Ok, it's the old emails. I had him read them again and it helped him understand my point of view better. The pain it caused.
But when I read them it was like a knife to heart. Did anyone else deal with that vowed love forever, also saying when free to be together forever?
The plans to divorce and just fly off forever in each others arms?
I know many have suffered worse here, with spouses that actually moved out and in with OP.
This is just so painful to see the love promises, the marriage plans.
He's with me, it's been 2 yrs, but I never saw or heard him tell her it was all a big mistake and wasn't real for him.
That would have helped so much. But now it's too late to do anything of that sort.
I hate having some OW out there thinking he carries her with him still.
Thanks, just awful pain. LouLou

Live in the present. He is with you in the present.

Hopefully you will come to the point where you don't care what the OW out there thinks. But, more than that, when you consider that you are hating something that you can't control, where does that leave you? All of what happened between him and OW is in the past.

Focus on the present, over which you have some control. It is an act of will to let go of things in the past. It can be done.

I struggle with this too, however in those wonderful moments of clarity I realize that 'she' must know that they are not true, bc as Term, says, he is with me now, so 'she' must know that they are not true. And I also know the whole truth about the why's etc, and she doesn't. In the aftermath while we were discovering all this, FWS decided that he wasn't going to open himself (and be a window) to her just for the benefit of making her see what was happening for him. It was more important that I know bc he wanted the relationship with me to be an honest open one, not a true relationship with her. Does that make sense?

Erase the emails.

AG

Yes. Erase the emails. They are of no help. People keep these things for a myriad of reasons but they do not represent truth, regardless of their contents. They represent feelings at a certain point in time, most notably in the past. Actions in the present are what count.

X-MM kept emails, which led to the discovery of the affair years after I ended it. I was relieved that he didn't save the instant messenger conversations.

I think people in affairs are so messed up that there is no reliable basis in anything they say or do until years after the affair is over, and then only with therapy, in which they get down to the truth of who they are. Not two parts that functioned as a whole (one woman at home, one at work). But the one person that feels and believes and acts on that. And can decode their past actions in terms of that. After the affair is discovered and the marriage is being rebuilt, that is the person you need to think about and deal with. None other. Especially not the OW.

Ter, Ag, thanks for you replies. You are both right, of course. Weird how every now and then we need someone to hit us with 2x4! LOL
I will say this. I had not read all the mails when I found them the last night he was with her. I read enough to find out where they were, called and hours later he was on a plane home. End of it except for couple phone calls berating me to him over letting her H know. Too bad. He had a right to know what he would accept, live with or forgive.
Something good came out of me reading them all even though there was pain at times.
I did find he did nor respond to sexual innuendos. I also read where he told her he was bound by a loving family. She admitted same also though.
So I suppose my problem is in seeing it was all fantasy land they were living in at the time. TAlk that really wasn't true, or reality. Just blowing smoke?
Thanks again to you both. Terminator, you never said what WH promised you or if he did? I think in many I've read of A's, many talk divorces, marriages, and such.
I've seen OW state they do not want to marry WH, and vice versa. Then many who truly thought it would happen.
Anyhow, things here are progressing much better. And I guess if he wanted to be elsewhere,he knows by now I would sign papers. I've offered enough times. Mostly to see where his heart really was. And I would sign because I want noone who doesn't love me.
Now it's just rebuilding what we once had and maybe even better. We've time to be together as he retired last year.
LouLou

the OW can't really "Carry him" with her and revel in the idea of true love. He sent those emails, and then he stayed with you. She probably feels used, duped, betrayed and taken for a fool- which is how she should feel!

actions speak louder than words, he is with you, and not with her. so those emails don't mean much- not worth the paper they are written on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

i know your hurt and pain cause i have gone through those kinds of feelings. if your h is sincere and working on recovery and if he wants to be with you focus on that because that is what is most important!

IMHO, don't delete them if they can be used as 'evidence' in a legal issue. If they are painful, put them in a safe place (ie: separate folder, safety deposit box, etc.).

It can come in handy if the OW decides to show back up in your life and try to pull the same stunt on the court that she tried to the BS.

L.

Espoir, Orchid, thanks.
He had written all those to her then went to see her for 3 days. Then later, the emails escalated or I should say the A to the talk of freedoms and marriage etc. He had one more week with her, where I found them, called and that was end of seeing each other. As for emails? I cancelled his site.
So I think only couple phone calls maybe afterwards of both trying to figure out how to get out of their mess with spouses. LOL
Orchid, you are exactly right. No way would I delete them. He demanded I get rid of them, but I have to admit I've told a white lie though I hate lying. Well, I did say they are not in my email or on our computer file,which is true. I have another email addy set up where I have stored all in folders. Plus I have a dear friend who has saved them all to disk for me as well in case needed.
It's been 2 yrs, but I don't know about ever feeling safe again. So I would use those letters in court to show attempt or plan to defraud. At least on her side. I never saw him reply to those suggestions other than to say, "someday we'll be free, hold hands in church and be together forever"!
So I'm not about to get rid of this little insurance policy. Because I can certainly bring much down on her head as well with showing her unsuspecting H the hidden accts opened in Cayman islands. And another state. I never let him know about the off shore acct. As I just learned it rereading the mails recently. But I did tell him of the out of state one.
He seemed to feel whatever she wants, she can have. Weird! But I do know they've lost a small fortune due to some illigimate dealings and he spent time in prison. He's an Atty.
So if he trust her so much after all this, perhaps I should just allow him to stay in the dark?
He might not be as friendly as he was in beginning. At first he was quite nice. Thanked me. Then later in phone call, said my H was preying on women and all his fault. HOnestly, how can you think your wife who is 59 yrs old is so innocent as to be led astray? He never saw the many letters I had, but just a few. Otherwise he might have seen she was more the preyer and my H the prey? Both guilty though.
to each his own!
Anyhow,thanks so much for your input and advice. Yes, I do think it's time to let them lay dormant now and not bring them back up. Just keeping for safety and when I have privacy, will print out and stow away. There are like 51! So I need a bit of time while alone which is seldom.
LouLou