I also posted in JFO as I know can be kinda slow on the weekends....

My ws has been having affairs since I was 8 months p.g. with my second son. He turns 3 in November. How many affairs? I don't know. I know there has been 2 in other states.. They are confirmed. My gut says at least one local.. And now I'm sure of one local. After several months of no signs of any affair, I find a stray number on his work cell. I call it. Woman answers.. I say -"you were on my caller id and I'm just trying to figure out who you are.. Can you tell me your name".. She hung up and hasn't answered her cell since.

My husband is defending the number informing me it's none of my f* business. Am I going to put a beeper on him for the rest of his life-- on and on. Obvious fog talk.. Obvious another woman...

Now what.. I'm dying inside. We don't fight, yell or scream.. I've been in plan A since I found out 1 year ago last month. The exact same time I found out about the A, I also lost my career job in one of the highest unemployment rates of the country. I can't see taking a low paying job, when I make more on unemployment. I would come out behind by the time I put my 2 boys in daycare with a low paying job. So- I am looking very hard for a job- came very close to a couple very good jobs, and I'm starting a volunteer training in 2 weeks which get my foot into the DA's office and into the Dept of Justice.. So I'm not just sitting around..

Now what. Do I kick him out? Proceed with divorce? But there's my two boys. Everytime I look at them I just fall apart. How do I say "I need to get out of this marriage because it's killing me slowly inside", when the boys absolutely love their dad and pull every ounce of stability out from under them, and every chance of having a stable, family to grow up in.. How do I say that my needs are more important then there's? My ws and I don't fight- argue- nothing in front of the kids. They love their dad. Same sex parent- always the most important.. They sit on the porch in the morning waving goodbye when he goes to work - little tears on their faces.. "I'm going to miss my daddy today.. I really love him".. They wait on the porch when he's coming home.. Or hear his car and run out to greet him. For all this crappy A stuff, we are an extremly tight family. Playing family games every night. Eating together everynight. How do I say my needs are more important then there's. I don't know what to do.
All of these put me over the kids.
1) kick my ws out of the house
2) tell my ws we need to put the house up for sale- he can stay in the house until it sales- then we'll file divorce.
3) file divorce, he can stay or leave, then sale the house through the divorce court proceedings..

To put my beautiful boys first.. Suck it up, get a job, and hope my ws pulls his head out of the sand..

I don't know.. How oh how can I put my boys through this pain....

Ana

You owe it to your sons to do what you can to get your M on track. This is setting a VERY POOR example for those two little ones.

My H followed in his father's footsteps...even though he didn't want to.

You may need to ask your H to leave until he decides whether or not to recommit to the M (or commit for the first time). Your sons need a good role model!

Dear Anna

your story is heartbreaking...

I am so very sorry for your pain...

Sometimes we are faced with really tough decisions that appear insurmountable at first...

and change is always always difficult...

I think you need to go to plan b....
he has absolutely no consequance for his actions...
he is a cake eater extroidaniarre....hinging on abuse...(emotional) and know that is not a label I throw throw around lightly...

I would set an internal time limit for you to begin plan b.

In the mean time I would make serious efforts at 180's and divorce busting that set the stage and give you practice at detaching....

I would also really really really work on changing your routine and your childrens focus on their attachment to their dad...
I have three children...a five and four and and two year old...and they too love their dad...but be wary of the amount of power he is wielding over them in creating the drama with his comings and goings...

I would change the routine so that they aren't pining and crying for their dad...I would distract with evening activities and fill their universe with other thoughts than where is daddy...

this is not some type of preperation for divorce...it is just advice on not making him such a focus in such a way that he has power over their emotional well being and the ability to have control over you over the sense of their emotions....

In some sense it is a manipulation of keeping you and them where he wants you....home and quiet...
while he's off having multiple affairs..

no more sitting on the porch..put a CD on they love to dance to...and when it's time for daddy to go to work...be dancing in the kitchen with the music blaring...and wave bye bye...(currently in our house we are grooving on the Beatles...)tried some grateful dead yesterday which the two year old and I especially enjoyed...

have them in the tub when he leaving...splishing and splashing...kiss kiss daddy...here's the silly soap...no time for tears...buh-bye

NO more hanging on daddys every move...make the change subtle and slowly...

Eating together everynight.

glad to hear this...this Monday night though...hubby comes home...say dinners readyl...
I'm going out for a bit...
LOOK MARVELOUS..smell even better and scoot...call me if there's an emergency...
be back later...

no details..
just got some things I want to do...

I don't care if you sit at the gas station..out you go...

and then do it again on Thursday...
be happy
smiley
and outta there...
mysterious...

moving on..
join a class without his "permission"

be gone...

plan a weekend trip with a friend..let mr mom see what it's like to be a REAL DAD....not the cherry on top dad...

I will find the 180's divorce busting and post it to you...

We don't fight, yell or scream..

My husband is defending the number informing me it's none of my f* business.

no he just slowly and insidiously attacks you...

time to change and shake him up...
time to find yourself again...
time to detach you and your children from him..

