Since ya called me out to take a whack at this I'll take some editorial liberties and explain at the end....
H,

Your visit last Saturday gave rise to many thoughts and feelings.

Being together made it easy for me to slip back into the role of loving wife. Offering you a cup of coffee, asking about your day and all of the little things that make our life together.

However, the reality of our marriage is that while I am making the coffee you are across town with another woman. I hope and pray that we will return to the life we have built together but until you are willing to commit to our marriage I need to live my life as it is, not as I would have it be.

In short, I want to work on our marriage and make it better than it has ever been but until you decide to end your affair, commit to ending all contact with this other woman and tell me that you want our marriage you are not welcome in our home or in my life.

This is not punishment, this is not a game. This is the only way I know of to preserve the love that i still have for you. I do love you, I do hope you will commit to us and I hope you will do so soon.

Hope however is not enough. You are my husband and you are a grown man. I will not wait patiently while you disrespect me and yourself as you have been.

When you are ready to talk, please let me know. Please respect me enough NOT to do so until after you have ended your affair and broken all contact with your girlfriend, until that time you are not unloved, but you are unwelcome. I am not putting a time limit on this, it is not an ultimatum, it is not a game and it is not negotiable.

The reason for this is very simple, continuing as we have will result in my no longer loving you and I will be gone. I do not want that to happen because I do love you very much.

Your wife.

......

Ok since you asked...

I tried to read this as a WS. WS are attention seekers. They are pursued by two women, woohoo.
The above letter acknowledges that you love him, are ready to work on the marriage and you hope he is too. But it ain't about him, it's about you. That is plan B. No guilt, no sarcasm, no nonsense - End your affair or do not, but you are not welcome unless you do.

I have heard it put many ways and this is the least eloquent but... A foggy WS has had enough pats on the back, he needs a foot in the [censored], right where his head is stuck.
Keep it short, kind, to the point. Don't put the importance on him and feed his ego. You want his reaction to be 'oh [censored]' not "Ok, cool, i can get away with this"

Best of luck
2.

Wow. Brilliant as usual, 2.

Sorry for the self-bump. It would be good to get some input on 2ofaKind's post.

Really, I don't think anything will get through to H. He's very self-absorbed, and planning yet another extended trip, possibly with Sad Sack OW. So he's trying hard not to look at his life -- bread and circuses. He'll probably succeed.

AMM,

I think 2ofakind has got it. It incorporates everything you are trying to say, and gives you the "out" you need.

When I wrote and delivered mine, I was done also. I couldnt even imagine what would happen if she actually got rid of the Troll and came back. The letter allowed me to let go. To see myself happy again.

So, as JustLearning said in that thread back in January...never, ever say never. As I am testimony to, things can change in an instant.

But in the meantime, I think 2's suggestions above prenty much complete things. And you can now move forward. If he doesnt care and this does nothing with him...then you have lost nothing. But you have done what was right...right up until the end. And you can be proud of that, and it will help you heal in order to meet that new Mr. AMM.

But, if his outer brain casing does suddenly become dislodged from his waste disposal unit, who nows what will happen.

Fire the last shot here...and then leave it to God. He will reward you.

In His arms.

Hi AM,

IMHO, 2's letter and yours pretty much sums it up. Is he going to recognize your style?

I would change 'girlfriend' to Mrs. ________. Keep the OW on a formal basis. No friend here. Right?

How do you feel? Plan B letters are harder to send then to deal with. The relief comes after you have delivered. So what are you waiting for?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,

L.
ps: You will be fine. Why? Because what you want and need is the right thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

A.M.Martin,

You go girl ... LOL !. R U going to SFBayArea MBer III ?. You need to talk to LULU <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-rh-

Boy Orchid,
It was the opposite for me...my letter was much better to send than it was to deal with the next week. I "fell of the wagon" many times. It was like I was addicted to the WS and couldn't get enough...had to be in contact. I had to stay busy and let the cravings pass.

That may not be a problem with your situation AM because you have been apart...but I see a couple of different things happening after you send the letter. He'll either call up angry...He'll call up apologetic...He'll call up nonchalantly (feeling you out)...or he'll not call at all (have I left any out?). Make up a plan ahead of time for each of these scenarios, then stick to it. How will the Plan B work for you?

Oh, yeah, I like the new version, too, as long as it's YOU, A.M. If you can say those words with a straight face and sound heart, go for it! If there's -anything- that rings wrong, take it out or change it.

And don't forget that most of Plan B ISN'T the letter! It's the life you lead afterwards, and the life you planned for beforehand. Do you have all that stuff in place? Not just what you're going to do when he calls/doesn't call. But what about passing each other somewhere, or other casual contact? How are you going to handle it?

I think it was Mortarman who RPed (roleplayed) all the scenarios he could think of, and that's a great way to proceed. Make sure you've got your script -down-, no matter what your WH says in a moment of anger, hurt, or (certainly possible) remorse and love.

Many thanks, everyone. You have no idea how much I've appreciated all your help...well, maybe you do.

I finally sent it off a few minutes ago, after hashing over last-minute thoughts and changes with Cerri over the phone. Some things that others were suggesting just sounded "wrong" to me -- and I wanted to make sure it was my knowledge of the history and particulars, and not my inexperience and prejudice, making that call. I know the letter is not as important as the fact that I send it -- but I wanted it to be my best shot, for it's my final shot.

It's not the letter I wanted to write. I wanted it to be the best, the most moving letter of my life. It's not. There's just not enough feeling left for it to be that. As others have reminded me, that's not it's purpose, anyway. It was cobbled together by committee -- how sad, after so much love!

