It has been months since I posted on the MB sight.... I stoped after the tarible fight between the ow and myself on this board....

Anyway, after almost 2 years of dealing with my h's affair that keeps on popping up, I decided to end it and get a divorce. We just agreed on the terms a couple of nights ago, but I haven't filed anything yet....

My h moved out in with the ow yet again, after another reconsiliation in April with me (I asked him to leave a month ago, reluctantly), the ow now is 6 months pregnant with his possible child... And I'm confident I'm making the right decision with devoice... But at the same time I'm not content with it... I still love him so much! I'm not sure how he feels about me really, he says he feels the same as I do about him, but I seriously dought it because his actions say anything but.... He tells me he loves me, but I'm not sure he knows his own head and heart...

I know the marriage has to end because, He cant' commit to it, he cant seem to let go of the ow, he lies to me constantly, and I feel he doesn’t' value or respect me..... He was not always like this so I feel that I kept on believing he will turn back into the man he was, but as of now it has not happened, so I’m done...

The problem is that we keep on sleeping with each other, it's like we really can't let go...

I know this is very unhealthy, and I'm wondering if any of you have had this problem...

We were very young and have a unique bond that most people don’t understand... That might be the reason it's so hard to let go even though I know I have too, I just don’t' know, I’m so confused...

I'll be divorcing him , but not emotionally...

I tried , I really did, I put my heart and soul into rebuilding our marriage, but the affair and lies never ended... I was even willing to except the OC into our lives and home... That was not the deciding factor.. He just kept on lying and continuing the affair...

I need the divorce for my own peace of mind... But I do love him so very much...

I just can't stand this anymore...

And I know I'm not sending a very good message to him by continuing to be intimate with him.. It's the doormat message.. But the desire to be close to him is so strong, yet at the same time, I'm happy that I'm saying no I’m not going to be walked on , by making the decision about the divorce... I know I'm a walking contradiction...

I'm just curious if any of you have been in this situation...

I do have hope of possible reconsilation after the devorice if my h , morphis back into the man he once was... But that I feel is almost a dream of mine not what will really come to be...

With this situation I'm not uncomfortable during our time together, just after when the reality of our situation hits me... I know he still needs the comfort and security that I bring him and sex has always been a very intemet thing for us, no matter how mad we were at eachother, we felt our true feelings during this time (if that makes any sence).....

This situation for me is sooooo hard...

I want the divorce, I cant' have him live with me, I cant' be parinoid or nervouse that he's lieing to me anymore, and I can't get let down anymore, and I'm tired of feeling secure and it riped out from underneth me.... But for some reason I'm still able and want him to need me, I can't stop what happens between us (he's the inishiater) and I don't want too... Even though I know it's destructive...

Does this make any sence to anyone?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want the divorce, I cant' have him live with me, I cant' be parinoid or nervouse that he's lieing to me anymore, and I can't get let down anymore, and I'm tired of feeling secure and it riped out from underneth me.... But for some reason I'm still able and want him to need me, I can't stop what happens between us (he's the inishiater) and I don't want too... Even though I know it's destructive...

Does this make any sence to anyone? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">killjoy - No, it doesn't make any sense. Yes, I understand your confused and torn mental state, but you have to stop lying. You have to stop lying to yourself.

You still have feelings of love for him. You've been playing at "recovery" for 2 years. He has moved in with the OW who might be carrying his child. You have 5 young children, so perhaps you are trying to protect them also. killjoy, they will see this mess and believe that it is the "normal way to have a marriage". Is that really a lesson that you want to teach them?

Regardless, you have initiated divorce proceedings. If you don't want to go that route yet, then the only option you have is a "quasi-divorce....PLAN B." But so long as you allow him to stop by your place for sex, there is absolutely no reason for him to change anything. Ever think that maybe the OW is getting "large" with her pregnancy and he might not find that very attractive? But there you lay, all slim and accommodating? This is still all about your husband and what he wants.