He needs to experience a little taste of reality...of his consequences...

Once you establish a job...
plan B....

without a doubt.
you don't deserve to live like this..the longer he keeps you like this..
consider taking a job in the evenings when he is home...regardless of the pay...think seriously about that...

much blessings to you and yours
ARK

Still making it here.. thank you for the input.. It is something that really worries me. Either that my boys think it's o.k. to just use "mom".. she's just the women (especially being the only women in the house- and this is how I'm treated). Or them thinking Affairs, divorce, are just part of life. This really bothers me.

Ark says </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you need to go to plan b....he has absolutely no consequance for his actions...he is a cake eater extroidaniarre....hinging on abuse...(emotional) and know that is not a label I throw throw around lightly... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are 100% right. And I know it. I need plan B.. I know it's the only way to turn. But oh how it's a hard turn with 2 little boys...It would be difficult without kids, but definitely manageable--but with 2 little ones. Well- you know...

Ark says: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> this is not some type of preperation for divorce...it is just advice on not making him such a focus in such a way that he has power over their emotional well being and the ability to have control over you over the sense of their emotions....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good idea. The problem is when I deny him his boys even a little- he says I'm being a b* by trying to keep his boys away from him.. Where is the line here? Where is the line between "using the boys" to make a point- and doing what needs to be done? Does that make sense? I never ever want them to feel like a pawn in this. And is it fair to deny them from him? I'm confused on this...

Ark says: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eating together everynight.

glad to hear this...this Monday night though...hubby comes home...say dinners readyl...
I'm going out for a bit...
LOOK MARVELOUS..smell even better and scoot...call me if there's an emergency...
be back later...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok- I agree - but I first have a question. Part of our marriage problems have been how independent I am. How I have always been able to do things on my own. Would this be a lb, or more of a wake up call as since I've been being the "good wife" since I learned of the Affairs. I do paint ceramics on Thursday nights, and starting Oct 7th, I'm starting a volunteer program I'm very excited about. It's wroking in the DA office for crime victims. 5 weeks of classes, 2 nights a week, then go through interviewing, testing to see if you qualify. Besides being something I'm very excited about- it focuses on me, and should help open doors to a job.

So do you think I shouldn't begin Plan B until I have a job and more stability for the kids? But for now- just live for "us".. me and the boys.. and do some major radical changes?

Thank you-- Thank you-- Thank you..

Ana

The problem is when I deny him his boys even a little- he says I'm being a b* by trying to keep his boys away from him..

wanting to and encouraging your children to be in tears lined up on the porch every morning when daddy goes off to work....is no better for them...

it's kind of creepy that playing with the kids in the morning instead of lining them up to mourn his leaving makes you a bi5$#....
sounds like he oooozes the emotional abuse...

anastasia...I 100% think you should go to plan b now...but if you aren't ready then think about detaching...

You are not using your children by engaging them in other activities to learn healthy parent child seperation..
and i don't want to sound tough...mr. ark or I when leaving especially the two year old HAVE to sneak out..cause if he sees us going..he too will cry...
but neither of us want him crying so which ever one is staying will engage him in something...so the other can go off peacefully...

Ceramics is good...I'm talking about just out..none of your business where I am going out...will be back soon..no need to worry..I'll be fine...

a little mystery...

Ana I am concerned that he plays this role of the good dad while under his breathe emotionally and verbally abusing...under this great guise of being a good dad...

I am concerned about what this does to you...and what becomes your reality vs how marriages should be...

have you in the past exposed his affairs to family..
do others know about his activities...

also could you move in now with family...cause I do think you should...and know I am way pro-marriage...but he doesn't sound like he has a clue about being a real man in a real marriage...

deny him his boys.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
puke puke puke gag gag gag...what a wieniee..

(usually anna I have to know you and your hubby a lot better than this before I start insulting him...but your hubby has me triggering all over the place... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I beg forgiveness for that...

I believe he is using your children to keep you down and where he wants you...under his thumb while he's out philandering...

you are in my prayers...
ARK

Ark- you are giving me some excellent brain food. Lots to think about. I started two threads because sometimes on the weekend- no one is here!!! I thought I might make one "hit" havig two. I'm putting the other thread here so you can read it also. Between you and Star I'm getting wonderful and much much needed advice.

I totally agree I need to plan B.. totally- but I'm confused after tonight he said for the first time- he doesn't want to leave us.. He was almost in tears. Maybe one hell of a red herring- I'm not holding any breath.. But if he's seeing even an ounce of clearity in the fog- I don't want to blow it immediately. Something I didn't say in the last thread- he's never ever even admitted he had secret email accounts etc.. He has never admitted ANYTHING.. I found out about the affairs in the other states by the ow woman calling me..
Anyway - please read the other thread to give you the other angle.. And thank you.. You let me know that I'm not totally crazy.. This ws is really falling off the deep end with these A's.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ana