No, J and Mortarman, I am not looking forward to another marriage. Two should be enough for anyone -- if I keep picking the wrong men, as my friends insist, maybe it's just time to admit there is something wrong with my selection mechanism, and let it go. I want to do other things with my life now. In any case, in this marriage I gambled everything, and I have lost too much to consider the game again.

And J, I'm not expecting to hear from him at all. I know him well. He would not get angry, he would not do anything that would make him look like he is not in control. I will probably see him tonight at the same social gathering. (And J, could you edit out your critique of my first letter? I've removed from this site anything that identifies me too closely, as H knows about it.) Ark, going away for the weekend was a good idea -- but I'm having dinner here with my stepsons tomorrow night.

I was terrified until the moment I pressed the send button. Now, I must admit, I feel only relief. It is really time to stop planning, plotting, thinking about this, and address the areas of my life that have been thrown into crisis by his thoughtless exit.

Please, everyone, pray for me.

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

A.M.Martin,

You did your best and this plan B is a closure and signify your last shot. I am glad you finally send it.

God Bless you and hope we could see you in Metreon.

-rh-

A.M. -

Congratulations on the SEND! Take some time and just live for a few days. Your emotions will, I suspect, rocket all over the place over the next few weeks. Give yourself permission to express them (in the car, say, while sitting in a secluded area by yourself), and give yourself permission to be happy, too.

Two marriages sounds like it might be enough, and at the same time, there are plenty of people in the world who would probably love to meet the YOU who's under the hurt and anger and numbness right now. Heck, I'd like to meet you and I've never even seen you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Breathe in and out over and over again, and remember how good that simple thing feels. You're great, girl! Just great.

So....

You left out the important part.

After having your manicure and hair appt tomorrow where are you going to shop for a nice new something just for you before you and your lady friends go to dinner???

(Psst. this is 2ofakindese for get out, do whatever boosts your spirits and take care of you)

2.

AM,

How are you doing? Never knew you were carrying that burden, eh?

Now go and pamper yourself. As for any social commitments, go forward knowing you are ready to move forward. Yes, there will be down times, know this and when it happens the setback will not last as long.

We are here for you. Also you have our #s.

Hugz,
L.

Hello, everyone. I wanted to delay replies till some stuff was removed from this site that H might be able to identify before I bumped it again.

No, I'm not rocketing at all, J. My emotions about this have been pretty calm for awhile, because they are unstimulated. Writing the letter dredged up a lot of the anger and pain, but it's a room that I'm not going into, and now the door to that room has been closed.

It's like most of me has lost all feeling for H and my marriage (though you are right, MM, I might just be numb). But there was a strong, vociferous minority vote in me that still wanted to fight for my marriage. I have given those voices in my head my best shot. I really don't think I can do any better. Now it is time to go with the majority, and that is a relief.

No more wondering, "What if...?" "Could he...?" "Should he...?" No more taking the temperature in the situation. No more imagination, wondering what this or that means, or whether the A is almost over.

I am moving into a future without him. He can file the papers when he's ready. He can get more b**w jobs from half the women in town if he wants to. I'm out.

Honestly, I don't think I'm going to hear from this guy ever again. But I want to take a huge break from thinking about this, obviously.

2oaK, I didn't take a bubble bath, but I am checking out my favorite perfume on ebay. And getting a beautiful necklace! But honestly, 2, that's not the kind of thing I am into, for the most part.

I just want to read again -- read something other than self-help books about adultery, pornography addiction, his health problems, etc., etc., etc. I want to disconnect from all of this and have long, wonderful thoughts about, say, Tolstoy's "Resurrection."

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

AM,

Glad to see you are in personal recovery. I think you doing happy things for yourself is healthy.

You have a beautiful smile and eyes to match. Make sure you show that to the world each day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Just saw H in public -- with OW, looking her usual miserable self. Apparently, the PBL didn't change a thing.

He's happy, I'm happy -- a win-win for everyone!

Plan B letters don't produce instant results. Remember some of the best recipes require....simmering or stewing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let him stew over the letter. U go out and enjoy yourself.

L.

AM, you didn't answer me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , are you coming to SFBayAreaMBer III ?.

If WH don't return you have a closure ... like Orchid says ... it takes time to sink in. Usually 3 months for man and 6 months for woman but then again it depend on the individual.

I know it is too early to talk about it but why won't you file when you are ready ? .... dragging this too long is not helping your D & S.

-rh-

I want him to file, if that's what he wants. I will not have this decision on my conscience. He can have it on his. There's plenty of other stuff there.

The kids don't even think about this stuff. I doubt they even think about whether D is filed.

Sorry about the ambiguity, Redhat. I don't know about Metreon yet -- it's a bit of a trip for me, and I will know how the month is shaping up closer to the date. I'll just have to hang loose.

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

POST PBL SHOCKER! I was just speaking with my SIL, who is quite religious.

She told me FIL had a problem in this area, that surfaced early in their marriage, even before kids were born. MIL moved out because of FIL's affair.

SIL doesn't know if it surfaced again in any other As -- he, too, became very religious, so probably learned to control it -- but he always had a philandering eye. And MIL was always uncomfortable about it.

Even H doesn't know this!

She is very supportive -- I was scared to call her (I've only met her a couple times -- she lives across country).

When we were in counseling, we had always denied this. SIL and FIL appeared to have a perfect, wonderful marriage -- perhaps they finally did.

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>