I thought it would all work out but I think I'm a fool.

Sept. 10, 01 was d-day #3. I don't have to tell you the devastation...it was awful. I have worked so hard all this time to be a better person and H has made some real positive changes as well.

One of the things that has been very hard for me in our relationship is that he likes to tell everyone about our business. He tells our employess about what we are doing to try to expand, who he's gonna borrow the money from and everything him and I have talked about. This has happened a few times this week. And it is something that we have talked about and he has done so much better...only talking to me about this stuff until recently. I have done a much better job of listening to his ideas and plans so he wouldn't feel the need to go tell the world about it but apparently he just can't help it.
And when I finally said the other night that I really don't like hearing you tell the employees about what we're doing he said it's not a big deal. So, he has pushed aside everything we agreed on and decided he can do it if he wants to. He also went to talk to a guy about borrowing money to expand (something the employees knew more about than me) without discussion with me. He said he was gonna do it but never asked what I thought or had any discussion. This was not a bank guy but a private individual (one of our former customers) and he wants to borrow 3-400,000 bucks. Seems I should be better informed.

Another issue I have is that he trades stocks on the computer during our off-season. He lives and breathes this crap. Now this is a guy who is a recovering alcoholic (almost 14 years) and has addictive tendencies. He does not see it as gambling or anything wrong...again he doesn't understand why I can't just be o.k. with it.

He went to AA meetings for a few years and then slacked off, and during that time we were very active in church stuff. Then that stopped. Then a few years ago he started gambling, I mean trading, and I just can't accept it.

Well, right before his last affair he started going to meetings again. Then when the A started, he would tell me he was going to a meeting but go to her house. (I found this out after d-day).
He hadn't been to a meeting since then until a few weeks ago. I came home from taking my daughter to something and he was gone to a meeting with a friend. It hit me like a ton of bricks...huge trigger. I told him about it and that I was really struggling with it. He was real good and asked if he should just not go. I said I didn't know how we should handle it. We didn't get back to it.

On tuesday night I told him how I was not liking it that he was telling people our business again and he didn't like that.Thenthe same night he went to the meeting when his friend showed up. I told him this morning that I had a problem with it because it's a trigger. He got real quite and I can tell he is thinking that I am over reacting and that I should be over it. He asked what he should do, just not go to meetings? I told him I don't know but I would just like him to listen to me and let me tell him how I feel and try to work something out. I would like him to care that it is a problem. Might be asking too much though.

I have a hard time believing that AA is helping him and I hate that he used that (meetings) to enable his affair, which he has not told them about (the buddies at AA) So, I feel like there is deception there. I don't feel like it is an honest and open relationship with that group. Also, he does not acknowledge a gambling, i mean trading, problem so that is not honest either. I had hoped that pre d-day by going to meetings he may see that he is in another addiction with the trading but instead he had an affair.

I am in a bad way today. I am going to make an appointment with Steve Harley (I have counseled with him before-H did once) but right now it is not about saving this marriage. It is about getting out with the least amount of damage. I am over it...I can't take anymore.

Please help me.

Thanks for all the help.

Hi there MAL,today is the 13 anniversary of meeting my W, 10/8 will be our 9th Wedding anniversary. 18 months since D'day, I have been good,no contact etc. Why do I feel so down today. I cant help you but if need an imaginary buddy to drink a beer with, I am here.

Good luck

I read your post and tried to understand your H's point of view. I'm not sure, but I think that your "bad way" may be coming out of the blue for him.

He's been to AA and not just to cover up an affair. My H had an affair at work. That doesn't mean that I get upset about his going to work.

Your H has traded stocks. That's nothing new.

He wants to expand the business. Maybe sometime in the distant past, you said something about privacy, but he did't understand exactly what your concern was and he didn't pursue it because you never brought it up again.

I heard a Harley radio program last week that I thought was just excellent. He more or less said that the notion of unconditional love is destroying marriages. It presents the idea that someone needs to naturally be the person whom the other person can love or someone can do what he wants without regard for his mate. Harley said that the basis for great marriages is a lot of specific requests which are considered and then an agreement is reached enthusiastically by the couple. What exactly do you want your mate to do? If he had an affair through AA, would you prefer that he never go? Could he go to a different location? How can he address his desire to be in a support group about alcohol? TALK. From what you have said, I suspect there may be a confused but well-meaning guy who is on the receiving end of your frustration.

MAL, I spend most of my time on the D/D board so I haven't responded to you before. I'm wondering if you've ever been to Al-Anon? I know your H is sober, but the Al-Anon program is for you, it helps you take your focus off of the alcoholic/addict and his behavior and put it back on yourself, where it can actually do some good. A friend of mine in Al-Anon describes focusing on her H and his issues as having the "he-he's" as in, "He did..., and then he..."

I know whereof I speak. My H is an active addict/alcoholic who's been living with the MOW for almost 3 years after an EA/PA of about 4 years - and the Harleys say A's don't last! I have a restraining order and haven't seen or heard from him in about a year and a half. We started a business together nine years ago and my H sounds like yours as far as making spending decisions without talking to me. Al-Anon has been a lifesaver for me.