M. IAMWOMAN Martin.

that also works for me...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ark

Ark, I see you've stuck with the muscial standards, I think "eat sh** and die" is a song by Mudveyn...but I'm not sure, I can't really understand their yelling.

I think I've done the final tinkering, and this is a go, unless someone else sees something I might change.

Ark, I took out two affairs, but "extramarital relationship" is clumsy, and "shacking up with a floozy" blunt. I can't find a good word for this. It isn't a good thing. I'll have to let one slide through.

All in all, I like this one much better. If you're still working on it, I'd take out the word "obviously," but it's a minor point. (Ain't much obvious associated with an affair, when you're in it.)

You're right that I don't know your story, A.M. One of these days I'll go back and read, but if I start that now, I'll never finish what I came here to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, good luck, and godspeed on your way, wherever it is that you're going. From now on, it's ALL ABOUT A.M. You do what's right, and you love yourself. For YOU. With the exception of having your own affair, of course.

Oh, and why aren't you working on those disrespectful judgments now? Mr. AM Martin-to-be, whoever he is, would surely love to meet his wife-to-be AFTER she's done with that part of her learning and growing!

"Much better"????? What would it take to make it great!