I am having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. WH after 3 wks of what I thought was recovery asked the OW to move in with him. Has been a week today since all this exploded. I am still not doing well. Last night was the first night since last Saturday I was able to sleep at home. I have much anxiety and confusion. I went to the Doctor Mon. and they put me on Effexor XR and Lorazapam for sleep. It is helping some. I am unemployed currently. No jobs in sight. If you were to read back you would see how well things seemed to be going. All of my family wants me to move on and tell him to F*** off. Never to let him back into my life again. Deep down I feel that plan B will work and he will realize how special what we had and can have is. But I am so scared that WH and OW are true soul mates and will end up getting married. That will kill me. I know there is no scientific formula to the length of time plan B takes. H called the house Wed. said that he thought I had called him I said no good bye. end of conversation. I know he asked to talk to a family friend who is a preacher and she kind of told him off about his lies.. that she cared but did not care to talk to him if he was going to continue to lie to her too. I know I need to just try and move on. I am not contacting him or trying to see him and asked him that day not to contact me till they were over. But I have not composed the PBL. I need help with that I think. But I am in so much pain currently I am having a hard time functioning. All the laundry he left here is still sitting around.. I just can't bring myself to deal with it. Does anyone see any chance for a happy future in this marriage? I am upset if he has called I am upset if he has not. It is a lose lose situation.

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: lookingfortruth ]</small>

Sami,

Plan B can be a lonely time, but it can also be a healing and peaceful time. When the conflict and pain of an affair is not in your face....you have some time to breathe and contemplate your life and concentrate on your own needs instead of the selfish needs of the WS. Please take this time to be good to yourself. Remember, the most powerful thing you can do right now....is to recover your dignity and demonstrate your willingness to go on with your life if the affair does not end. The greatest revenge is not to get even....but live happily inspite of the evil that has been done to you.

The PBL is an important formal step. Writing it and sending it will give a new sense of purpose. With that in mind, I'm going to give you the PBL guidelines:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things that need to be in a PBL

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To remind you why this is important, I'd like to share part of a post that cerri gave to someone else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Unless you've written a letter, or stated explicitly the things below you aren't really in Plan B. Plan B requires that certain things be said up front. Otherwise it's more like withdrawal. I'm sure you said some or all of these things during the course of the sep, but a letter is optimal because it sets it all out in a way that is clear and concise and can't be denied or argued later. It can be looked at and reread as time goes on.

You need to decide if you are in save the marriage mode, or take care of you mode..... they're not mutually exclusive but you will behave differently depending on which way you're thinking.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't want to be in withdrawal....you want to be in Plan B. The plan has power, withdrawal is draining and emotional. You want to concentrate on saving the marriage, but in withdrawal you will only feel hopelessness.

There is a thread by ISGIRL for folks in Plan B that offers support and advice. Please post over there and get some help from some of the veterans like Mortarman who can help ease this difficult early period.

Hugs to you. Hope it help to know that we are thinking of you. The weekends are a lonely time, even on the board. Right now, I've been helping several ladies make it through Plan B....in every stage. This is the hardest part while your feelings are the rawest....but as time passes....if you put your energy into your own happiness, it becomes far easier than dealing with the affair everyday.

Thinking of you.

<small>[ October 04, 2003, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Start crafting the PB letter ..... but wait until your Anti-D takes effect to finalize the letter.

Your brain is upset chemically .... and until the medication restores some chemical balance .... you're going to feel insane.

Sit with this thought and repeat as needed:

~~ "In two weeks I will be feeling stronger and my thinking will be sharper. I will be OK until then. I will cut myself some slack."~~

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Here is the draft of my pbl

*****,

First you need to know I love you very much. When I married you I made that commitment for life. I want to stay married to you. I am willing to continue to be a better person and to be a better wife.

Your affair is very painful for me and in order to protect my feelings for you as well as for my health I must not have any contact with you.

Once you choose to end your affair I would like to discuss our future.

Until this time please respect my wishes.

In case of an emergency please contact ***** or ****.

Arrangement for finances will be handled through *****. I have not yet found employment although I am looking. I have supported you emotionally and finacially through many rough times. Please respect this when you make your financial decisions reguarding me.

Loving you Always,

Mrs. lft

******************************************************
H is not as of yet providing any support to me finacially. Should I leave the bottom part out?

Should I send this Via Email, Mail, or my emergency contact? If I mail it he may never get it due to OW living with him and maybe picking up the mail.

I am feeling better today... Mornings are the hardest for me. Anyone have any ideas on an activity to look forward to doing in the AM to possibly make them better?

Thank you for the support you are all wonderful people.

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: lookingfortruth ]</small>

Samietue -- Just did a PBL myself. You'll get a lot more help on this if you change the title of your post to include something about a PBL draft.

Lots of people have experience with this.

*****bump*****

I am going to leave the $$$ part out as H just found some $$$ to give me through family member.

just need a critique on the rest.

Have not sent Plan B letter yet still needing
advice on any changes and how to send it.

Thanks,
LFT

LFT, I guess my feeling is that the PBL should be a love letter, too -- perhaps the last. At least that's how I approached mine. This one is pretty bare.

I know others think the WS needs a kick up the bum -- and h/she does -- but I think he/she also needs to recall the love that is being abandoned. If you can do both, that's the perfect balance.

Others, chime in.

At least this is the way I tried to think of mine: try to make it the best letter of your life.

If your M ends in D, you want to be able to reread this letter years from now, and think, "By gum, I really did love this man, and I did the very best I could with a terrible situation." You don't want, in the silence of the coming weeks and months, to be second-guessing yourself, and wishing you'd been able to make this letter a little more radioactive.

Looking back ten days ago to mine, I know it was the best I could do, the most I could give. That's a comfort to me now, in the no contact zone. I wish it could have been the best letter of my life -- but knowing how I had to go back to the darkness and dredge up what was left of my love to write it, I don't think I could have done much more, under the circumstances.

This is for you. For him, you have to draw boundaries around yourself, to keep him from hurting you anymore. But you've done that already in a way that is clear and direct.

Please, others may have a different point of view. Contradict me if you like.