I just found out that my wife has been seeing someone and we have roughly negotiated plan A. This is due in large part to the fact that the lover is going out of state for a few months. My question is why do I feel so inspired to spoil my wife now. Letters, flowers, attention, backrubs, etc... Is this normal? Temporary? She is remorseful for not telling me the truth about the affair but is not sorry for falling in love with the OM. Should I back off or keep spoiling her? I think about ways to please her all day long. Help!

Bleu -

What do you mean that you've "negotiated" Plan A?

Have you negotiated no contact with the affair partner? Did your wife write a no-contact letter? Have you put in place extraordinary precautions to make sure that there really ISN'T contact?

As for whether you should spoil her or not, I would suggest that you look carefully at this part of your own behavior. Right now, you're probably doing it because of your own fears and desires (afraid that you'll lose her, wanting her to be happy with you).

But which ones of those behaviors really make her happy? And of those, which ones are you willing to do FOREVER? Focus on those. And keep it low key for the moment. You're beginning a very tough journey, and raining gifts on your wife is probably not the right place to start.

In fact, the right place to start is with YOU. You have to be strong enough to make it through all this. So:

Part I:
- Are you eating?
- Are you sleeping?
- Are you exercising?
- Have you been to a doctor? (Yes, I'm not kidding. Go to your doctor. Get a full medical checkup, including for STDs. Tell your doctor why, and get a prescription for sleeping pills and/or antidepressants.)

Part II:
- Are you able to keep your emotions under control?
- Can you become aware of and end ALL the love busters that you commit?

Part III:
- Get some help! Find a counselor who can work you through these things. This is absolutely not a time for amateur advice.

Part IV:
- Meet your wife's needs.

So, all in all, you've got the right idea, but it's important to make sure that you're working on all these things at once.

Oh, and if it's at all possible, take three weeks and get in the car and just go somehwere, anywhere, with your wife. She's about to go through one of the worst periods of her entire life while she ends a relationship with someone she loves. She's going to hate you and blame you for it. The best thing you can possibly do is to do your darndest to make sure it only happens once, which means doing everything you can to make sure that no-contact is maintained.

And while you're gone, NO LOVE BUSTERS!