It is time for you stop being a baby and understand that some things MUST be done even if they are painful. Surgery to correct a problem or rid a disease. Injections to immunize a child because YOU want to protect them and know it's for the ultimate best. Total separation or divorce if the WS is still locked in the fog and doing destructive things.

killjoy, I don't know your religious beliefs, but it is clear that you have an unrepentant husband on your hands. Unless YOU are comfortable with a "love triangle" and with sharing your husband with another woman, you have no true options other than Total and Complete Separation (no contact with you) or Divorce. To have him stay with you, if the OW's child is his child, then you will have the OW in your life for at least 18-20 years because he is going to have to be responsible for, at a minimum, financial support of the child. Can you live with that?

Personally, if you don't have Christ in your life you might find that it is extremely difficult. It would be difficult with Christ, because you will have a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly reminder of his infidelity. It will be very hard to implement a key part of forgiveness, not dwelling on the affair, when the "proof" of it is thrown in your face with every check that is written to the "wonderful OW."

Emotionally it will be tough on you, for a time, to separated and/or divorced. But let's talk honesty here, and not just our screaming emotions.

Your husband is NOT at all into recovery. He is still into having what HE wants, when he wants it. With you, that is SEX, when he wants it and you simply cave in to his advances because you see it as the "last thing you can to 'connect' with him."

killjoy, you aren't connecting at all. You are reinforcing in his mind that he CAN have it both ways. It's time for you to keep your spine straight and upright. It's time to understand that no man can "serve to masters. He will hate the one and love the other". Marriage is an exclusive arrangement and covenant. He has broken that, and still is breaking it. He cannot have it both ways, UNLESS you are so weak and have no self-respect left that you are willing to become his "mistress" who he sees for sex while living with his "wife".

I hope you are in counseling, because you need the advice and support of a professional. You cannot do this on your own or rely solely on MB for support. You need the "hands on" help of a professional counselor and an attorney. Perhaps when your husband comes to the realization of the financial loss and burden that is facing him, the fog might begin to lift. But until then, you need to stop being the "hinged heel wife" and remind yourself that there is MUCH MORE to a marriage than just sex. What you've been doing is not "making love", you've been satisfying his animalistic drive for sex. Do you want to continue being "one of the herd in heat" or do you want to be a wife in the truest sense of the word?

It hurts. It's not fair. It shouldn't be happening. But it is happening. It's time for you to realize in your heart and in your mind that you are worth far more. You are not just a "hole for hire", you are a woman and a wife. It is time for you to be treated as one, together or alone, but the status quo will never work.

God bless!

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Wow killjoy! You got it bad huh! You're H is a cakeman sounds to me. The discovery of your H's affair is this biggest self esteem killer and that's what happened to yours! It's dead. I know because mine was seriously mangled almost a year ago. I once felt like my H and I had that special connection also - for us it was called comfortable. We were SO comfortable with each other that it became a bad thing instead of a good thing. I have/am emgaged in self destructive behavior like you are. I am working on believing that I don't need to go that route and I am really trying hard to believe that I deserve better.

My H also has an OC with OW but luckily for us she lives out of state so we don't have to deal with her. But if she were here, I know he and I would not have made it this far. I applaud you for taking the first step in taking your life back regarding divorce. Foreverhers is right though, you must stop sleeping with him as long as he is with OW because you ARE sending him the message that you will accept him no matter he does to you.

You sound so much like me at one time it hurts! I know my H and I must separate but it's very hard for me to let him go completely. Right now I am so deep in my own fog that it's very hard for me think logically. I wish you luck. You are a little bit farther along than I am. Don't worry killjoy, it takes time to heal from the devastation an affair causes but it does happen in time. In the meantime you really need to shift the focus away from him and concentrate on you and the kids. Good luck in your struggle to rediscovering your self worth, keep positive, you'll get there!!!

Huggs!!!
DGirl