What happens if in plan a you dont reveal to all what your husband has done or is doing? Is 1.5 years of being in plan A too long? I haven't told anyone about the affair just a few friends. I can't bare to tell my children. It will kill my daughter. It is killing me everyday. Like I said I called his office yesterday and she answered the phone. There is no reason anyone other than him should answer that phone. I don't believe a word he says anymore. But when he tells me he loves me he just reals me back in. His OW is unstoppable and so is he. I am not doing such a good plan A. I do however let him treat me like a doormat. I can do that good. I do act like nothing is wrong. I act like I believe him this time. We hardly ever argue. He does try to be nice to me but I think that is just a cover up. What am I doing????? Help

Just a book suggestion:

Love Must Be Tough

It was written for women exactly like you.

Read it without sharing it with your H.

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

edit to say .... I forgot to tell you James Dobson is the author.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Q: What happens if in plan a you dont reveal to all what your husband has done or is doing? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A: He continues his A without obstruction. Has his cake and eats it too. YOU are enabling the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Q: Is 1.5 years of being in plan A too long? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A: Yes, 1,5 years in plan A is too long. Plan A is to make WS end his/her A by chosing YOU over OP. If it didn't happen, it's time for plan B. Please read more about plan A. You're not supposed to be a doormat, just loving spouse and a parent. No LB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I haven't told anyone about the affair just a few friends. I can't bare to tell my children. It will kill my daughter. It is killing me everyday. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A: The affair starts its inevitable fall once it's exposed to the light of day. By not telling everybody you enable the madness to continue. Chances are, your D knows that something is wrong already. You're not protecting her by hiding what your WS is doing. Not acting NOW will kill all love for your WS and you most likely will end up divorcing. Think of what your D will feel then. You will not be able to go on like that forever. Trust me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't believe a word he says anymore. But when he tells me he loves me he just reals me back in. His OW is unstoppable and so is he. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo. He is a lier and a cheater. You must not believe a word he's saying. You must set your boundaries with a SOLID PLAN B. They ARE unstopable, that's why you should be taking yourself out of the triangle to maintain your sanity. Do it NOW. It may be late already.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do act like nothing is wrong. I act like I believe him this time. We hardly ever argue. He does try to be nice to me but I think that is just a cover up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Act like you're going to move on. Correction: DO MOVE ON. TELL HIM you don't believe him. Don't let him near you by implementing plan B. Don't slide back once you've implemented it. Write plan B letter TODAY. Post it here for others to review then hand it to him ASAP. You've suffered way too long. He will not believe you're serious if you violate plan B, so DON'T! Read more about plan B to prepare yourself. Do everything you need to do to avoid communnications while in plan B. Separation papers are due. Tell him to move out. Protect yourself and your D financially.

RECAP:

1. Tell everybody about the affair.
2. Prepare yourself for plan B (eliminate now what may be an area of mutual interest in the future such as joint bank accounts, insurance, etc...)
3. Start the separation agreement process (papers signed).
3. Write plan B letter and make necessary adjustments after the board reviews it.
4. Tell WS to move out and hand the plan B letter.
5. If he says his affair is over, don't believe him until YOU KNOW it's over.

Do it swiftly, so he doesn't have the time to play games. Don't stop and don't backslide.

If this sounds too harsh and you think you won't be able to do it, know that there is NO OTHER WAY. You may as well continue in plan A until you're fed up then divorce.

Sorry for my uncompassionate tone, but think of me as an answer giving computer. It only tells you what to do to succeed.

wow! THAT IN DEPTH RESPONSE....I NEEDED IT!
however, I know I am not capable of giving him a plan b letter.. I don't have it in me yet. I think because he is manipulating me really well. We have sex, he talks nice to me, like I said we harldy ever argue. But when we do it isn't good. I know for a fact they talk alot. and spend alot of time together at work. Because friends tell me. He doesn't know I know. I am afraid that my love for my kids and their stability is going to keep me with him. Right now I am so mad at myself for not hating him. Why don't I. Why is it easier for other people to do the plan b thing. How long until I am capable of doing that? Does anyone know the text book answer?

i.h.h.i,

I've got no time for a detailed reply now. I will post to you shortly. Hopefully others will chip in with their great advice.

BigStar.

Here goes:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> however, I know I am not capable of giving him a plan b letter.. I don't have it in me yet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you're not ready for plan B, then I assume you are OK with sharing your spouse with someone else. If my assumption is correct, then there is no advice we can give you. You must be happy where you are. If am wrong, read my first post again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think because he is manipulating me really well. We have sex, he talks nice to me, like I said we harldy ever argue. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So why do you need change? Please answer yourself honestly before answering to the board. If it's only because $eX is "not good"? I have bad news, it won't get any better if this continues.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am afraid that my love for my kids and their stability is going to keep me with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your family is in BIG trouble and is heading for more if this keeps up. You still have some love left for your WS, but once it's gone, there is NOTHING that will keep your family together. The love for your kids will not be enough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Right now I am so mad at myself for not hating him. Why don't I. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should you? If you want change, do it without hate.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why is it easier for other people to do the plan b thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's NOT easy for anyone to "do the plan b thing". It takes courage and thorough understanding that THIS IS THE ONLY WAY. You risk a lot when you move to plan B, but you risk EVERYTHING when you don't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long until I am capable of doing that? Does anyone know the text book answer?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One's heart and mind is never ready for plan B, because it goes against every instinct we have. It has to be done because it works. It's like cancer surgery, if you do it it will hurt and it may or may not cure you, but if you don't you're sure to die.
Plan B must be implemented when the time is right for it (after a good plan A), not when you're ready. Look at it this way, your WS is not ready for it either so it will act like shock therapy. You are the doctor, not a sadist inflicting pain for fun.

Read the book Pepper recommended. If you want a second opinion, wait for more advice from others.

BigStar

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: BigStar ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by i.have.had.it:
<strong>wow! THAT IN DEPTH RESPONSE....I NEEDED IT!
however, I know I am not capable of giving him a plan b letter.. I don't have it in me yet. I think because he is manipulating me really well. We have sex, he talks nice to me, like I said we harldy ever argue. But when we do it isn't good. I know for a fact they talk alot. and spend alot of time together at work. Because friends tell me. He doesn't know I know. I am afraid that my love for my kids and their stability is going to keep me with him. Right now I am so mad at myself for not hating him. Why don't I. Why is it easier for other people to do the plan b thing. How long until I am capable of doing that? Does anyone know the text book answer?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you capable of doing? Seriously .... what are you willing to do?

Dr. Dobson's thrust in his book is that unless the WS begins to RESPECT their BS ... they will continue doing as they please ....

You are not respected by your H .... is that OK with you?

This is not about hating him or hating OW .... your comment is a very childish notion about boundaries .... THIS it is about respect.

What is there about you that others need to respect?

Pep