I posted this question - "Does a Deadline Ever Work?" and Pepperband suggested I post to you.

I am in Plan B and have been for many months. I don't know that is having any impact at all on my WS.

Knowing they are fence-sitting cake-eaters, has anyone ever tried and succeeded with giving the WS a deadline to make a decision - OP or BS?

I really can't see me sitting here waiting for much longer. Makes me believe that WS thinks I will wait here forever until the A burns out or some decision is arrived at. Not fair to me.

Wonder if such a shock - hitting the WS between the eyes - ever works.

I just feel like I can't continue being the long-suffering spouse while the WS plays as long as they want to. I want so badly to say, "OK you have until January 1. At that time I will make the decision you are unable to make."

Pepperband said you might provide some insight into my question.

Thanks.

*S*

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]</small>

Bump up for Monday morning .....

I gave it a year, affair was over way before.

newjersey,

Not sure if you and I are talking about the same thing.

I believe my WS is enjoying the freedom of Plan B. What I am thinking is - does it ever work to just say, OK, as of the first of the year, my life WILL change. Either I will be back in my M with you or I will be moving on without you. You have until then to decide in which situation you would rather be.

The first of the year would be close to a year for us. D-Day was WAY before that, but WS is unable/unwilling to stop the A. Some days it feels like I need to take some sort of action. I don't want to initial a Dv, but I DO want WS to decide exactly - marriage to me or OP. It feels like, without intervention, WS will stay in status quo for...well, forever!

*S*

The problem with giving a deadline is you have to be willing to stick to it in order for it to work.

What if 1 January comes up & you want to wait some more? You are basically telling her that your deadline is meaningless.

Make up a dealine for yourself as a goal but don't advertise it. This way you can adjust it as needed.

When you're ready to divorce, you will whether she makes a move or not.

Also, if you give a deadline, you are telling her it is okay to continue her affair until then, so why should she make ANY decision until then?

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris,

I understand the logic behind what you are saying.

It just gets so DOGGONE frustrating, knowing the A is going at full-speed, they are cozy, comfy, lovey-dovey and I am being the long-suffering spouse, denied any of those comforts. Waiting around like a discard, until WS decides, "Oh, yeah, maybe I want my spouse after all." I HATE the sitting it out part. I HATE knowing WS is happy with OP. I HATE not knowing what my future holds. I guess that is why I wanted to know about deadlines. Telling WS it's OK for the A to continue until 1/Jan...yeah, I see what you mean.

It's just that I like to be able to control my destiny and I guess in a M, particularly when there is an A going on, that is impossible.

*S*

I doubt very much they are cozy, comfy and lovey dovey. Personally I think that giving a deadline allows the WS to ease into the mindset of things ending...and might possibly undermine your hard work. I would just set a personal deadline for yourself...then drop the bomb that you are finished and filing, when you are truly ready to do so. For us it actually took the stress of the DV and the emotions that go along with it to really get my mind to working. Seperation with no consequences...ie divorce...can give the WS a false sense of security (or a solid seat on the fence).

Hi *Sparkle*

I was showed this thread from a friend.
WOW you couldn't describe better how I feel also.

About setting up a deadline, I did. and that was one year after dday. Well that date is not very far away, and I can tell you I pray every day for God to grant me the serenity on accept that. My mind and my heart are not in sync yet regarding that, but I'm praying for one day to both fully agree on the D. If that time comes and still I'm not in sync, I know God will give me that one day... maybe sooner... maybe later...

I don't know what has to happen to me for that. I mean I think that all the bad has already happened, and I'm in the "bitter-sweet" coaster of plan B now. Having a hard time many times with loneliness and thinking on what I would need to be happy. Of course I know is not my H as he is now but as he used to be, but until when I'm going to hope on that thinking? God only knows...

Take good care and chin up!

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Sparkle, It is a difficult situation. Please know you are in my thoughts.

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I think your idea of a deadline is a good one. But it's not for the WS it's for you.

At some point all the BS (myself included) must decide what's best for us. We have control of our future we just have to decide what we want.

So set a date and begin doing what you need to move on but by know way tell the WS or anyone else this is about you (us).

The problem with telling your WS about your date is

1) affiar continues until then without any changes or thoughts. As the WS I now have a timeline to work within. 2) I also have a back up should the affiar fall apart 3) even if I want my affair to continue all I have to really do is through you a bone around your Jan 1 date and I'm still incontrol of the game.

It's hard i know I'm going through the same thing but the only way my marriage to have any chance will be when my WW makes her decission to work on our marriage not because some date on the calendar says it's time. JMHO