I know this may sound a little sick, but at the time I caught my wife at her lovers house, I became sexually aroused. Just the thought of her having sex with him made me aroused, as well as feeling sick. I cannot get the thought of the two of them together sexually out of my mind. We have made love since discovery, and it is very heated sex. Is this normal? <p>[This message has been edited by Joes Pain (edited November 11, 1999).]

Hate to see an unanswered post.....Not that I have the answer, but....<P>I think it is a "dog in heat" kinda thing... The "animal instinct thing" was provoked, while at the same time your spirituality, the part of you that separates you from all other animals, stepped in to make you "feel sick". Probably a normal reaction somewhat. When I saw the naked pictures of my H with his OW, I was not actually aroused, but did have a sudden need to "compete" using my own sexuality and personal charms. My underware and nighty wardrobe multiplied overnite!

I don't really know how to answer your question...but, I can tell you that you're not alone in feeling this way.<P>My OM's wife had an affair and he said the same thing.<P>

Joes Pain, I applaud you on your honesty and openness with being able to admit that you were aroused by what you saw. I don't know if I will able to say anything that might make you feel a bit better, but I would like to give it a shot. Let me first say that I was the betrayer and my H did not ever see OM and I in the act so I can't say I know what you are feeling. However, if the situation was reversed and I walked in on my H with another woman I would probably be turned on by it as well. Yes, I would probably feel all those other feelings of hurt and betrayal, but I would probably become a tad excited by it as well. It's not sick and it's not weird. It's human nature. Most people (whether they admit it or not) have fantasized about sharing our partners, either with someone of the opposite sex or someone of the same sex. And if that thought has ever crossed your mind, then of course you would be turned on when you saw that fantasy being played out in front of you. It's only natural. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are not sick and your feelings are normal. Unfortunately I have no real advice I just wanted you to know that what you felt is natural and you shouldn't feel bad about it. As for the sex with your W, its great that you two still have heat. Best of luck.

Joes Pain,<BR>I felt it too during my W's early affairs (1-5 of 8 in 6 years.) I don't think it is so much her having sex (not making love, there is a difference) with OM but the lack of her seeking you to meet her needs. However, the thought does turn you on because it is the lie that Satan tells us it is a good thing. IT'S NOT. I feel the remainder is the thought of your W with OM causes you to think about making love to your W which immediately sets you off. This is how I felt.<P>During the emotional part of my W's first affair, we would make passionate love after she got off the phone with the OM. It was really wierd. We have to fight these weird, sick thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

My thoughts on this one...<P>Sierra and prfessorg are most likely right for the rationale behind you feelings...<P>Give it a few weeks... or a few months... your W's infidelity will wear on you... those feelings of arousal will wane... some disgust will build... an occasional feeling of hatred may eventually enter as well. All in all, it is not a pretty picture... <P>I don't want you to feel bad... but perspective will come your way. When it does... vent... cry... reach out here...<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<BR>

I think Pilot's wife hit the nail on the head....physically arousing yet spiritually/emotionally disturbing. <P>However one views it, I think exploration openness is VERY different than an affair found out. It's the honesty and agreement factors, obviously missing in the case of an affair.<P>I'd go a bit farther to say...I think your reaction (arousal) is normal--Sierra's comments re fantasy--and actually quite healthy for your ability to forgive her! As long as you're successful, both of you, in dealing with the spiritual/emotional aspects. You're already one step closer in understanding the situation. <P>professorg's comments are also quite germaine. My personal bend is not as religiously oriented as his, but I highly respect it. There is a difference in having sex and making love.

In regards to your heated sex with your w, after discovery that happened to me also. My w started sleeping nude and arousing me in the middle of the night!<P>Some one pointed out to me that it might be due to all her needs being met by both you and om and that make her feel loved which in turn help with the passion.<P>I don't know how long this will last for you. Sooner or later either you or om will want her for your self and then the lovebusting will start and her passion will wane for one of you.

I love this forum! This is why I come here. I think sometimes I am so crazy, then I read things in here and know that I am very normal! Thank you all. I know this was Joe's post, but I really am feeling better.<BR>YOu guys are great for being honest about stuff. Never think your quirks will help others huh? I am not a freak of nature!<BR>It is true insanity sometimes to feel conflicting emotions, glad to know I am not alone!<BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

JP - This happened to me too. One Sat afternoon a few months ago, I saw my W with the OM in his car. When I got home, she was already there, still wearing the sexy outfit she'd worn for him and man, we went at it! Yeah, after this discovery, I was turned on by the thought of her with OM for a while. I think for guys, at least, it happens because you realize that your W is attractive enough to another man for him to take a big chance and have an affair with her. And realizing that seems to make her more attractive to you too. But agree with NSR that this probably won't last. All the other emotional side of it eventually came crashing down on me, and this is not a turn-on at all, believe me. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

JP;NSR;Wex:<P>The same thing happened with me and my first W. But then it got too much to bear and things went to h#ll after that. That's why she's my XW now.<P>One difference is that my XW just could keep from OM (plural) and finally it was just too much to take. If she had stopped, it's possible I would have forgiven her and continued, but I don't think so. <P>Unless your W makes an extraordinary effort to make things right between you, in time the thoughts will be just too much to bear and nothing will make things right.<P>Good Luck<P>PW

Joes Pain,<P> As with the other guys who have answered here I too felt the same, and went into deep therapy to find out why....and my discovery may help you to understand how this can be...but of course may not be a cure for you as we are all different and have different childhood experiences...<P>The cause for this in my case went back to childhood separation from Mom in violent circumstances, meaning that when I was being beaten by my stepfather, she could do no more than look on and my heart broke..and was from that time very fearful of getting close to women in case they left/abandoned/let me be physically hurt etc (in a childs mind) so distance from women became important to my buried psyche but onlky when I got close to them, intimate, loved them, this becomes a push pull situation...with the desire for love and protection from (Mom) (W) draws me almost unconciously close and my fear drives me away from her..(I had affairs to keep distance between my W and myself)<P>This fear of intimacy also became the reason for being turned on by my W having an affair too...I can relate to the sexual urge in safety so to speak if it is at a distance (W and OM in bed together)..this can also be a reason for some guys preferring masturbation to sex....and some preferring fantasy to the real thing, or can only have sex with their W when fantasising about someone else or some other situation so long as they are not in the now ,moment with the W ...does this make sense..??...and of course a reason for some going impotent when with their wives and yet having no problem with a prostitute... or OW...<P>Hope it can help..or have I confused the issue for you..???<P>cossie<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>