File this info away. R U really shocked? Might be but not for long.

Hugz,
L.

A.M. --

I'm very glad you're calm, though I suspect that the emotions will still come and go as time goes on. The time after my first (only) Plan B letter was one of immense relief, but also complete torture, because of the denial of contact with my DD. That turned what should have been the beginning of my personal recovery into a four month long nightmare that hasn't fully ended yet.

So... I guess I can see how other people might actually get into Plan B and be safe and not have to live through more trauma. I really hope that's the case for you!

And I think that a new necklace sounds like a lovely thing, as does reading something other than self-help books. I put all of mine far, far away not too long ago. And the house felt cleaner afterwards.

Am - Wasn't kidding for a change... Like to Read? Cool, me too. Leave the cell off, get a nice bottle of your favorite wine, grab a book, blanket and spot in your favorite OUTDOOR location and get the hell out of the house tomorrow or you will be subject to a wet noodle beating.

Guess what? At the end of the day you are the ONLY one who can make YOU feel anything - others can just contribute. Those who contribute what [censored] has been contributing should not be allowed to particiapate - Assuming you went somewhere where you EXPECTED him and his ego fix to show up suspecting them to be there QUIT THAT CRAP!
Assuming it was an accident? I am sorry it happened and hope a pigeon shat upon her head.

Hang in there and remember - Plan B is about YOU making YOUR life great with or without hamster-man. He may or may not come around and decide he wants his real life back - if he does? You may or may not give a damn.

he had to get in touch with his inner child or some such smarmy excuse laden crap - why should you not get in touch with your innner b!tch and not give a crap?

Hang in there, read, feed the ducks, hang out with the kids, read them a book, have a picnic and remember - you already have an ******* dear, he is therefor extraneous.

2.

Geeze 2, your reach out and touch technique is soooo blunt!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ....and I love it.

AM, pay attention here..... 2's words are true. That MB 2x4 was sent with love so go to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

So much has happened in the last 24 hours I can't believe it. Long conversation with stepson. Lots of complicated difficulties with kids, and in their relationship with H, I didn't know about, but will be addressing now, in a no contact situation. This is the first time I have had a long, personal convo with this son -- the other is the one who has lived with us, and we (D and I) were at first disappointed he couldn't come to dinner, too...instead, a very different kind of evening. A surprise. New crisis with D, counseling with her -- so it's almost 1 a.m. and I'm still not ready for bed. So my life in the first day has been unexpectedly full, in unexpected ways.

With all this going on, and SIL, I inadvertantly stood up some friends I was supposed to meet after dinner.

No, 2, the bizarreness of my situation is that I am locked into some public situations where I will see H, and usually OW. I avoid these meetings by cutting myself off from my own life and sources of support. I can minimize, but not eliminate. That's why I spoke with Cerri, so I could go through some of this stuff in more detail. It's likely I will be seeing H & OW tomorrow morning, too. But that doesn't mean that I have to speak to him at all. We are in a very public situation.

Outside with a bottle of wine? You must be kidding. I never go outside if I can stay inside. Inside was created to avoid the outside. Anyway, I have a Monday deadline I have to meet first...then...maybe I'll think of something like that.

I really like being with the kids.

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2ofaKind:
and remember - you already have an ******* dear, he is therefor extraneous.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't you mean to say : "extraanus" ??
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't you mean to say : "extraanus" ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Goll dang it Pepper, now there's Diet A&W Rootbeer all over my keyboard!!!

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

Am...

Coupla thoughts.

1. Let him file, do nothing to advance a divorce you do not want. Feet can be dragged for a long time and it can be unpleasant when he realizes what half means.

2. Your ambivalence gives you time to heal you, spend time on work, kids, exercise, redo that bathroom etcetera. When my XW skedaddled my Home Depot bill each month had a comma in it.

IF you have to see him and her out in public let them see you taking good care of yourself, hold your head up and be proud - it is normal for a BS to feel embarassed. That is normal but silly - think it over - when you see some guy with his affair partner at the same place as the wife everyone in the room thinks the same thing - "What a jerk" and they do not mean you.

Not knowing your town and social circles I would imagine that the ladies in your circle will treat her with all the warmth Osama would get at a 9/11 memorial service. She should bundle up - it will be chilly.

Meantime if you hold your head up and live with the dignity that you have inside you will have your own respect and that of everyone else.

BTW- I am a nuisance and a pest and am very overbearing, will keep nagging until you tell us you did something for yourself just because.

2.

Thanks, 2. I'm in no rush for a D. I'd kind of like to see how the picture looks after the A ends, whether or not I'm in the picture or not. That would be the first time he filed, and the first time he undergoes a D without the back-up in place. And I have plenty of monkeys on my back without the D. There's lots in my life to sort out. He can pay for the D, if he's so eager to have another one.

Again, the PBL doesn't change much in this case. We are going to see each other, probably a couple times a week, at least, at the same events. As this morning -- we passed each other, nodded hello, that weird energy when two people nodding have a connection beyond nodding. From the way he reacted, I take it he was happy to get the PBL, since it assured him he was still loved. That means he's got 2 instead of 1. "Woohoo," as you say, 2oaK. So the love part worked -- not sure the rest penetrated. It's been too close to NC for too long. Who knows? I'm out of the mindreading business. That was your concern all along, 2, but this is a man who has received no serious criticism for decades. I'm the only one who went in for occasional butt-kicking; OW, I'm afraid, was all adoration (then). The rest is history.

OW wasn't there then, but joined him later. I left.

But before I did, I was sitting on a bench, talking to a friend. H parked himself a few feet away and was talking, audibly, to someone so the sound of his voice overshadowed our conversation. Coincidence? Maybe. But it's amazing that out of a crowd of several hundred, I "noticed" him. This sort of behavior is usual -- it doesn't mean anything. Now that Plan B is in place, it can't go anywhere.

All the new situation does, really, is clear us both of the imagination that we might gradually come back together again without serious soul-searchings and decisions. There will be no looking for an excuse to send an email, or exchanges of keys that turn into conversations, etc. And I will start to encourage those parts of me that are looking forward to a permanent separation. I will keep reminding myself of all his shortcomings, and how lucky I am to be out of it.

I've already done the "time to heal ... spend time on work," etc. Now there just won't be so much force pulling me in another direction.

Yes, there is part of oneself that feels ashamed, embarrassed at being in public with them. I don't listen to it. Most people (women, too) are condoning the affair, to some extent -- or caving in, it has been six months after all. They figure there must be something wrong with me if he left. But if I'm not mistaken, it's left a funny taste in people's mouths. They are waiting for the next scene.

And oh, don't worry, 2, I love your bluntness! Keep it coming.

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

From the outer stratosphere of the bizarre: tonight, OW's Son-in-law invited me to dinner, with OW's daughter and a few others. I refused, very politely, as I had another engagement.

What were they thinking? Just because I behave politely, do they not realize I am a seething maniac? I certainly have chilled both of them on many occasions...can't they take the hint?

Are they trying to dump H back on me, now that they have debauched him and he has not fulfilled their selfish fantasies? What is this about?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>What is this about?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't go crazy guessing ... and don't play their game. Just watch them from a distant... similiar when we watched those lemur@SFZoo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>From the outer stratosphere of the bizarre: tonight, OW's Son-in-law invited me to dinner, with OW's daughter and a few others. I refused, very politely, as I had another engagement.

What were they thinking? Just because I behave politely, do they not realize I am a seething maniac? I certainly have chilled both of them on many occasions...can't they take the hint?

Are they trying to dump H back on me, now that they have debauched him and he has not fulfilled their selfish fantasies? What is this about?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well that is interesting now isn't it?

Entirely up to you but in your shoes this would be like a good dose of fiber - it would irritate the crap out of me.

Perhaps they do not condone what is going on and want to talk to you? Might be worth asking what's on their minds. if they are in support of the 'relationship' then I wouldn't pee on their head if their hair was on fire but if something else might be worthwhile.

Suggestion regarding H's behavior?
Work on ignoring him more. Make an effort to be on the other side of the room, avoid being close enough to talk etc. He just happened to stop right near you when he was busy boring the crowd huh? Maybe PBL is starting to get into his head and he wants to test it out.

Don't show any signs of giving a crap. He is still flaunting OW in your face? Well you've decided that if that is his attitude you have no interest in any contact right? The less contact you have with him the more shaky his fence becomes, the more interest you show, the more solid that post is.

As far as the D? You are right, let him do everything, do nothing to assist and if it is forced on you then interview the 10 best D attorney's in town (which means he can't hire any of them) and then hire the best. With his very public affair a request that he pays both side's expenses is quite likely to succeed.

In any case ignoring him is best - whether he wakes up and runs home begging or runs off with his whateveryacallit ignoring him and moving forward for YOU is best bet, right?

So... whaddaya gonna do just for you? (Nag, nag, nag)

Oh no, 2, it's weirder than that. OW's D is OW's only confidante. She was the Marcia Lewis to her mom's Monica Lewinsky. And from the D came the news, through third party, that OW wants out in a bad way (maybe true, maybe not). Hence, the oddness of this.

There wouldn't have been much space for a private chat in a dinner for six (that's why I would not have been able to ask "What do you have in mind?" The obvious answer would be "Dinner for six.")

But obviously something is up. OW's SIL said, "Another time, then" in closing the conversation. Polite closure, or will they try again? Do I have to be rude? Or keep having other engagements?

In any case, I'm in zero hurry to resolve this. The idea of the Return of H, with all the problems of recovery, does not make me pant with anticipation.

I'm enjoying my freedom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In any case, I'm in zero hurry to resolve this. The idea of the Return of H, with all the problems of recovery, does not make me pant with anticipation.

I'm enjoying my freedom</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And your ambivalence to see his sorry butt will do a lot more good than being sweet and putting the focus on him. No milk and cookies for him.

I had a little bit of a teentsy nasty streak toward my XW and her BF when she left... someone asked me what I was going to do to take vengeance on him (I outweigh him by nearly a Backstreet Boy).

My response? "Let him keep her"

If your laughing you are breathing and hence there is hope. So...whatchya doin for you this week? Preferably something indulgent that you would ordinarily feel compelled to defend.

You are adorable, 2!

Buying a necklace is plenty extravagant for me, believe me. I'm a tightwad.

And when I get this deadline met...oh, we'll see. Have to go out of town on Wednesday. Maybe then.

As I've said before, the PBL doesn't do anything radical for my external situation. I was already enjoying the freedom -- now just a little bit more, because I have an aim I will not break, so I'm less in a daily decision-making mode, even when the "decisions" were imaginary.

A.M., your strength just amazes me. Keep doing the good things you do, and keep focusing on treating yourself well. I admire you tremendously! I know the toxicity that WS and OP bring to our souls all too well, and it astonishes me that you manage to be polite through it all. You go girl! Don't let 'em get to you, no matter what weirdness happens.